


Coping Mechanisms in Hive and Home

by spirogyra



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Drama, F/M, Family, Friendship/Love, Hive Mind, M/M, Multi, The Drift (Pacific Rim)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-02
Updated: 2014-08-04
Packaged: 2017-12-22 05:15:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 60,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/909349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spirogyra/pseuds/spirogyra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The drift fades eventually, unless you're part of a hive mind and can't survive without one another. It'd be so much easier to deal with for the two of them if there weren't a wife and a new baby in the middle of it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is not inspired by any other story; any similarities are completely coincidental (and I know there will be some).
> 
> I played a little loose with the novelization details. I respond to probably 95% of C&C, so if some detail is truly story-breaking, my feelings won't be hurt to have it pointed out.

He itched all over. It was the horrible sensation of insects on his skin even while his face was both hot and numb. He hadn't indulged in anything since the night the throat had been closed, not even alcohol. This whole business had just started last night, the night he'd finally left Shanghai and moved back to Boston.

Picking up at MIT full time was impossible, but they'd expressed interest in him doing guest lectures and possibly a summer session. Not much, but something else to occupy his now-vacant schedule. As much as he'd dreamed about being a rockstar, it had become obvious nearly instantly that nobody really considered him one. The pilots were the stars; he was just a no-name scientist. Returning to the academic community was his only real option to get back to normal life. But with the way he was currently feeling, he couldn't even make it down to the store to buy groceries.

The phone rang, making him jump. The pins and needles feeling in his fingers made him answer it on speaker rather than lift it to his ear. "What?" he snapped, his whole body shuddering with the terrible feeling rippling through it. Newt swore under his breath, stood, and began to strip off his clothing. This was a nice place; there weren't vermin.

_"Newton."_

He stilled. "Hermann. What's shaking?" he answered glibly when he just wanted to scream to make it all stop.

_"There is something... unfortunate happening."_

Even while barely listening, Newt heard the strained undertone. "Yeah," he said, scratching at himself through his boxers, "I'm not doing so hot here. Feels like..." He shuddered, knew it was an audible thing, but didn't care. "Feels like my skin's trying to crawl away." Whatever kind of ridicule the other man might heap on him, Newt didn't care at all if it took his mind off the maddening state of his nerve endings. "Fuck," he said quietly, clutching at his genitals to make them just _stop_.

_"What's wrong?"_

"Nothing you want to know about, man."

_"I think we need to explore what our drift really did. To us."_

Forward and succinct as ever. Newt managed a smile through the trembling he was starting to experience. "Dude, when and where?"

Three days later, when he was on the brink of madness, he was on his way to Heidelberg, to try living with Hermann and his wife.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newton Geiszler, meet Vanessa Gottlieb, who could totally kick his ass if she needed to.

A woman Newt would only describe as beautiful and intimidating, with wavy hair somewhere between black and dark brunette depending on how the sun hit it, and chocolate brown eyes greeted him at the door. He instantly wondered how Hermann had managed this one.

"My charm and personality," the man said, coming up behind him. "Vanessa, this is Dr. Newton Geiszler. Newton, this is my wife, Vanessa."

"Deutsch?" she asked in a soothing, lilting voice that Newt immediately understood could calm her husband's more irritable moods. That and the way way she smiled, even though she was only being polite at the moment, lit up her entire face.

He received a jab in the side for the thought, and gave her a rakish grin. "Nah, went to the US just before I started school. Haven't spoken it with any regularity since I was in second grade. I could probably ask for directions with passing fluency."

With her smile fading into seriousness, and no reaction to the odd behavior between the two men, Vanessa asked one thing before she moved from the doorway: "Dr. Geiszler, I have to know if you're bringing anything dangerous or toxic into the house. That I won't allow."

It was only then, in his confusion, attempting to parse out her question, that Newt actually realized the woman was very pregnant. "No! No, of course not!" He glanced back at Hermann. "What has he been telling you I do?"

The smile returned, wider than before and finally reflected in her eyes, and she stepped back to allow him inside. "All manner of horrible things."

"Oh, well, yeah, I probably did do all that." His bag was light, small, just clothing. He hadn't been able to pack up anything from the lab other than his research files, and he hadn't been "home" long enough to re-gather any other personal belongings. So even with Vanessa being so large, and very clearly claiming the space around her, he slipped past her easily into the foyer of the house.

"Let me show you to the guest room."

Hermann was a silent shadow behind him, as if he was afraid Newt might hurt Vanessa in some way.

Newt furrowed his brow, concentrated while Vanessa had her back to him. _What the hell, man? I wouldn't ever do anything like that!_ He wasn't sure if the words themselves made it through, but the feeling was strong enough to make it.

There was no reply, but the sensation of being watched like an inmate lessened significantly. In fact, Hermann stopped following them altogether. "Shall I put tea on?"

"That would be lovely, dear."

A flush of embarrassment and affection hit Newt, and it took all he had to not turn and grin at the man behind him.

Vanessa paused to face him, touching his arm lightly with her fingertips. "Tea, Dr. Geiszler? We have coffee if you'd prefer."

"First, everyone calls me Newt, except Hermann here and my mother. And second, tea would be lovely, thank you." The warmth from her touch lingered on his arm.

Vanessa pinched her lips in an attempt not to laugh.

It was so weird, to not really know anything about this woman, but also know every nuance of her behavior. "So this must be pretty strange to you, right?" Because he really hoped it was strange to someone other than himself.

She glanced back. "Yes, but it must be strange for you as well."

With a nervous laugh, Newt shifted his bag to his other shoulder. "Yeah, it is." But it was also a relief, somewhere deep down inside to be back in close range of his

_batch pod siblings vat masters_

"Newt, your nose!"

Before he even realized what was happening, Vanessa was dabbing at his nose with a tissue.

"It happens," he said, a sad quiver in his voice as he tried to shake off the lingering memories of the kaiju. "Groupie" he might be, but he was just fine with being human and alive and living on a whole Earth. Memories of an alien dimension and multi-eyed overseers did not rouse any kind of fondness. In fact, it was really starting to drag the groupie in him down to reality.

Newt did his best to shutter his thoughts before he asked quietly, "Did Hermann tell you what we did? What we experienced?"

Vanessa nodded, then led him to the first door on the left side of the hall. "You can stay here."

When she opened the door, Newt was expecting the worst, that he was somehow taking over the room meant for the baby, but it was very normal, very Hermann in its plain functionality. "I was worried I'd be sleeping in a crib," he said brightly as he dropped his bag on the floor at the end of the bed.

"Oh no, not to seem rude, but I wouldn't have agreed to this arrangement if that had been the case."

Of course she wouldn't. She was as no-nonsense as Hermann when it came to certain things, not that it didn't make perfect sense when it came to a baby. Being who he was, very firmly who he was and not anyone or anything else, Newt made light of the comment anyway: "I would have just slept out in the yard. Used to go fishing with my dad, sleeping in a tent, sleeping bag, the whole deal." Another nervous laugh. No idea why, but she made him nervous, very nervous, with an intense fluttering in his stomach.

With another simple touch to his arm, Vanessa brought him back from the vague hysteria that was starting to build. "Use the closet and dresser however you'd like."

Faintly, Newt hears/feels/sees/smells the tea as Hermann began to set up a tray, and looked toward the kitchen.

"Tell me what you wanted to say," Vanessa insisted, drawing his attention back to her.

"Flashes," he said immediately before thinking, looking away from the door. "Memories and glimpses, set off by the littlest things. I don't know how Hermann feels, but it feels so _good_ to be here, to be near him." And he suddenly realized how that sounded. "I mean, not _near_ him because I want to be." Foot in mouth yet again. "No, I mean, shit, the connection..." he trailed off weakly, hoping she didn't demand he leave at that very moment.

Instead, quashing his fears, she said, "Hermann was relieved when you agreed to come. More than I've seen him for anything in a long while. There was nothing I could do to help him. But that's done with now. Let me show you the rest of the house."

Feeling foolish wasn't a new thing for him. He had just learned to not care, but here in Hermann's house, Newt really wanted to keep his behavior as low-key as possible. A silly dividing line in a lab was one thing; becoming a guest in someone's house, someone's life was wholly another. "You know, if I ever get, like, too much, just tell me. I don't wanna be a burden," he said as they left the guest room. He just needed to find the nearest pharmacist and get his prescriptions in order as soon as possible.

"I'm sure it'll be fine. This is our room." Vanessa trailed her fingertips light down the door directly across the hall from his, and continued on to open the next door down from his. "The baby's room."

Decorated in green mostly, with a few blue accents, and a large window to keep it light and airy. "So, a boy?" In truth, the quiet of the house unnerved Newt, and the stillness of the room gave him goosebumps running up his arms. Nothing in his life was quiet or still.

"That's what the doctor said." Vanessa smiled at him, taking a brief moment to straighten a blanket over a rocking chair that looked perfectly placed already. "It's been difficult, you can imagine."

"Yep." Newt couldn't even find time (or a partner) for a one night stand, let alone imagine how they found the time to actually conceive a child. Hopefully the emotional fears were at an end, there'd be no further attacks, and these kind of things they could start taking for granted again. He crossed his fingers briefly. "You know, I think Hermann mentioned you maybe once in all the time I've known him."

"And you, he's only mentioned you by name once. The rest of the time, it's been nothing but vaguely horrible descriptions."

That made Newt puff out his chest in pride and stand tall even while he was an inch shorter than she. "Yeah, I was pretty good at getting under his skin. And then you do it long enough, you don't even have to think about trying any more. I'll, uh, guess I should try and dial that down a little now." The bravery to ask built up enough as they left the room, shutting the greens and blues, the toys and decorations behind a plain white door. "When did you guys have the time to even try? Were they allowing conjugal visits in the shatterdome and nobody told me?"

She laughed, a sound that sent a trickle of pleasure down Newt's spine. "No, it was a brief lull. I visited him after he'd been gone for several months."

"Huh, yeah, I guess I remember that. When I got back from picking up some new specimens, there was a lot of talk about a woman Hermann claimed he was married to." He'd really laid into Hermann over that one, never really considering that it was the truth. But he was grinning over the memory and Vanessa didn't take offense at it.

"Storage closet, blankets, pillows and the like, and the bathroom. Right now, it's all yours. When the baby comes, you'll have to share."

"I'm used to sharing with a hundred people. I think I can handle one baby." It had been years since the luxury of his own bathroom, even if it was only temporary. He'd been working with the PPDC for so long, taking a shower without the sounds of other people around him would probably be strange.

Back in the smallish kitchen and dining area, Hermann had the tea waiting when they returned. "I'll show him the rest, Vanessa. You should sit."

"I'm hoping the walking will keep this on schedule. Two weeks I'm willing to wait, but much longer and I will not be happy." A smile just for Newt. "Stay out of my way when I'm not happy."

There was a sudden odd flash behind Newt's eyes that made him drop roughly into the nearest chair. Maybe it was just being around a pregnant woman and a bunch of talking about babies, just that and nothing more. A warm cup was pressed into his hand, and he cradled it briefly before taking a sip. "I'm sorry, Hermann. Man, I don't know if this is a good idea," he said and took another sip. The hot liquid soothed his jangled nerves even though it couldn't stem the fresh dribble of blood from his nose.

But Hermann understood, and it was a relief that someone finally could. "Nonsense. You'll put it back where it belongs, and as you grow more accustomed to living here, these things will fade."

Newt opened his eyes just a slit, sight overly sensitive to the sun coming in the windows, and gave his friend a sloppy grin while ignoring the concern on Vanessa's face. "You're the second best dad I've ever had, dude." He didn't see the silent directions Hermann gave to his wife, but could read them clearly enough through their hive mind. "I'm fine. Really."

"You've had a long, strenuous flight. Get settled in, take a shower for God's sake, have a nap before dinner, and then we can get on with things."

"Things?"

Mouth a tight, pinched line, a perfect illustration of what this adjustment period would be like, Hermann nodded. "Living."

 

It helped, and Newt felt bad about being such a bitch about the whole thing. A nice hot shower (silent and alone with just his voice echoing in the bathroom as he sang quietly), clean clothes, a soft bed... Phantom nightmares when he fell asleep, still, but ones he had learned to cope with. The first real sleep he'd had since he'd left Hong Kong, it was a miracle he didn't sleep straight through until morning, but no. Only two short hours later, he was awake again, at first confused by the unfamiliar surroundings, thinking it was still the nightmare, but then...

In sleep, the connection wasn't as strong, or at least not as obvious, perhaps pushed aside in REM sleep. Returning to consciousness, it was like a light had been switched on to cast away all the shadows in his head. Swinging his legs out of bed, bare feet touching the floor, Newt just sat there with his eyes mostly closed. It was like being on the shore of a vast lake (not so big and dark as an ocean) with the water lapping at his feet, the waves getting larger gradually until he was ankle-deep in it... That was his waking immersion into the hive mind.

He looked down at his feet, picturing the water, though the largest lake he'd ever been in was one he could see the houses lining the opposite shore because anything bigger was too much like the ocean, filled with danger and the horrible unknown. "Fuck me, I need my pills."

Digging through his bag, he pulled out three bottles. Two were pre-drift scrips and one was post, and he only took them when necessary (no matter how low his rating, feeling like he was being crushed by a ton of bricks still felt like being crushed by a ton of bricks). This morning was a necessity, no matter the comfort he found in the tidy house, as he could feel his tension continue to build from being in this new environment. He did his best to sneak down to the bathroom, ran the water at a minimum to wash down his pills (just two, but they were garishly colored), and evaluate himself in the mirror.

He was a mess, but it was a mess he was used to. Running wet fingers through his hair in place of a comb and smoothing out his rumpled shirt, he head back to the main area. "So what'd I miss?" he asked cheerily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suspect this story will be... not super gripping, because it's just endless character stuff, but I like to build them that way so when they actually hook up (because they will), it makes sense and is a satisfying pay-off.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newt comes to a painful realization about his professional future.

He thought they might talk, establish some kind of ruleset or begin planning how they would study their connection, but Newton first thing asked him about the nearest pharmacy without even seeing the rest of the house.

"And your lack of German?"

With his typical bravado, Newton waved him off. "I can fumble through it. And drug names are gibberish in every language. Look, I don't _need_ anything right now, but I want to make sure if I do, I'm proper and official in their records. No need to be worried, and we can test the range of this." He grinned and held his hands out like this was his plan all along. "Dude, if I start getting the DTs, I will come straight back."

Though he was mentally an adolescent, Newton was technically a grown man, and Hermann couldn't stop him. "Fine. But if you start to feel anything at all-"

"Straight back, like hopping fences and cutting through yards straight."

"That won't be necessary. Just straight down the street and you'll see it."

"But where's the _drama_ in that?"

"All in your head, Newton." Maybe he'd gone too far with that, because there were a lot of things in both their heads, but the man just gave him something between a grin and a smile and bobbled his head back and forth. It was a strange gesture, but Hermann knew what it meant almost immediately. "That was not a joke. Don't read things into my words that aren't there."

"Gotcha, things you aren't saying." And he had the audacity to wink.

"Hurry up or you'll be late for dinner." That was the one weak point Hermann had learned and was willing to exploit mercilessly: just how much Newton could be motivated by food, much like a puppy.

"I will be right back!"

Eventually he hoped he'd get used to the odd feelings that churned, like mud at the bottom of a pond, when Newton did such innocent things. He wasn't sure how they could be attributed to the drift, or even _if_ they could.

"He's very enthusiastic."

"He's a menace to my sanity."

"You don't mean that."

"He _used_ to be."

Vanessa leaned up and kissed him. "Help me in the kitchen?"

 

The door opened violently just as Hermann and Vanessa sat down at the table.

"You didn't tell me it was like five miles, dude," Newt said, doubling over and sucking wind. "I can't breathe. I ran the entire way."

They just stared at him, plates of food sitting uneaten.

Slowly, Newt collapsed to the floor, wheezing. "Shit." The coughing started, dry and uncomfortable, providing no relief from the burning in his chest. Before it subsided, before he could ask for water to try and cool his core down, Hermann was there and handing him a glass.

"I should have warned you. I didn't expect you to run."

The water helped. He could feel it pass down through his esophagus, into his stomach (an odd feeling, no matter how many times experienced), and ease the irritation. What a fabulous impression he was making for Vanessa, who he was sure if she didn't like him would toss him out with her own two hands (and Hermann would stand back and watch). "Great start, right?" Newt managed to say between coughs. "But good news, Hermann, as I'm sure you know: not a twinge. So we have a little freedom from each other at least."

Hermann still looked down at him with an unusual amount of concern, but remained silent.

"I know you're worried, dude, but relax. It's like you're smothering me with a blanket." The stifling sensation eased, and Hermann extended his hand. Seemed ten years of professional animosity, competition, and a little bit of jealousy faded in the wake of drifting together. Not that Newt minded so much.

With a bit of kaiju still roaming around in his head, he really felt he needed at least one person that had his back. "Sorry about ruining your dinner," he said and took hold of the offered hand. Mostly he pushed himself to his feet, not forcing Hermann to bear too much of his weight, and stood awkwardly in front of the door, not making eye contact with Vanessa.

"It's not ruined," she said, coming to his rescue. "We just sat down. Please, come and eat something."

"Charm and personality you said?"

Hermann arched an eyebrow at him, but said nothing.

 

It was a slow climb up the stairs, taking the steps behind Hermann. "This seems like a faulty set-up, dude."

"Supposedly, the exercise is good for me, and I have all the room I need up here."

When they emerged into the open upper floor, Newt could see the appeal of the space. He whistled as he took it in. "I like it, but I'm not sure... This might hurt the resale value of the house." All the windows were covered, replaced with skylights to let natural light in. The walls were lined with bookshelves and chalkboards, with a desk tucked in one corner. Newt turned, smiling widely. "So I can keep my kaiju parts up here?"

A joke, yes, but the wrong thing to say. "You will bring no such thing into the house! And if I find anything of the like, you will be leaving."

"Hey hey hey, no need to melt down. It was a joke." As glad as Newt would have been to continue to study the kaiju, it had become very difficult for him. The flashes, nosebleeds, headaches, terrible feeling of being watched made him reluctant to look at even a container of kaiju dung. "I can't do that anymore," he explained, feeling it was the best to come clean. "I just can't. Weird shit..."

That was the only explanation he was willing to give though, and luckily Hermann rolled with it. "Well, good then. We can start setting the rules for you to..."

Hermann's voice trailed off as Newt wandered away from him to investigate things about the room closer. It was a pretty sweet setup, no doubt, but it wouldn't have been right for biological specimens anyway. The wood floor would have been destroyed in under a week, and some of those tanks were really heavy and needed reinforced bases and industrial power requirements. Not to mention hauling that stuff up stairs... And the light was all wrong, not nearly bright enough, with a ceiling too low to install exam lights. Skylights? Sunlight broke down kaiju flesh like hot water on a sugar cube. Nope, it was all wrong.

He missed it, missed it bad.

"I'm sorry, Newton."

"It sucks. I don't mind lecturing on residual drift effects, but for that to be the closest I can get to doing actual work? It's not actual work, Hermann. It's an intellectual gauze for an unidentified injury. I might as well stand up there and just read from a romance novel for all the good it does." Newt had wandered to the back, by the desk, and gracelessly dropped into a chair. "Who is going to drift with a kaiju brain now? Nobody. So me talking about it?"

He gripped the arm of the chair hard suddenly; thinking aloud made it all very clear in the moment. "Oh. Oh God damn it. I'm a walking, talking medical oddity now, aren't I? Doesn't matter what I say; they're just having a good long look at the crazy idiot who got inside the head of a monster."

"You may be crazy, but you're not an idiot."

"Sure, but you know what, dude? Fuck them. I am not doing an ounce of research into any of this."

Hermann's reply was quick, and sharp, filled with panic. "You most certainly will! This connection is-"

"There's nothing wrong with it, nothing we'll figure out from it. We already _did_ that, Hermann. We got what we needed to, and now..." He waved his hand in the air, like shooing away a pesky insect. "I'll do it, I suppose, stand up there and give my little prepared speech, take their money, maybe induce a nosebleed to see if I can make them ooh and ahh, but this is not how I want to live my life." With a grateful smile, if only for indulging him in his rant, Newt nodded to Hermann. "I won't make you choose anything, because I know that's what you're worried about. When my contract is done, I just won't re-up it, but I'll stay here. Or I'll go wherever you go because why not? I've got nothing right now."

"Newton-"

"No, it's fine. It's good that I worked this out." And his mind was ramping up once more, something it hadn't done since the breach had been closed (sealed? not likely). "Hell, I'll go back to teaching bio 101, or zoo, or organic chem. At least I'll be accomplishing something that way." He laughed a little, feeling good about this plan in a way he hadn't about lecturing. "That's me, back to molding young minds."

"A terrifying prospect."

Newt shrugged. "Maybe a little."

In the end, they'd accomplished nothing by way of rules or plans for research, or figuring out what was going on in their heads, but a delicate peace had been well established. That was probably the most important thing of all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are a resident of Heidelberg or the area, please forgive me. I prefer to be more accurate than this, but for once, I wouldn't even know where to start, so I tried to keep it generic.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Real life, from Newt's perspective, kinda sucks now.

Breakfast was a tough routine to get into. It had never been something Newt really did. He rarely kept normal hours, rarely ate at normal intervals, and rarely ate normal food. Stay up twenty hours, fall asleep for two, wake up and reheat some pizza. Or just chug an energy drink, then somewhere between lunch and dinner, snack a little until he was too hungry to deal with things, and fall asleep to restart the cycle in the morning.

It was why he stared at the food placed in front of him with both confusion and awe.

"Are you not hungry?"

"I'm starving. I'm just not used to eating in the morning." He picked up the fork like it was an unknown tool, and turned the plate until the eggs were in front of him.

"Do you... not like eggs?"

"He likes eggs just fine," Hermann said and rolled his eyes. "He just doesn't know that normal people do this every morning. I never once saw him eat actual food at breakfast."

Just to prove Hermann wrong, or at least make a point that he did indeed eat breakfast at times, Newt dug in.

"Coffee or tea?"

Around a mouthful of eggs, Newt answered, "Tea, please." He swallowed. "Can't stand coffee actually. It was just the most common and easiest caffeine to get in the shatterdome."

He could practically feel her smile as she prepared him a cup. No, he _could_ feel it because Hermann was seeing it. So damned weird to get used to.

"And none of it any good," Hermann added, sipping his own tea. "I would take advantage of the food, Newton, if only because it's not been reconstituted, re-hydrated, or microwaved."

Newt continued to eat, more slowly now, and understood the truth in his statement. And when he put the fresh preserves on his toast, he almost moaned in appreciation. He definitely drooled a little.

 

"So, and you don't have to answer, but-"

"I choose not to answer."

"You don't even know what I was going to ask!"

"You should know by now, Newton, I don't want to answer any questions you suddenly come up with." He glanced from the road to his passenger. "Are you prepared for this?"

"As much as I have been for all the others. I just have a more realistic outlook on what will be accomplished. Which is nothing." Newt leaned back in his seat. "I was really hoping something might come of what I was saying before, you know? That someone might listen. I never knew who was sitting out there. Turns out they were all just tourists."

Hermann's driving was steady and even, navigating the morning traffic with obvious practice. "I've been managing, but only because I have something tangible to return to. I've seen the looks. I'm sorry, again, Newton."

"Tell me, Hermann, how many people in the world get to do what they really love? How many people work until they can retire doing just what they want?" Newt shrugged and smiled lazily as he watched the scenery pass outside the window. "I guess I've just been reduced to the level of everyone else. I'm not a rockstar anymore." This was the perfect conversation to put him in the mood for a lecture.

Maybe if he really lost it during one, they'd release him from the pointless obligation of doing more.

 

He called them lectures, but Newt had been a lecturer, and these pointless little speaking engagements were nothing like an honest to goodness lecture, where people showed up to learn, and were (generally) happy to do so.

No, this was, aside from his definition of hell, a speaking engagement, and so he found no motivation to talk about anything outside the official recounting of events, the same information available in probably 90% of the information packets these people were given. The other 10%? Those people watched him through long range nightscopes, just waiting for a giant monster to burst out of his skull.

However, he found there was a decent bonus to the speaking arrangements: even though they couldn't get in, there were plenty of people that waited around until after he was finished to talk, or hear him talk, or to sometimes buy him a beer. That was the only good thing to come of it, the only satisfaction Newt got out of those arrangements. The kids always had interesting questions, were always honestly curious and eager to listen to what he had to say.

Without an office of his own, he would have to retire to Hermann's with his gaggle of fans in tow, much to the other man's consternation (but only expressed as a look, and never made a point of contention). With his refusal to do research, he had lots of time during the day to kill, and this was the best way to do so in his opinion.

There was hand shaking, autograph signing, and more sincere gratitude than he thought people would ever give him. There were also a couple more personal offers that just didn't fit into his lifestyle. Hermann would have killed him if he'd brought anyone home, and there was no way he felt like risking the exposure going somewhere else. You didn't get caught with college girls until _after_ you were already a rockstar.

Pity too. The one woman had been something straight up his alley.

"Please stop pondering lost conquests. It's unpleasant."

"Sorry, man. It's just been a while, you know? Jerking it just isn't the same."

As disgusted as Hermann was by the statement, because even if Newt couldn't feel that, Hermann would be, he said nothing. The man has a wife, and while Newt doesn't quite get it, they're obviously into one another, and with that comes a healthy sex life (in his opinion). Well, Vanessa's pregnant too, and there's ways around that, but Newt didn't think Hermann was the type to-

"Please, _please_ stop thinking. How you accomplish anything with the noise your brain puts out is a mystery to me."

"Sorry, I didn't mean-"

"I know, and it's the one thing that is stopping me from throwing something at you."

With an apologetic smile, Newt left Hermann's office, and shut the door. A week and a half, and this was what he was reduced to. This was not going to work for any extended length of time.

***

He returned to the house the next day riding a motorcycle and carrying a guitar on his back.

"Do you have any idea how to ride a motorcycle or play a guitar?"

"Well, Hermann,"Newt began as if he were speaking to a small child, "I'm here in one piece, so I'd say I'm fine on the bike. And I used to play a bit. I was in a band, you know?"

From the sudden look of utter distaste on Hermann's face, oh he _knew_.

"I'll keep it to the basement," Newt said. He was rusty, for sure, and needed to practice anyway. Trying to play something immediately would only prove Hermann right, and that was just not allowable. And for some reason, he felt good, walking down the steps into the basement, having a stupid little... It wasn't even a fight. Just snipping at each other. It made things feel more normal, like the whole situation might actually end up working out for them.

Hermann's voice reached him from the top of the stairs. "The first time you wake me up playing that, I am burning it!"

Well, they were still in an adjustment period.

***

The bike afforded him a little extra freedom, and the next day, after dinner, Newt proposed their first experiment. "See how far apart we can get before our connection starts getting pissed. You can stay here, and I'll do all the work."

Hermann frowned. "Then why are you even asking? You could have just gone."

"Oh, I don't know, maybe I thought you'd flip your shit at me if I took off and you suddenly thought your brain was trying to squeeze out your ears. I know we don't work in the same way, but really, at heart I'm a scientist." Again that familiarity, and while he'd snapped a little more sharply than he'd intended, Newt still flashed a grin at the end of it.

And suddenly it became official because Hermann was involved. "We should keep in steady contact, and you should stop every fixed distance so we can evaluate how-"

"Blah blah, stop sweating it, dude. I have my phone. If you start feeling weird, call me and I'll stop. Or if I start feeling it, I'll stop and call you. You always make this stuff more complicated than it needs to be." Newt leaned in close. "We're not publishing. There won't be any peer review of our work." He clapped Hermann firmly on the shoulder and started to walk backwards to the door. "We don't _have_ any peers. We are just that good."

 

The throaty growl of Newton's motorcycle was fading outside. "Don't take any chances." Vanessa's hand was very warm on his cheek.

"I won't. And Newton won't either. I'll be down to bed once I know Newton's on his way back." Waiting it out upstairs seemed like the best plan to him, where he could lose himself most effectively until the experiment played out.

He sat at the desk, in the low golden glow of the lamp and the silvery light of the moon from overhead for almost an hour. Every single twinge, tickle, and hiccup made him sit up straight and concentrate. But not one of them turned into anything more severe, and when he heard the front door open (and his work mostly drivel and gibberish), he went to check on Newton. "Results?"

Newton dropped his helmet to the floor with a loud thunk and winced. "Sorry. But here, I saved my route."

As he fumbled with his phone, Hermann approached him, only realizing how long he'd been sitting tensed in that chair when his good leg started to pain him. "How far did you go? I never felt a thing."

"Furthest I got, as the crow flies, was thirty miles, so we have a little leg room."

"Excellent." It wasn't much, but they had a basic safe distance to start with. "Perhaps we can explore it further on a different day."

"Yeah!"

Upon hearing the forcefulness of Newton's exuberance, Hermann looked at him more closely. There was color high in his cheeks, and his eye were brighter than they'd been. He looked rejuvenated. As doubtful as Hermann had been over the motorcycle, the ride and the experiment had done Newton a lot of good.

"Hey, man, you mind if I give that guitar a try? It's acoustic, won't be too loud. Just want to get my fingers back into it." Newton smirked, as if he'd made a clever joke. "I'll never become a rockstar otherwise."

That was desperation if ever Hermann had seen it though, and he found himself nodding. "Good night, Newton. I'll see you at breakfast."

"Sure thing."

But as Newton walked past, Hermann grabbed his wrist suddenly. There was an odd fraying sensation, a loose thread at the edge of his perception. "Are you all right?"

"Totally." But the way Newton's eyes slid away to look at the stairs said something else. "I'm fine, really. I just got keyed up on the ride. Do you know how long it's been since I had the freedom to do that? I love studying kaiju, but five fucking years locked in a metal bunker doing it is not my ideal time."

For a long moment, Hermann just stared at him, then nodded once. "Take care of yourself, Dr. Geiszler."

Leaning back, looking genuinely surprised by the sentiment, Newton nodded in return. "I will. And you be sure to do the same, Dr. Gottlieb. Take that one and put it in the bank. I'm not calling you Dr. Gottlieb for, like, another six months."

No one ever expected it, which always made it that much more satisfying when, with just a flick of his wrist, he could make a person drop to one knee with a solid whack of his cane into their thigh.

"Ow! Hey! I need that leg!"

That night, Hermann slept undisturbed with Vanessa next to him. He never heard the faint strumming of the guitar far into the night.

Newton's full-throated singing in the shower the next morning, that was a separate matter though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pieces are falling into place, slowly. I should stop drinking before I start writing. I might get more done in a day.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a baby. It's a kaiju. It's a baby. It's a kaiju. When will enough be enough?

Two weeks was barely enough time to get truly comfortable. The idea that he wasn't there for a visit didn't want to sink in completely (and he burned through more of his pills than he was strictly comfortable with), but Newt was making the best of it. Hermann and Vanessa didn't treat him as a guest, going so far as to stock the refrigerator with his favorite snacks and drinks, making him feel welcome. He helped around the house, which was truly _something_ because he never kept his own place that neat, did laundry, tried to become a functional part of society again.

But it must have been some kind of serendipity up to that point, because he woke up in the earliest hours of the morning in a blind panic. Completely unlike his other experiences, he couldn't even stop to tell himself to calm down. Newt had no idea what or why, only that he had to go _somewhere_ immediately. He hopped out of bed, nearly crashing face-first to the floor as his foot got caught in the sheet, with no idea what to do, but hurried out into the hallway anyway.

The feeling was all-encompassing, making rational thought impossible, so without consideration he knocked on Hermann's door. "Shit, dude, I don't know what's going on, but I'm losing my mind out here!"

The door was flung open in his face to reveal a similarly panicked Hermann. The man had never looked so discombobulated. Three words: "The baby, Newton."

And it all made sense in that instant. That allowed Newt to push the panic away, find that space within him that knew there was nothing wrong, regain his composure, and rush back to his room to change. It was tough though, with Hermann's concern crawling across him, worry and even terror battering at away at his fragile bubble of peace. _Hold it together, Hermann. Hold it together._

He would drive them to the hospital, just as soon as he could get the shaking in his hands under control, so Hermann could freak out as much as he wanted. "I''m coming!" he said, charging back out with his pants unzipped and his shirt unbuttoned. "Let's go!"

"Don't kill us on the way there! And finish getting dressed. Dear God."

Newt made an indistinct noise, something like a choked gargle and a snort, and fumbled with his shirt. "Don't leave without me!"

"We won't, Newt," Vanessa assured him and patted his arm, a gesture that turned into a clawed grip in an instant.

With a quiet hiss of pain, Newt cringed away from the woman, but didn't pull out of her hold, couldn't even if he'd tried. "OK, OK, we're going." He walked slowly, little more than a shuffle to move with the couple to the door. "Hey, Vanessa. Hey." They were almost to the front door. "I need my shoes..."

Her fingernails were dug into his skin like hooks.

"Quit whining, Newton. This is serious," Hermann said and gave him a very cross look. "If you're not going to help then get out of the way."

"But... my arm..." He reached down to snag his shoes as they moved inexorably out the door.

 

With the small wounds on his arm cleaned and bandaged, Newt paced the waiting room. Sitting for more than a minute at a time had proven impossible with nothing for him to concentrate on other than the reason he was there. He'd been able to tune out Hermann's frantic concern for the last three hours, but his own was pretty much impossible to control.

For the first hour he'd considered why he was so invested in the birth of the baby, mostly coming to the conclusion that a good portion of it was due to Hermann's memories. To a lesser extent, the bleed over from Hermann's emotions, and then his own burgeoning affection for Vanessa. She'd been nothing but nice to him, accommodating, and understanding under difficult circumstances that she'd never asked for or even truly been able to plan for.

But then the presence that lurked in his mind reared its head. It was that damned baby kaiju, or just the memory of it. That only made his worry bloom exponentially, not because he was worried about an attack, but the way it had died. Anything could go wrong. _Anything_.

Two hours later...

Newt kept rubbing the phone in his pocket, waiting for news from Hermann, even if it were only to tell him it would be another six hours and he should get something to eat. Christ he was hungry. Turning out his pockets revealed one wadded up five euro note and a handful of single coins, probably enough for a snack from the vending machine.

He ran. He jammed his money in the machine, hit random buttons, grabbed the products dropped into the slot, and ran back. Sitting back down, he found the food held no appeal, no matter how loudly his stomach grumbled. Newt just sat there, his knee bouncing, clutching an opened energy bar, and stared at a wall. There had been plenty of times that he'd been unable to keep still, but he'd always had something to turn to before.

Here, in the hospital, the empty and silent waiting area, there was nothing. Except one thing...

 

A giant, empty cavern that his voice echoed into endlessly. Even if Hermann had been there with him, it would have been too quiet, lacking the rest of the voices that belonged in this place. It was never meant for just two minds, two voices, two _humans_.

In the far distant darkness, Newt could "see" a faint blue glow. "Go away," he said, his voice reverberating around him like a sonic shockwave. "You don't belong here anymore."

There was an answering growl, like a giant grumble, but the blue light remained.

"You're not going to get anything. You don't even really exist. You're just a memory that I haven't figured out how to forget yet."

The growl came again, this time sounding a little angry, and the light intensified, sharpened until it was six points like a malevolent constellation high above him.

"Go away" _trespasseronibabayamarashiknifeheadraijumutavoreleatherbackotachiscunner and so many more that were never given names by the precursors and they were all there but not, waiting for them_

It was an odd feeling when the kaiju roared to somehow feel it all around him when Newt knew he was sitting perfectly still an a damned uncomfortable chair. The creature bloomed into existence above him, taking shape around the six points of light, arms and tentacles and horns and wings and claws and teeth, the conglomeration of every kaiju he'd ever seen, eager to rip him apart from the inside out.

_You can't have this memory.  You can't have this moment, a new little Gottlieb. You're not allowed here._ It wasn't a mental voice this time, just actions brought about by thoughts, and the beast with its terrible presence howled in defiance even as it shrunk back into the darkness. _No more precursors. No more kaiju. Just me. And Hermann._

Another roar, this one somehow smaller and definitely more pathetic as the blue glow faded into nothing.

The vibration of his phone in his pocket jerked him back to consciousness, still sitting in the hospital, with his chin down against his chest. A dream? Some kind of spontaneous drift? Or had he really just been entranced by the metaphysical exploration of the hive mind?

How the fuck did that work?

But Newt shook himself out of it, his chest filled with warmth and pride and love, and pulled his phone out. He already knew what was waiting for him to read.

_A healthy boy. Leon._

Smiling as widely as his face would allow, Newt looked around for someone, anyone, to hug, but the area was vacant other than a nurse sitting behind a glass barrier. She'd have to do. "It's a boy!" he shouted, getting her attention whether she cared or not.

She indulged him and smiled in return.

That was enough for him.

It was almost another hour before Hermann came out to get him, a generous gesture he wasn't obliged to do at all. "We're going to stay until tomorrow. You can go home if you'd like. There's no reason for you to sleep in one of those chairs."

"Maybe I'll just go nap in the car." Though he felt far too charged up to sleep, full of hope and optimism.

"Do whatever makes you most comfortable."

Before Newt could say more on the topic, Hermann was opening the door to a room and slipping quietly inside. The lights were low, which shouldn't have been a surprise considering it was nearly four in the morning. Vanessa was asleep in the bed while little Leon was swaddled and sleeping in a bassinet next to her.

Hermann lifted the child gently to avoid waking him and held him so Newt could get a good look. A tiny squished face with a sprout of dark hair were the only details he could pick out, but it didn't matter. "He's perfect," Newt said with awe, leaning in close, but afraid to touch at all. "Aw shit, man. I think I'm gonna cry."

He backed away, allowing Hermann to return the baby to the bassinet, and scrubbed his eyes with the back of his shirt sleeve. Newt had no idea how to handle so much joy, even if most of it wasn't his own.

 

The two men spoke in low tones as Vanessa fed Leon on the other side of the drawn curtain.

"You did _what_?"

The way Hermann's accent got all ridiculously overblown when the man was incensed amused Newt. "I tried to dig the kaiju out of my head. Out of the hive mind. I don't know if it worked, but I saw it, and it was pissed. They were pissed."

In response, Herman rubbed his forehead as he took slow, deep breaths.

"Hey, I wasn't going to let it ruin this the way it ruined a bunch of other memories for me. I told it to fuck off. I _made_ it leave. I don't think it's permanent, they're still there, but I didn't want to start thinking of that baby kaiju as Leon too."

Nothing described the sensation between them better than "feeling each other out" in the moment.

"Yes, I'm upset," Hermann hissed at him, trying to keep his voice as low as possible. "How many times are you going to endanger your life before you realize it's a _bad idea_?"

But Newt's reply was much more rational, an odd switch in their usual roles. "Hermann, that's not real up there." He tapped his head. "It reads real, feels real, but it's not. They're dead, dude. All that's left is the distraction. Ghosts."

"Then you can get back to your study of them? Since they're just distracting ghosts."

At that, the blood drained from Newt's face, and he squirmed in the hard plastic chair. "I-I don't know about that. Maybe. Eventually."

Hermann's hand suddenly touched Newt's arm. The physical contact made the connection that much stronger. "I'm sorry. I forgot."

Distractions were one thing. Suffering physical effects was quite another. One drop of blood from an unexpected nosebleed and any work being done was ruined. Yes, Newt had been scared off doing the work he loved by the mental manifestations, but there had always been that practical reason as well. "Maybe you're right," he said finally. "I wasn't in the right place for it before, didn't know how to handle it. I might be able to now."

But the shadow of the monstrous chimera loomed in his head, just a ghost, but one so horrific lurking at the back of his subconscious, Newt never wanted to encounter it again. When he lifted his hand to scratch his cheek, he noticed it was trembling. "It's like seeing the huge, scary shadow on the wall. You don't, under any circumstance, want to see whatever's making that shadow, even if it's just a kitten with feather casting it."

"You should show me sometime."

"No, you should know better than to let these things loose in your head."

"They already are, Newton."

***

Newt got no breaks for the arrival of the baby, unlike Hermann. His talks suffered for it, but he didn't much care. He would speak in monotone through the presentation, then when it was done, become animated once again meeting the enthusiastic kids after. He was starting to recognize faces.

One of them, while they were gathered in Hermann's office (without the man to cast disapproving looks at them) asked a question no one had bothered to before.

"What else are you going to do?"

He shoved down the disappointment to plaster on his standard smile. "Not sure. They love hearing me talk here, but it's not really the way I want to go. At least not for very long." It was placating and soothing and encouraging, and he didn't believe one bit of it, but the kids did. The kids believed, and that was something he'd picked up even when he was younger than the students he'd been teaching: getting them to believe was more than half the fight.

Really, he'd hated teaching when he first started, but there'd been _something_ when he saw them getting it, listening to him, asking the right questions, and succeeding... If Newt hadn't been so egotistical and self-absorbed, he might have considered teaching full time at that point in his life.

"But really, I have nothing to announce. Until the PPDC gives me an all-clear, I don't want to spread myself too thin. In case I need to save the world again."

They laughed, believed, believed in him, and that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...this is rough, I know it. I hate writing hospital stuff because every time you go to one it's a completely different experience. There's no way to boil it down to a simple descriptive formula. Also lol chapter summary.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Acceptance, and it's a little worrying for Hermann. Or not. He's not totally sure quite yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a mix for y'all.
> 
> [NSFW (unless your work is cool with swearing)] [The Infuriating Hive Mind](http://8tracks.com/lixyewup/infuriating-hive-mind)  
> I'm surprised more people aren't including Rockstar by N*E*R*D* in their Newt mixes. The Jason Nevins remix is aces.

Though he asked himself how it had happened, how he'd become their housekeeper/errand boy, Newt was perfectly aware of it, dived right into it. He was just taking care of them, the way they'd taken care of him. If the best way to do that was to go to the store or do the laundry or wash the dishes, than that was what he was doing.

And if the best way was to not punch Hermann for reminding him _again_ how to wash those sweaters of his, then somehow Newt would also manage.

If it meant ignoring the looks of concern when he would rush to the bathroom to be sick because a cry of distress from Leon would immediately make the memory of being strangled by his own umbilical cord become bright blue and crystal clear in his head, he'd do that too. That hurt, letting the kaiju crowd in on such simple things, but whatever he'd done that night in the hospital did work.

That was a free memory, one that he could reflect on without eyes watching him from the darkness outside the hospital window, or seeing eyes and teeth and leathery flesh swaddled in that white blanket. The memory was entirely human, and his. And Hermann's, though the man had his own specific memory of the night, and Newt didn't dig into it out of respect.

And he'd finally found something to keep him busy, even if it didn't keep his brain occupied very much. The physical activity, the distraction was enough to hold back any _personal_ incidents, and he suffered through the intermittent headaches with only the use of over the counter pain relief. It was, overall, an all right time.

One night, with Vanessa supervising, he made dinner, and joked back at her, "I could probably live on my own after all this like a real adult." He'd been too busy to care at MIT, and then the PPDC. What sane person had time for cooking and cleaning and laundry when there were so many more important things to devote time to?

"If that's something you want to do."

Newt said nothing, pretending to concentrate on what he was doing, but he wondered if he'd given the impression that he wanted to leave. The notion was crazy. Why the hell would he ever leave when he had it pretty good right where he was? With the kind of limitations already upon him, why go through so much trouble?

"I know you've started doing more than your share around the house. You don't have to do it."

That was exactly what she thought he meant. "No, it's fine. I'm the one that barged in and made you rearrange your lives. I should be doing more." He turned and gave her a sickly smile. "I'm not really bringing anything to the table otherwise, right?"

"Don't burn it."

"Shit!" Newt turned back to the food, smoke just starting to curl up from the pan. "Damn!" He stirred it and turned down the heat, hoping he hadn't ruined it.

"Here." Vanessa was thrusting Leon into his arms and taking his place in front of the stove to rescue what he'd almost ruined. She plucked the spoon from his hand and gently muscled him out of the way.

Newt stood stock still with the baby in his arms, terrified he'd drop him or fold or bend him and snap him in half. "It was a joke," he said, staring at the tiny life in his arms. "I don't want to go anywhere." It would be like starting over yet again. That would be the fourth time in fifteen years, which was too often for anyone. This was the first place since he'd left his parents' house that felt something like a home.

***

Hermann watched as Newton downed the oddly shaped pill, then turned and made a face. "Bad taste?"

"Nope. I've just been waiting for this to go away since last night and it's not." He laid his hand flat against his sternum and rubbed it. "You know, usually it goes away on its own, but it's been a real bitch."

"Have you-"

"Of course I have. You know those procedures are only, like, 50/50? If they were guaranteed, I would go under the knife in an instant." Newton gave him that crooked smile that meant he was perfectly aware of his own failings. "It's cheap stuff. Mostly harmless. Childproof cap even. Hey," he said and pointed, "don't even start a lecture about the fentanyl. I only used it the once."

The memory, as frightening as the experience had been, made Hermann smile tightly. "I thought you were dead." Just two days after the breach had been closed, ruining any sort of celebration.

"Yeah, had to get a new pillow. That one was soaked through with drool. Don't take that shit and then pass out face down."

"You could have said something."

"No biggie. Now I know: wrap my pillow in a plastic bag."

"Newton."

"Hermann."

With a heavy sigh, unable to fathom why the man took it all so lightly, Hermann started on a different track. "I'm going back to work Monday. You'll help Vanessa during the day?"

"Of course." He was still rubbing his chest and taking deep breaths. "My schedule's slowed down. I think the novelty has died down finally. _Finally_."

"Will they be having you do things during your free time?"

A harshly cynical laugh in reply. "They don't think I can do anything. It's either play tour guide of the last day of the breach being open, or study kaiju, and since I can't do that, I'm useless."

"A preposterous notion. The work you did before-"

"Just like the work you did before, dude. Nobody remembers except the PPDC. I might as well have walked in off the street with a kaiju brain the day I drifted."

"Bio-med-"

"Hermann." Newton leveled his gaze at him from over the top of his glasses. "They're not interested in that stuff here. And they sure don't care about it without applying any kaiju-based advances. Nice place, just not suited to any of my strengths." He refilled his glass with cold water and drained it greedily. "Ah, there it goes."

"Do you regret coming here?" He hadn't realized the depth of Newton's dissatisfaction, and felt bad about it even though there was little he could have done.

Newton thought for a longer time than Hermann was comfortable with before answering. "No. I don't regret coming here, and I don't regret coming to stay with you. We made a pretty good team before. We can still do that."

That was certainly something Hermann agreed with, even with all their fights and general squabbling and disparate personalities.

"Do you?"

"Hm?"

"Do you regret me coming here?"

It often astounded Hermann just how insecure Newton was when he _knew_ how impossibly arrogant the man could be. Arrogant and so in love with his own ideas that nobody could ever convince him he was wrong. "Under these circumstances, I'm not pleased. But you, specifically, no, I don't regret it."

"Thanks, man."

***

The first time Vanessa called him "Uncle Newt", Hermann knew they were in it for the long haul. The idea would have been terrifying before, but he didn't mind so much any longer.

Then she let him feed Leon, and Hermann knew he should have felt jealousy, but he experienced no such thing. The look of concentration and awe on Newton's face sent a wave of warmth through him instead.

And then she taught him how to change a diaper, laughing that his small and skilled hands were perfect for the task. He gave her a lopsided grin as he said that baby poop still didn't smell as bad as kaiju bile. Hermann didn't disagree with the sentiment.

Then Hermann watched as Newton rocked Leon while Vanessa made dinner, swaying gently as he circled the table. How could a man be so coordinated to do that combination of movement all at once and still be such a terrible dancer? A comical thought, but there was nothing comical about the look on Newton's face, one Hermann knew well because it was reflected on his own face every time he looked at his child: love.

Hermann never mentioned the time he witnessed Newton sitting with Leon, quietly strumming on his guitar and singing nonsense under his breath. He didn't need to. Newton had been perfectly aware of his presence and just continued playing.

As inextricably involved as Newton was in his life, had been for over a decade, he was in Vanessa and Leon's lives too. The man was here to stay, for better or worse. Hermann was not resigned to this fact; he actively and wholeheartedly accepted it.

***

"Good morning, Newt."

"'Morning, Vanessa."

Hermann shook his head as he watched Newton stroll sleepily into the kitchen. "You could at least bother to put on some proper clothes." Because the man was still dressed in pajama bottoms and a tanktop, and it was far too casual a thing to be wearing to breakfast.

"No slips," Newton answered, unconcerned as he sat down at the table in what had turned into his chair. "Got my shorts on underneath."

"Slips?" Understanding dawned on Hermann's face. "And that is inappropriate conversation for breakfast."

Newt smiled at Vanessa, with Leon cradled in one arm asleep, as she put a cup of tea down in front of him, and winked. "I'll save it for dinner then." A long sip, and he sighed in relief, loud in the relative silence around them.

"Stop that," Hermann said suddenly. "I can feel you starting to make plans already. I have important things to do today. I don't have time to disentangle your thoughts from my head. Not today."

Looking overly hurt by the accusation, Newt shrugged in defense. "It's just how my brain works, dude. I can't help it. You should be used to it by now!"

"Boys, Leon is asleep. Please keep it down." Vanessa was their peacekeeper, and Leon was her weapon. In the face of this fortified front, neither man could fight back. "Newt, are you going in today?" She turned to him, her eyes straying for a brief moment to the visible edges of his tattoos. "You can ride in with Hermann."

"I'll take my bike. Don't worry about it. He hates it when I loiter around his office."

"There's plenty of room. It's no problem. Stop scowling, Hermann."

Instantly Hermann's face smoothed, his mouth pinched into a thin line while Newton grinned and squinted up at her. He wasn't wearing his glasses.

"Really, it's fine. I have rounds of phone tag to play today. If I go in, I have to play actual tag. To answer for my behavior." He looked at Hermann.

Hermann shrugged. "I'm not your keeper. You are not my employee." He had important things to do; he couldn't get involved in this inconsequential drama (and damn it all, Newton felt the same, so why was he trying to start things?). But looking at the man, still, that grin told him everything.

_Incorrigible_.

It had been an unfortunate accident just two nights ago, that both himself and Newton were still blushing about, that had prompted this childish behavior. First it had been the relief and love from the couple, then increasing passion and arousal that had flooded across their connection, enough that Newton's surprise and confusion had broadcast back.

All those warm and pleasant feelings turned suddenly into rage, and Newton had fled on his bike into the night until the the feelings were sufficiently dulled.

"Shit," Newton said aloud. "Burned my mouth."

But no, another consequence of drifting, for anyone, was that memories didn't need to be big and bold to be experienced. Hermann had lived that moment, and so Newt could remember it. It was the hive mind again, suddenly bringing that memory forward.

_STOP_

Hermann was glaring at Newton with all his being, gripping the edge of the table with white knuckles.

_For God's sake, stop right now!_

Fumbling with the coffee cup for a moment, almost spilling it over the white table linen,and trying to exit as gracefully as possible, Newton stood. "And I forgot to charge my phone. Won't be much good for phone tag if it's dead." And he fled the room.

Vanessa gave a disapproving sighed and said,"You shouldn't be so harsh with him." She was fixing a breakfast plate for Newton, knowing the phone had been an obvious excuse to leave the room. He'd be back out eventually, probably after they'd left.

"He brings up the most inappropriate things, things that are not even his business to be thinking of!"

Ducking her head, Vanessa smiled. "That again? I don't know why you're embarrassed."

"I'm not embarrassed!" Hermann ran his hand down the side of his face, and when he spoke again it was very quietly. "It was like he was _there_ , just out of the blue, watching."

Vanessa's smile faded as she regarded him closely. "I wish I could drift with you. It sounds very intimate."

And that was exactly the problem: it was horrifically intimate, and they couldn't shut it off, barely control it. "It is." He laughed suddenly, the idea making him feel like he was becoming unhinged. "I suppose that means I've been intimate with him now." That thought he let loose into their hive mind of two openly, and felt a surprised choking sensation in return. _One for me._

"You are a very good man," Vanessa said, now standing at his side. "And Newt is a very good uncle."

Hermann started to protest the idea, but she leaned down and kissed him, just at the corner of his mouth. There was nothing chaste about the intention. She didn't give a damn about Newton mentally peeping on them, and he had no idea how he felt about that.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newt lets Hermann talk him into something he doesn't want to do, and there's ugly feelings to sort though. And Newt starts to realize something really unfortunate about himself.

Newt paced the length of Hermann's office, clutching the sheaf of papers in his hand so tightly they were sweaty and crumpled halfway into a ball. He didn't want to do this, didn't want to be pushed into doing work he wasn't comfortable with, but he'd let his guilt get the better of him. Hermann's argument had been just convincing enough to get him throw together the scraps of information he'd gathered about melding with the kaiju brain.

It was barely more than guesswork, ideas he'd planned on researching at one point and then abandoned when he couldn't handle it, but it was of interest to those who...

"Damn. Damn it." Who would do any research? He couldn't. It wasn't Hermann's field. Anyone else would involve being a subject of study, the study of something that couldn't be examined externally. This was something only he and Hermann were qualified to work on.

The science wasn't as desperate as it had been, the only reason he got away with doing so little with it now, but it was still of strong interest. And this was certainly something interesting.

_Why the hell am I doing this?_

Because the breach was an event, not an accident. It was an event that could be repeated. That's what Hermann's numbers said. Could and _would_ be repeated. They couldn't stop preparing for it, and these people needed to know.

Newt looked at the papers in his hand, his scrawl on them smudged to near illegibility. He knew what was on it by heart, had spent hours thinking about it, but translating his thoughts into something other people could understand was not something he could do on the fly. "Shit."

His phone chimed. It was time.

 

Newt stood at the front of the room, evoking memories of teaching, but there were no curious students in the seats. No, just unfriendly faces along with Marshall Hansen and Hermann. Here, though, Hermann was a scientific peer only, and wouldn't support him openly.

Openly, but that was something they could bypass now.

Running his hand through his hair as he tossed his papers on the lectern. It was time to put on a show.

"Jaeger pilots drift in a very controlled manner. There's software and hardware and a control room to wrangle every part of the process, monitor every breath and heartbeat and synapse. And when they disconnect, they're done. The effect builds, that's in all the studies, after long enough, but they're still separate people." Newt looked briefly at Hermann, who had his gaze pointed very firmly at a tablet of paper in front of him. "But the kaiju turns this orderly little brain interstate into downtown New York at rush hour." Or maybe it was just him.

But no, it wasn't just him.

The others in the room, the ones with the money and power and influence looked disinterested.

"You block off a highway and no traffic drives on it. You can't block off New York. There's always traffic, always people, there's always something going on. That's the hive mind. That's the kaiju brain. Dr. Gottlieb and I opened the interstate; that's not unique. That doesn't make us different than any pilot. But somehow when we got off at our exit, it was in the middle of New York, and now we can't get out."

Still nobody seemed to care what he was saying, nobody cared about the implications of a hive mind in humans. He looked at Hermann again, this time with some vague sense of desperation. If he had to humiliate himself this way, he wanted _something_ out of it.

Newt considered Hermann his friend. To watch the man slowly lift his head and shake it nearly crushed him.

_They'll never understand. Don't let it get to you. Just..._

It was less words, more feelings. Not even true thoughts or emotions telling him he was sorry and to forget it and come home, just a wave something, like...

_Home_ echoed in his head, and he couldn't take his eyes away from Hermann.

_Don't break. You tried. I shouldn't have pushed you to do it._

Newt straightened up and looked at the men judging him, judging his worth, judging him as not interesting enough to give their attention to. A glance at Marshall Hansen, who nodded, and he said, "Thank you." He walked away, shame and fury burning down his back the entire time. After he said he wasn't going to pursue this, he'd let Hermann convince him it was for the good of everyone, and this was the result.

He'd left himself open to future poking and prodding by some idiots in white coats who thought they knew something about neural connections and drifting and kaiju, and he was positive they'd come to him eventually. When one of those shirts finally remembered what he was saying, they'd get some bright idea and knock on their door. His and Hermann's, and Vanessa's and Leon's.

He kicked a trash bin down the hall as he marched back to Hermann's office, the anger simmering away to leave him filled with resentment and dread, and like a stupid little kid tears were starting to burn at the corners of his eyes. He needed to get the hell out of there, immediately.

 

Hermann stood aside, watching Vanessa mother Newton, unsure of what he could do to help the situation.

She looked at him while she continued to stroke Newton's hair. "What happened?"

Oddly enough, bitterness at what Newton had gone through bubbled up. "They don't understand and they don't care to. They don't want to believe that this was something that will most likely happen again. I understand his disappointment even if I don't share in it."

"Does he know? That you've been there before." And that she'd done something very similar for him after, countless times.

"He does. Crushing disappointment fades quite quickly I've found." It simply has to, because what he's feeling at the moment makes him want to contemplate suicide.

Newton looked up at him, green eyes going wide.

In an effort to appear stronger than he felt, Hermann managed to stand up straighter, his hand white-knuckled on his cane. "They don't matter," he said. "They can't understand. This is beyond even Marshall Hansen, though I believe he'll appreciate and support any help we might give him." _Just snap out of it._ The thought was more irritated than he truly felt, but he was tired and annoyed by yet another presentation of something amazing being ignored. The headache started at the base of his skull, throbbing dully down through his shoulders and up to his ears. "I need to go to bed."

Silence and darkness were the only things that would help at this point. He went to the couch and lifted Vanessa's hand to kiss. For a brief moment he hesitated, then put his hand Newton's shoulder. "Good night."

It didn't stay a good night for long. A couple hours after he'd gone to bed, finally fallen asleep in spite of his headache, a whisper woke him up. He slid out of bed carefully, removing Vanessa's hand from his side, and hobbled out into the hallway. He didn't even bother to knock on Newton's door before he entered. The man was awake and looking distressed still.

"Did you mean it?" Newton asked, though the words may or may not have been spoken.

"Mean what?" Hermann replied, and even he wasn't sure if he'd spoken aloud. They'd drifted together once, but their connection grew stronger every moment. Damned hive mind.

"About coming home."

"You're here, aren't you?" But that's not what Hermann felt from Newton, not the question he was asking.

"Here, but..."

It was so strong, it reminded Hermann of all his best memories of his childhood and parents, and moving in with Vanessa, the birth of Leon and bringing him back from the hospital. He had to sit in the small chair decorated with Newton's discarded clothing.

_Home_.

How could he deny it? "Yes, Newton. Home, here. With us." He'd never seen the man look so vulnerable, not even when he was on the brink of death. And certainly never so grateful. Vulnerable and grateful were not things Newton Geiszler did.

"I do when the situation calls for it. Just hasn't called for it in a while. Quit dogging me when I'm being vulnerable and grateful, dude." He went silent suddenly, in both body and mind. "How do we make this work?" he asked quietly. "You've got a baby and a wife, and me."

"You should know better than anyone: we adapt." Slowly Hermann levered himself back to his feet. "We adapt, Newton."

***

Adaptation was tougher than just saying they were going to do it. Newt started taking his meds on a more regular basis, especially after the failed presentation, and while they made him feel like the underside of a kaiju's foot sometimes, they held his horrible moments to almost zero. It would be a sudden moment of urgency, out of nowhere, where nothing made sense, like a terrible dream while being wide awake. A little nausea and sweating once in a while was better than that. Thankfully, Hermann never commented (not like he needed to), and Vanessa was impossibly understanding as always.

"Hereditary," he told Vanessa when she walked in the kitchen to see him taking his brightly colored pill. "Not bad, but it seems more frequent when I'm not distracted by trying to save the world." He gave her a crooked grin. It was the truth; academia without kaiju was a bore. The _waiting_ set him off more than anything.

"Just be sure to keep those put away," she said, and continued about her business. "Leon will be into everything when he gets older."

"Right." There was a dull ache inside of him that he couldn't pinpoint. When he'd first started feeling it, he thought it was the usual, but when none of his usual treatments (both of the simple and chemical kind) helped, he determined it was something else. It was the worst when Vanessa was around, which made him want to deny that it was anything other than a physical ailment.

Deny it was emotional, an impossible want for a woman he could never have. A want that wasn't even truly his.

"Newt?" Her hand brushed across his back, curling around him, to settle against his ribs.

With a shake of his head, Newt shrugged. "I thought, after I drifted with the kaiju the first time, I'd be the stronger one. I thought Hermann would get caught in the effects." He glanced up as she leaned against him. "But he has you. Which is an interesting thing, and probably deserves more study. You share the load, somehow, and I'm jealous as hell."

"Share the load? I always have. Not the way you two have, but in whatever way I possibly can."

Well that was... That was silly. Chicken soup wouldn't prevent seizures or aneurysms. But there was no doubt that Hermann has been handling this way better than he has, and it was starting to drive Newt a little crazy.

And the only true difference between them was Vanessa. Damn. It might just be true.

Newt scratched his neck, where his beard was starting come in a little too thick and scratchy for his own tastes, and frowned. "How do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Everything. You do everything, like Supergirl. Or... was there a Superwoman? I don't remember. I wasn't into comics. But! You do everything and take care of Leon. How?"

Vanessa shrugged. "I just do it because someone has to. I made a choice when I graduated to work in a field that was intellectually beneath me, to support Hermann at home while he had so much more to worry about. It's what I've gotten used to."

For a brief moment, Newt's eyes ticked back and forth, like he was scanning a file.

"I know that look," Vanessa said and smiled triumphantly. "You never thought about my job before, did you? You were just looking through Hermann's memory for it!"

"That obvious?"

"To me it is. And yes, I work at a bookstore. I work there, when I'm not on maternity leave, because I love books and reading, and I love to bullshit with the customers. I should tell you my theory about Dadaism and HP Lovecraft sometime."

"And you have just beat me to being a rockstar." But under the circumstances, it was a title he would readily relinquish to her.

"Before I got pregnant, I-"

Newt waved his hands in surrender. "No, no more. You're already too perfect. Anything more and the world would explode."

But Vanessa got a sad look on her face for a moment, her eyes losing their usual sparkle. "I had so much free time. I only did it all to keep myself busy, to keep my mind off how empty the house was."

Of course, something Newt never considered because the only thing he'd had waiting for him when he was off at a different shatterdome every year was a storage unit filled with junk. Without saying anything else, he hugged her and felt that ache flare to life when she pressed against him.

Nothing could ever be easy for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still debating a slide into m/m. If it does, it won't be explicit (so I say now.. the future might dictate otherwise). m/f/m is definitely on the way, and some behavior that normal hetero men wouldn't probably exhibit.
> 
> For visualization purposes, I use Gina Carano as Vanessa, because I find the contrasts between all three of them hilarious and perfect (and she is smoking hot, and probably really could pick up Charlie Day and throw him out the door).


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things become clear and muddied at the same time before Hermann and Newt and Vanessa come to an understanding.

Hermann was at work, and that was where Newt should have been at the very least pretending to be productive, but he needed to talk to Vanessa. It was just something that had to be said, that he decided he couldn't hold back any longer, and he had no interest in being stared at (like an object of curiosity, not like a rockstar) on campus. No, it was more comfortable to spend his time at home, being the world's most intelligent housewife.

Newt kept his eyes on Leon while he spoke, hoping it would somehow force things to make sense in his head, be a voice of reason, or possibly stop him. Green eyes on the baby, willing the feelings to go away. Hermann's baby being held by Hermann's wife. But they suddenly ticked up to look directly into hers. "I love you, Vanessa." He couldn't remember the last time he'd told anyone he loved them.

"You don't really mean that, Newt."

"I do, but just hear me out." It was an open floodgate now. There was no stopping it, certainly no denying it. " _I_ , meaning me, do love you, and I appreciate everything you do. I mean _everything_. I appreciate you just existing. Now there's another me that doesn't like you at all, doesn't like anyone, doesn't even like myself."

"The kaiju."

"Right. And then there's the me that's Hermann, and I love you more than anything, and I don't expect anything or want anything. I just had to say it. It's just been building and building, and I felt miserable not being able to say it. So... there you go." He relaxed back in the chair, deflating somewhat, and looked back at the baby. "I love you, and..." Newt's voice got very quiet, saying words he'd never properly made into thoughts before even. "I love Hermann too. To not love him would be like not loving myself."

"That's how far it's gone then?"

Newt gave her a wry half-smile. "Yeah, we're in pretty deep. Which I'm sorry about, but it had to be done. End of the world and all."

"I don't begrudge you that. Does Hermann know about all this?"

Suddenly, Newt's tie was the most interesting thing in the world even though it was plain black and perfectly clean. "Yeah, he knows, not that we ever talk about it. But he doesn't know I told you. I hadn't ever planned on it really." He fiddled with the ends of his tie, knotting them together, and feeling like he might have made a terrible mistake. "I should have kept my mouth shut, damn it."

"No, Newt. If these are just Hermann's feelings you're unable to contain, then it's fine. I try, very hard, to keep the proper perspective on the situation," she said, bouncing Leon gently and watching Newt too closely for his comfort, "even though I only know what you two tell me."

"I know how I feel is either directly from the drift, or has happened because of the drift, but honestly, you're my family now." He shrugged, giving up on his tie, to drum his fingers silently on the table while he made his confession. "I don't know what else you want me to say. I do, really, love you all, and I feel like a total idiot saying that, but... I'm scared sometimes." It was the only thing he hid consistently from Hermann; it was solely Newt's burden. "But you don't need to hear about that. Nevermind. It's not important."

Vanessa took a moment to adjust her hold on Leon, fussing over him a moment longer than necessary. "Something you hide from Hermann. Tell me."

Expected, but he didn't want to make anyone else worry, or worse. "It'll change what you think of me."

But Vanessa just tilted her head as she regarded him. "Tell me, Newt."

"It's getting worse," he blurted out. Hiding it from Hermann to not scare the man. "That first time I drifted with the kaiju, it's getting worse. Nothing _weird_ , just headaches, random nosebleed, sometimes my vision gets a little blurry in my left eye."

"But it's getting worse."

Newt shifted uncomfortably in the chair. He really just wanted to go back to declaring his love for this woman. "More frequent. I have fentanyl if it gets really bad, but if I take it, it pretty much puts me into a coma for a day, which I just can't live with. I think I'd rather suffer than do that again." The idea that they would leave him behind because he was unconscious and unable to do anything for himself...

"Doctor?"

"Nothing to be done, unless I want to submit myself for a long-term study. Which I do _not_." He sighed, slouching further down. "I'm-"

"Don't you dare apologize again."

"Actually I was going to say I'm kind of hungry and I was going to go get lunch. Did you want anything?" He gave her a tired smile, and was rewarded with a warm one in return that did wonders to push the fears and that gray feeling out of him.

***

"Dude, use a towel or he's gonna barf right on your sweater."

Hermann turned to see Newton getting a cloth out.

"I don't need you barking at me about how your sweater's not clean again."

It was strange to see the man Hermann had considered a slob for ten years hurrying forward to drape the towel over his shoulder and arrange it to protect his favorite sweater. "Thank you, Newton." In truth, being a father was still very strange, an event, a series of events, a tiny person that followed no patterns he could interpret. And Hermann didn't feel like he was home enough to settle into the routine of taking care of Leon like Vanessa and Newton had. "I'm missing too much," he said as he put Leon to his shoulder and pat his back the way Vanessa had shown him.

"You haven't missed anything. He's a baby. He doesn't do anything yet."

Hermann gave Newton a cross look, probably the most annoyed he'd been with the man since before the breach had been closed. " _He exists._ He's my son."

"Well, yeah, but you get to see that every day. It's not like he started walking or doing long division."

That made Hermann smile, dissipating the annoyance in an instant. "I'll give him a few more months before he starts that."

"You'll know it when you find him wearing a sweater and carrying around chalk." Newton looked thoughtful from his place at the sink. "I wonder if they make onesies in an argyle pattern?"

"In your size? Doubtful."

"Hey, I would rock that, and you know it."

"No, Newton, you would not. That would be awful." But Hermann abruptly looked down at his own sweater, the one that had been his favorite for going on four years. He looked to Newton, who had abandoned the dishes and was watching him with concern. "Is it so bad? Do I...?"

"It's fine, Hermann," Newton said with a gentility that only pity could manufacture. "It's your look."

Every Christmas, Vanessa buying him new sweaters in very staid solids, like navy and charcoal, and him thanking her, but always returning to the argyle... "Newton, could you please take Leon for a moment?" He was very proud when his voice did not quiver.

When Newton had taken the baby (asleep now, melting his heart further which he didn't know was possible), Hermann tore the sweater off and threw it in the garbage.

"Fuck, dude."

"Newton! Language!" His whole body was thrumming, burning with the realization that he'd been a terrible husband and wholly undeserving of Vanessa's patience and understanding, and it was certainly no wonder why people disliked him when he rebuffed their attempts at kindness.

Blue. Blue was the color of the drift. The color of the kaiju. An image of himself, bright blue, looking like a monster, melting around the edges and fading into nothingness as the crackling of his brain slowed. And Newton, looking more horrifying than anything in his imagination, but still a burning beacon he couldn't ignore, all the while that sweater...

 

_Jesus fuck what the hell don't die I'm sorry I didn't mean it_

Reality returned, something like frying an egg: everything mushy and runny in the middle even as the edges started to firm up and become solid.

A cold, wet cloth being wiped down his cheek. A warm hand against his forehead. The gentle hiccuping sound of Leon wanting to be changed. The creak of the floor as Newton shifted from foot to foot with worry. The awful churning in his stomach.

Without opening his eyes, Hermann sat up slowly. "I saw myself as a monster. Something ugly and horrible, a thing to be reviled, and I haven't been a very good person, and I don't deserve your sympathy." That was what he wanted to say. Instead, he threw up on the blanket covering his legs.

"Got it!" Newton declared with a level of enthusiasm that was disturbing, and stripped the blanket away. Off to the wash, no doubt.

"Hermann?"

The cloth was pressed into his hand, and he wiped his mouth, entire body shaking. "I'm fine. Just... let me compose myself. Take care of Leon." He didn't mean to be dismissive, didn't want to hurt Vanessa's feelings. Thinking about it was making his throat close up though, and he clawed desperately at his shirt, buttoned up to the top, to open it.

It was what he'd look like when he was dead, he was sure. When he was in the ground for a while, and his skin started to slough off, slide off the bone and liquefy at the bottom of his coffin. An impermanent personification of terror that needed to be destroyed.

A hand on the back of his neck. _Stop chasing it. It doesn't mean shit._

Their connection was tenuous, hard to manage, but Hermann needed it more than anything at the moment. He pushed, forced his thoughts through even though they were utter gibberish, and how could Newton's be so clear to him?

_Not the drift._

That night, after the presentation. He thought it had been because of the drift, just made the assumption, but-

_Come with me._

A cavern, all shining purple rocks, like amethysts, lining the walls a hundred feet high, and crisp, cold air that made his breath show but didn't chill him at all. And there was Newton, standing on the opposite side of a large lake, made of sapphire and diamond. Even at distance, Newton looked taller to him, though that was the only difference.

When he spoke, it was an echo. _The hive mind._

But Newton doesn't want to share in his discovery. _Don't chase the rabbit, dude. The drift is a trap._

Pilots drifted. There was no trap.

_They didn't drift with a kaiju. Here is where we have power._

It rang a bell of truth, however distant. The drift was kind of uncontrolled chaos in his head, a mixing of memories and thoughts in a way that didn't make any sense.

_This is all us. Top to bottom. Nothing can touch you here if you won't let it._

Hermann looked down into the perfectly smooth surface of the gemmed lake. His reflection was as he'd always seen it: flawed, but human. Alive. Relief rippled through him, through the cavern itself, making the amethyst shards in the ceiling twinkle like stars. He could see Newton smile, and his relief flowed back in return.

And he's sitting on the couch with Newton kneeling next to him, hand still on his neck, and everything was fine.

"Man, you really didn't like that sweater," Newton said with a shaky laugh.

"I suppose not."

***

Breakfast in bed was the order for the morning. Vanessa deserved it.

"You didn't have to do that."

"I did. Last night, I was..." Hermann sighed, unable to put into words the experience and the dread knowing he'd hurt her.

"It's fine."

"It's not fine."

"OK. It wasn't fine, but I understand."

Hermann sat on the edge of bed and took Leon from her so she could eat. "You don't deserve this. All of this chaos." In his arms, his son blinked sleepily at him.

And Vanessa would never be deterred. "Neither do you. So we'll just have to manage it, won't we?"

It hurt. It physically hurt to be unable to let her in. She should have been there, not Newton, to share everything with him at the deepest level imaginable. And if they'd ever been given the chance, not that either one of them would have been pilots, he knew they were drift compatible, had been from the very start.

"Hermann. Don't shut me out, no matter how afraid you are. I love you."

It took all his strength to not sob even though it was with relief.

***

Newt gave them a wide berth for the next few days. For nine weeks, he'd been in their lives every single day, and it was finally Hermann's episode that made him realize he needed to back off. Never married, not even a long-term relationship, certainly no kids (that he knew of), Newt hadn't considered how difficult the situation was until he'd seen Hermann in a state of what could only be described as completely broken down.

The couple silently accepted this separation, never mentioning it during conversation at meals, or asking why Newt was in the basement so much with his guitar. Hermann didn't ask why he went to work each of those days and stayed later, only coming back just in time to sit for dinner before heading to his room or the basement.

It ached as surely as Hermann's leg did when the weather changed.

That was why it pierced Newt's gut so thoroughly the first time Hermann fucked with him. They'd found peace with their arrangement, their group, what Newt called his family, and to have this kind of thing thrown in his face... Newt had never really gotten angry. Mad lots of times, but his anger was something special, something all its own. Mad was lots of shouting and name-calling; anger was silent, white-hot seething.

He was in bed seething, too angry to even do anything about the insult. The connection was thrown open so wide, he could feel it all.

Hands that weren't his (too thin, fingers too long) running down warm flesh, impossibly perfect. Kisses on the neck (no stubble) and hands in his hair (too short). Newt swore under his breath and pulled his rapidly hardening cock out of his shorts as he experienced sex with the woman he (Hermann) loved for the first time ever.

Bitter tears escaped as he came over his fist, and he screamed in his head, _FUCK YOU!_

 

The next morning he refused to look at Hermann. Really, he wanted nothing more than to stay in his room all day and not see anyone, but he did have to go into work and do some administrative bullshit. With his helmet under his arm, he was about to walk out the door, ignoring everyone else, when that damned cane blocked his way.

"We need to talk."

"No, we don't. I don't know what game you're playing, dude, but I am just... I can't do it, man." Newt looked at Hermann, suddenly expressing all the hurt that had been blocked by the anger. "How could you do that to me?"

"And that's why we need to talk." Hermann was stone-faced as ever, probably more so than he'd been in the last year. "Please."

It was the subtle pleading in the man's voice that convinced Newt to hear him out. "Fine. Talk fast, man, and make it convincing." He crossed his arms, not bothering to set his helmet down.

Without his usual decorum of asking permission, Hermann hooked Newt's arm and pulled him toward the back stairs. He didn't go so far as to drag Newt upstairs, but just inside the stairwell where he could close the door. Before he had a chance to say anything, Newt struck first.

"She doesn't know. She doesn't know you did that, does she, you sick fucker!"

Hermann's hand on his arm was like a vice. "She very well knew. I would never betray her like that!"

Now Newt was simply confused by it all. "So you planned all this. Why? Is this some kind of hint to get the hell out? That I'm not wanted anymore? You could have just said it to my face!"

Stoic, placid, pale as ever, Hermann's face revealed nothing openly. "We talked. I'm tired of hiding things, Newton. We all know there's no going back, no reversing this. We're both jumbled together, thoughts, emotions, and desires. You have no one, but you have us."

Something cracked, cracked and disintegrated in the walls Newt had very carefully built to spare Hermann from all the personal troubles he had to deal with in himself. For a brief moment, his knees wobbled and he thought he might collapse, but Hermann's hand was still on his arm, still holding on to him.

"Why did you hold so much back?"

Hermann's face was right in his own, close enough to kiss if he'd been inclined. "Because it's my burden. You have other things to worry about to not have my shit piled on top of it."

"How soon you've forgotten, or you simply never believed the words."

"What words?"

_"Share the neural load."_

Newt took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "Hermann, I-"

"You're so stupid! Newton!" His hand that was not holding on to Newt abandoned the cane and slid across the nape of Newt's neck. He leaned in to bring their foreheads together. "We are inseparable now. You're not alone; you don't have to carry it all by yourself. Open up, all the way."

 

Vanessa stared, vaguely horrified as she watched Hermann drag Newt down the hallway. She waited, her hands going through the motions of cleaning the dishes. Never before had she seen so much blood on either of the men. Something clicked into place. A quick glance to make sure Leon was still asleep, and she went into action. There wasn't much she could really do except offer comfort, so she got dishtowels and drenched them in cold water. When she entered Newt's room, she pushed one of the cloths into Hermann's hand. "What happened?"

Dabbing gently at the blood trickling from his nose, Hermann stepped away from the bed so Vanessa could attend to the unconscious Newt. "I convinced him to let me help. He was holding back more than I thought possible."

 

Newt was used to the familiar presence of Hermann in his head. Or maybe he'd just gotten so used to it that the idea of not having him there was like being half a person. Either way, when he woke up, he was blanketed, in body and mind, with warmth. The room was dark, the house was quiet, and he was comfortable, satiated almost.

Under the blankets and sheet, he noticed he was stripped down to his shorts, and he was half concerned and half embarrassed over the fact. What a damned problem he'd turned into. Some rockstar, being put to bed like a child.

But.

_But._

He felt light, free in a way he couldn't remember experiencing since he'd been a kid. His mind was already working again, ideas firing off almost too fast for him to consider. And the answer was so blindingly obvious, Newt didn't feel he deserved to experience it.

The gates had been thrown open, he wasn't working on hiding things any longer (like a constant game of mental hide and seek or tag), finally he was unchained from that effort and worry. They could be so dangerous together-

He'd been dangerous at one time, ready to destroy every pathetic human construct in his vast gaze.

_Pen is mightier than the sword, my sad little kaiju. Just go back into your little mental hole and let the superior species get back to work._

Newt grinned into the darkness of the room. Sharing the load didn't mean just dumping half his mental deficiencies on Hermann; it meant drawing strength from a reserve pool when he needed it. To hook on to another's confidence, their peace, to help put his own monsters back down when-

_Would you shut up? It's late, and I need to be up early._

It was like Hermann was in the room with him, his voice came across so clearly, slurred by sleep even. Fighting their complete connection had denied such clarity before, having to push into the hive mind and then concentrate to get-

_Newton!_

Relief and affection rolled across him, blanketed his mind like a powdery snow, muting his thoughts like a January day in the woods. Newt's eyes drifted shut, his grin slowly fading into a smile. _Sorry, Hermann. Thought you woulda liked me to dwell on how much of an idiot I've been._

Clear and powerful, effortless, his voice echoing out into the space they shared. Newt waited, but didn't receive a reply, just another layer of snow that brought with it impressions of memories, not even true memories, which was something of a new development.

But he'd consider that in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize the sweater was plaid and not argyle, but it was more representative than factual to Hermann. I also realize the only concrete reference to time, other than the baby's birth is here: it has been nine weeks since Newt arrived. Seven since Leon was born. There is no specific significance to this other than a generic passage of time.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Escalation of the best kind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've changed the pairings/warnings in light of some of what I've just written today. Not in this part, but in the future.

"Good morning, Newt."

"'Morning, Vanessa."

Hermann set down the paper and was immediately appalled. "Is this what we've come to now? Everyone galavanting around in their underwear?" It was exasperation more than anything that he put out, but that's how it was with Newton so often, it'd become habit.

There was still a faint smear of blood under the man's nose, visible in the bright morning sunshine, as he sat at the table. "And how is Leon this morning, just waiting for the moment he can eat solid food?" Newton asked the child in the swing next to him. He received a wide, toothless smile in return. He leaned across the table suddenly. "Hey, Hermann, I have to talk to you about something. Something I felt last night when I woke up."

"It will have to wait. I have meetings I can't avoid today."

"Oh right, sure, yeah, later."

As infectious as Newton's excitement could be, truly Hermann could not miss this day. It was always about funding, always having to defend his work and his worth to the university. He'd taken a chance on Heidelberg when there were other offers better than theirs, and it was a struggle now to get them to _understand_. He realized, suddenly, Newton was staring at him. Coughing, Hermann folded his paper.

"Would it help if I-"

"No, Newton. This is simply the usual yearly event. They eventually relent when they realize I won't back down. Most others in my position would; I would have before. So you see, Newton, you've already done enough." It was an odd gesture between two grown men, but Hermann reached over and patted Newton's hand. "When I get home, we'll talk."

 

Newt was very restless after Hermann had gone, just had too much going on in his head to sit still.The other night wasn't forgotten at all, but it was obvious it hadn't been done out of spite or malice. Beyond that, he didn't want to make guesses. They called him stupid, unscientific, and crazy, but he didn't work on guesses. And no matter the connection between himself and Hermann, he wouldn't go rummaging around looking for the answer; that would be the worst kind of violation of their drift/hive mind.

"Newt?"

"What?"

Vanessa was looking at him with open concern on her pretty features. "Are you all right?"

It was true, looking at her, he could read those little signs that Hermann knew so well. She had known all about it, had given permission. The conversation later would be very interesting, but for the time being... "Yeah, yeah. I just need to get out, burn off some energy. Unless you need help or something."

"No, we're fine here." But she put a bowl of oatmeal in front of him anyway, not so subtly encouraging him to eat. For the briefest moment, her eyes slid lower, looking at the rest of the tattoos on his chest.

Man, fuck Hermann's emotions. It was the most erotic thing to know she was actually checking him out, however briefly. _I'm sorry, Hermann._ Before his thoughts could spiral out of control, Newt added a little honey and maple to the oatmeal, indulging in the things he hadn't been able to get while working for the PPDC, and wolfed it down. "Don't follow my example, kid," he said to Leon. "Eat slow, chew your food. When you get some teeth." That smile again had Newt leaning over to tickle the boy.

But he needed to get out of the house, so left his bowl on the table and retreated to his room. He suspected Vanessa understood there was something significant he needed to deal with anyway. _Of course. She was right in the middle of it._

 

_...home..._

_coming home..._

_Are you coming home?_

Newt woke up slowly with "home" in Hermann's voice floating in his head. An odd flash, a single frame of something he couldn't interpret appeared and then disappeared as his physical eyes adjusted to the afternoon sunlight winking at him through the trees overhead. Here was another thing he needed to talk to Hermann about.

It didn't worry him, whatever these things were. They fascinated him, because as far as Newt could tell, there was no true substance behind them. Memories, feelings, directed thoughts, those all made sense. Odd thoughts, the subconscious putting unspoken or unrecognized things together and broadcasting them, that was unheard of for people that had drifted together. This was unique to them.

He'd fallen asleep in the park, staring up at the trees waving lazily at him in the wind. He hadn't needed to burn off energy so much as get away, just for a little bit. Sometimes there was a pressure that built up in the house, and while it usually vented with a simple meal eaten in peace, other times he could practically feel his body and mind being squeezed breathless. Considering everything that had happened in the span of two days, it wasn't much of a surprise Newt needed to get out.

It had been less than two hours anyway, just enough time to decompress. He'd skipped lunch, but was too early for dinner still. _I'll be back in a little bit._

_Vanessa was worried._

That was the punch to the gut that always got Newt, and Hermann damn well knew it. _I'm fine. I just had to get out. Quit guilt tripping me._

Instead of the triumphant crowing he usually felt in response, things were quiet. This was a conversation they really needed to have. Like, instantly. Newt didn't wait a second more, stumbling down the grass incline to where he'd left his bike. He popped his helmet on, not bothering to put the strap in place (knowing he'd hear about it later), and was off before he could get himself more worked up with anticipation.

 

As soon as he was in the door, Hermann grabbed his arm and took him down to the basement. This conversation was taking place. The hive mind would be wiped clean.

"That is kind of a gross picture, dude. I just imagine this-"

"I know what you imagine, but this isn't about imaginings. This is about the other night." Having a conversation like this was something like docking and mooring a boat: everything had to be tied down, locked into place on _this_ conversation or things would slowly slide away from them. It had happened many times before, but never during a discussion Hermann deemed so important.

It was roughly the single percentage of Newton's waking life that he was serious, as he sat on the padded stool and pushed his glasses up. It didn't stop Hermann from getting in his face though, ready to be _truly_ serious.

"This isn't a game, Newton. Do you really think we'd do something so cruel?" It hurt, more than Hermann could have ever anticipated, that someone who knew him so completely would think such a thing.

"I don't know. I just... It was a lot of stress, OK? And I know it was dumb, to try to hide so much, but you just don't know. You _can't_ know what it's like, because you have Vanessa, and all I have are ghosts. Ghosts of feelings, of people, of memories, and what am I supposed to do with all that?" Newton looked up, the large glasses making him look younger than he was. "I'm lonely, the way a normal person gets lonely."

Hermann was unsure of what to say exactly, so said the smallest thing on his mind. "Vanessa's very fond of you."

"She was ogling me at breakfast."

With an arched eyebrow, Hermann asked, "Is that only the first time you've noticed?"

Newton's eyes went wide. "You're saying it's not? Dude, I don't want to get into the middle of your marriage. That was never-"

"We're asking you to. I know the feelings aren't quite yours, but they could have been under different circumstances. It could be you in love with her and I would be on the outside, but we'd still be here, having this conversation." Frowning slightly, a small shrug of unhappiness at how imprecise words were in comparison to numbers, Hermann shook his head. "Newton, you _know_ everything I'm going to say. You know it's all true. I know all your fears, and I can say this: they don't matter. We might as well be one person, struggling to keep separate identities in the face of loneliness. I'm tired of being separate. It takes too much work."

His hand slid over Newton's shoulder, and for some reason Hermann really wanted to run it through the mess that was his friend's hair.

"What the fuck, dude!" Newton snapped and stood suddenly. "See, this is what I wanted to talk about. It's going further, beyond memories and thoughts. I think I'm interpreting your thoughts as my own ideas, or just getting your unrealized ideas and turning them into my own. I don't know, but it's something more."

"Stop doing your science, Newton! Are you listening to me at all?"

That startled him into silence, making him go wide-eyed. "Did you just tell me to stop doing science?"

"Yes!" His hand slid from shoulder to the side of Newton's neck, an impossibly intimate touch for Hermann to use with anyone other than Vanessa. "Listen to me, please, Newton. The other night was not a joke, not a prank. We talked, and decided that it was time to... adapt. Together." His grip tightened, reflected by the oddly frightened look on Newton's face. "We'll have to learn, all three of us, of course, but..."

Nothing, no response at all, not even anything across the drift. "Newton, say something. Think something." _Feel something._

"Why?"

"And I was supposed to be the stubborn one. I tried to explain earlier, but apparently you didn't listen then either. Do you want me to get Vanessa? Do you need to hear it from her?"

"I don't... understand."

And it was true, there was only confusion tinted with fear pulsing from Newton like a beacon.

At his wits end, Hermann pulled Newton to his feet with his hand still on his neck. "Think about it."

 

Dinner ended up being a quiet affair other than Leon who had learned how much fun making as much noise as possible was. Newt hardly tasted the food though, remained silent entirely, and was not addressed until everyone was finished.

"Hermann, please take care of Leon. Newt, help me with the dishes."

Neither man disobeyed, just silently carried out their instructions.

Newt was at the sink, rinsing the dishes to be put in the washer, when Hermann finished cleaning up after Leon and spirited the baby back to his room.

"He'll know," Vanessa said quietly. She had abandoned clearing off the rest of the table. "He'll know absolutely everything I say and do right now." Her hands, small and warm, settled on Newt's back with her fingertips almost resting on his shoulders. "But this is what you wanted, isn't it? Confirmation. Absolution. Permission."

With his body as tense as a board, Newt bowed his head.

"Because you have it. You have all of it. I'm saying it, aloud. No drift, no memories. I'm telling you." Vanessa's hands slid from his back around to his front, just embracing him for a moment. But then they started to undo the buttons of his shirt. "I want to see them," she said as his hands started to move to intercept her own.

"I can't. Not here." His voice was so small, nothing at all like him, tiny and powerless.

But she didn't judge, didn't question him. Her hand took hold of his, and she led him down the hall. "Here?" she asked quietly, her hand on the door to her and Hermann's room.

Newt shook his head, unable to stop staring into her eyes.

"Here then." And without waiting for the affirmation, she opened Newt's door and entered it. The lights were out and the shades drawn. It wasn't dark, but the orange light of the setting sun was fading fast. "Will you let me see?"

The sound of Newt swallowing was loud in the room. "Hermann will-"

"He knows. And he already knows what this all looks like; I don't. I want to see, Newt. Will you show me?"

A faint whisper in the back of his mind, just at the edge of the hive mind, echoing through it: _show her._

All those times he'd thought Hermann had been too sensitive about their connection, snapping at him over shit he couldn't control, well now Newt had something of a different perspective on things. He clenched his hand into a fist long enough to get the trembling under control, then began to unbutton his shirt. _I hope you know what you're doing, Hermann._

 

Newt watched with heavy eyelids as Vanessa gathered her clothes. Satisfied, but oddly melancholy, he sighed. Christ, he was bursting with conflicting emotions and didn't know how to express any of them in a coherent manner. He settled for saying, "I love you," under his breath.

Whether she heard him or not, Vanessa turned and kneeled on the bed. "Sleep well, Newt."

This would be the brush off. He'd had his chance, and now he should just be happy about it, but forget anything else. A motherly kiss on the forehead, and the next morning she'd be wearing an apron and friendly smile that didn't quite reach her eyes as she handed him a cup of tea.

Her lips captured his aggressively, her fingers twining in his hair. She pulled his head back enough to pull them apart, then gave him one last soft kiss that ended with her sucking on his lower lip.

When she left, Newt just lay there, stunned and a little confused, until sleep claimed him.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newt and Vanessa... "discuss" things.

The real question became apparent to everyone in the house (except Leon, who just liked to smile at everyone): would the tables ever turn?

"You know you can ask me for anything, anytime, dude. I gotta tell ya though, I think I'm done _done_ with the university."

Hermann looked disappointed, but unsurprised. "You say that as if I haven't been fielding endless questions regarding your whereabouts."

"Ah, yeah, sorry about that. I've just been... It's been hard to get my head in the right place for everything." He'd finally come to an important realization. "I think I want to get back into music. Work on my own schedule."

"Work? Really?"

Newt had been hesitant to admit it at first, but the utter dryness of Hermann's reply eased his worry when it should have done the exact opposite. "Well, I guess it's not exactly work, but it's something, right? Maybe next fall I'll do the teaching thing again. That's easy, makes me look all respectable and shit."

Then the bomb dropped. "Vanessa thinks you're upset."

"I am!" Newt retaliated sharply, then quieted, his entire demeanor becoming pensieve. "I mean, I'm not upset with her. I couldn't ever be upset with her. I'm just confused, and I'm upset because I'm confused. Hermann, I have been confused for like a week now, and I just don't even know what to think. "

Hermann's face turned red and the tendons in his neck stood out. "You are impossible! How can you be confused? You are an idiot, Geiszler! Come with me." His hand locked on Newton's wrist, and he shuffled toward the bedroom as quickly as possible. "Vanessa!"

"Whoa, what are you doing, dude?" Hermann's hand was like a vice, his long fingers easily encircling Newt's wrist. For a skinny guy, he was a lot stronger than he looked. "Come on, I don't know what you want, but you don't need to involve Vanessa. Jesus."

Suddenly Hermann turned and was right in his face. "You're telling me you don't love her? Because I don't believe it. And seeing her as a sister, maybe that was true before, but it's not now, is it?"

Seeing Hermann _this_ angry was actually kind of frightening, and Newt stuttered out his response (and knew how inadequate it immediately was): "I don't want to get between you two."

"You don't need to be concerned about that, because I have no interest in your bony little hips. Now, before you make my leg hurt even more than it already is, please treat Vanessa well." With a tug and shove, he sent Newt stumbling into the bedroom.

It was actually the first time in their bedroom, though he knew it like he lived in it from Hermann, all the decorations, what he'd find in each and every drawer, the way the clothes were arranged in the closet. He wasn't given much time to consider more than the neatly made bed, though, before Vanessa came in behind him.

She hadn't begun dressing as Newt feared she would, to drive distance between them, to enforce her image as the mother figure. Nothing about her changed outwardly, but there was a sadness in her eyes, and it was his fault.

"Newt, I thought... Hermann said you-"

"Is there a problem between you two? Am I just an easy way for you to get off while he isn't interested? I'm just some kind of sexual band-aid. A very effective one, I should say, but still just a temporary fix."

"No, not at all! Newt, please don't be upset. He was angry when I told him, at first, but I don't think he really meant it. It was just habit. I hope you don't get mad when I say that you're starting to... be like one another." She quietly shut the door. "I've watched you both, watched you change. Never in a bad way. You're two ends of a spectrum, two extremes, and you're slowly coming together in the middle." Her voice got very quiet, as if her next words were a point of shame. "The more you become like him, the more I'm attracted to you. I liked you before, but I'm only human, Newt, one of my tragic faults that Hermann loves me in spite of."

It was, above everything else, the pleading in her voice that made his heart race. At first he didn't know why, but something like the memories of the drift flashed in his head, but golden, not blue. Dreams or wishes? Things unrealized, wants and secrets he couldn't voice to Vanessa. Was it his desire or Hermann's? Was there a difference any longer? He just wanted to undress her and _ruin_ the bed with her.

"Newt?"

This time, he didn't hesitate. He stood in front of her, dug his fingers into her hair, and pulled her in for a kiss.

 

The blankets were mussed, but other than that, the bed was fine. Vanessa's face was blurred without his glasses, but Newt looked at her anyway. "I remember it," he said, "but I'd rather hear it from your perspective because it's all numbers and theorems in Hermann's memory: how did you guys meet?"

That got her to smile; her recollection of it was as pleasant as Hermann's apparently. "Tutoring. Math was never my strong suit, and he was tutoring to make extra money. Let me tell you a secret, though I suppose you already know it: chemistry, for all the math it requires, is not his strong suit."

It was true, that he did know that, but never would have assigned any real significance to it.

"I was a bit of a fish out of water. Even though it was my second year, I hadn't really acclimated to the area, or German. I should have gone home, written Germany off as a good adventure but not for me, but I wasn't going to give up. He switched between German and English effortlessly, and it was just a perfect match."

Newt shivered as her fingers passed lightly across his right nipple.

"I asked him out, if only to have someone I could speak English with that could still teach me German. He was also an excellent study partner, got me through chemistry after all. It sounds so shallow and silly on the re-telling, but it was the best time I had since I started university."

_chemistry foreign language history zoology psychology English_

"Foreign language and psychology?" he asked, sifting the memories out to discover those as her double major.

Vanessa smiled widely. "German was not my foreign language. Psychology was interesting and easy enough. The other things just kind of fell into place as I took classes that interested me. I love learning new things." Ducking her head in, she kissed along his collarbone. "Can you teach me anything, Newt?"

Thoughts and words were stolen from him as her lips tracked down his chest, across the plane of colorful kaiju that decorated his flesh.

"Or maybe I'll teach you something."

His cock twitched in eager expectation as her hands and hair tickled his ribs. The door opened, but Newt didn't open his eyes, knew who it was anyway. Any other circumstance, he might be terrified, but there was a wave of confidence that filled him, and an odd spike of want that he didn't quite understand. "F-fuck," he gasped as Vanessa's hands held down his hips and her mouth engulfed him.

Newt had his card punched when he was 22, a little late some might say, but he'd been too busy being too smart to pick up college girls, and his band had been too bad to gather any kind of female following. But it had happened, and the woman had called him "cute" and "adorable"  the entire time, giving his ego a serious kick in the balls.

In all the years in between, he'd never had an experience that got anywhere near what he was feeling. The moan tore itself free from the back of his throat, and he felt a double pulse throb of need rip through him. He knew it was Hermann there, lurking in the back of his head, but that didn't make the feeling any less intense. And if he concentrated too much on what belonged to who, got too analytical, Newt started to lose the thread of the feelings themselves.

With his breathing growing quicker and more shallow, he clutched the sheets and arched as best he could into the contact, abandoning all his doubts and questions finally.

 

"You two talked about this then."

"Of course." Her tone was sharp, like he was asking really stupid questions about basic things.

Maybe he was. But she was still there, next to him in the bed. "Yeah, a dumb question, but you gotta see how weird this is from my perspective. You two are married!"

Vanessa smiled, an indulgent thing that he melted into. "You want to talk about this now? You won't get too distracted?"

He might, the way her hand ran slowly down his chest to his stomach. But it had to be done, he had to know, and be sure. "Yeah, I do. Want to talk. We can get distracted later. And you purposefully distracted me. Don't tell me Hermann would just go on scribbling on his chalkboard if you got down and started blowing him."

The room was filled with her light laughter, and while Newt knew perfectly well why he/Hermann loved her, this was certainly another point in her favor.

"OK, a talk. How much should I skip?"

"I just want to hear you say it, because this is really screwing me up. I would rather be alone than be what splits you guys up." Newt grabbed hold of her hand and brought it to his lips to kiss, an action he wasn't even aware the source of, but felt natural and right.

With the lightest touch, Vaness ran her thumb across his lower lip. "Hermann told me that the situation was not likely to change, and he believed the two of you would probably drift closer the more time went on." Fingertips ghosted across his cheekbone to follow his jawline to his chin. "And that you would most likely never be able to live very far apart. When he first got home, I thought he was dying..."

Newt's heart broke a little at her confession. It had certainly felt something like dying slowly, losing control of his body with his mind following.

"He told me he tried to separate himself from you, keep all your thoughts and feelings and memories separate, but it was too much. You're not _drifting_ together; you're being forced. So if he let it all go, you would know everything about me. Everything. We had to come to a decision about what that would mean."

"And it meant...?"

"We could either pretend this was all a normal situation, or we'd do this." She kissed him softly. "I saw the changes long before we talked about it. He talked about individuality and duality, being one person and both at the time. I decided that if Hermann was all right with it, then I was too. There's room for you here, Newt. There always will be."

Newt's eyes narrowed suddenly with realization. "Wait. The more I became like Hermann is when you got attracted to me? There is something backwards about that."

But she laughed and slapped his thigh. "How much trouble does that mouth get you into?"

"Plenty. Sometimes it's not the good kind either."

 

Hermann was reading the paper, with Leon napping in his swing, when Newt came into the room. "You came to an understanding then?" he asked without looking up.

"Twice."

"Don't sound so pleased with yourself. I practically had to force you."

Newt dropped in the chair across from him and propped his feet up on the coffee table. "It was the only way I would have ever thought of doing that, dude. The _only_ way. You know that, right?"

"I do, which is why I did it. So." He made a big show of folding the paper back up even though it was a scant eight pages. "This is something we can work with now? No jealousy or hurt feelings?"

"I can. Can you?"

"When I accept that it sometimes feel like there's no difference between us, that I'm in the wrong body and my thoughts don't match my memories, yes."

Newt nodded, relaxing where he hadn't even realized he was tense. "You'll know you're in bad shape when you leave your top button undone."

"If I _ever_ get the urge to get a tattoo and you don't stop me, you will regret the consequences. And you, you could do with picking up more of my habits."

"Your constant chalk-using, if that makes my fingers get all crampy so I can't play the guitar, dude, no. Just no."

They eyed one another before Hermann put his hand out. "Fair enough."

"'Fortune favors the fair' sounds really lame and completely wrong." But as he shook Hermann's hand, Newt was perfectly aware that fortune had already tapped him on the shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Newt does not have bony little hips, I am sure of.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann would chalk it up to the drugs any other time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kept this pretty firmly in the mature area, avoiding going into explicit territory. If you pay very close attention, some of the positioning may seem off, but that's because I kept swapping Hermann's hurt side and didn't quite catch every flip-flop. It shouldn't be story-breaking. (If you find that it is story-breaking, I advise removing your right/left-handed cane from your butt.)

"Hey, Hermann?"

"Come in, Newton."

The bathroom door opened slowly, and the man in question carefully ducked his head through. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"It's fine. What do you want?" The weather had turned, and his leg had been extra achy, hence his retreat to the bath.

Newton looked at him, winced a little when he noted Hermann in the tub and presumedly naked. "I can come back."

A roll of his eyes and a shrug, Hermann waved him in. "What is it you want? And I never thought you'd be so shy about nudity."

Newton's neck turned positively scarlet as he looked everywhere except the tub. "I'm not."

Truth was, with the jets going, there was nothing visible except swirling water anyway. "You're not. I'll keep that in mind. Now what did you want?"

Jerking his thumb to point behind him, Newt said, "Vanessa wanted me to go to the store, said I should ask if there was anything you wanted."

"Is there ice cream left, or did you eat it all?"

"You want... what?"

"Ice cream, nitwit. I want some ice cream, and you can't keep your paws off of it long enough for me to get any. So, ice cream. I want it. Now." _One indulgence, and it's like talking to a brick wall. How hard is it to get ice cream, one bloody bowl?_

Newton stared at him for a long moment before asking, abashed, "What flavor?"

The answer came with more venom than Hermann intended, but his leg was _really_ hurting. "Just get your favorite. You're going to eat it all anyway. And shave. You look homeless."

Rearing back, just a little from surprise rather offense, Newton nodded. He was gone before Hermann could say anything more.

 

He fumbled with the bottle, almost dropping it in the water, before he finally got it open. Ever mindful of what the doctor had told him, he took only one of the pills, though taking two and simply falling unconscious until morning sounded like a much better plan. He'd been adjusting the water temperature, warmer and colder, for the last thirty minutes, jets on and off, and nothing was helping. Whatever was going on with the weather was something major; rarely had the pain in his leg and hip been so stubborn.

The pills were strong, and it didn't take long at all before Hermann could feel the warm tingling in his fingertips indicating they were starting to take effect. When his hip and leg and knee hurt as much as they currently did, that feeling was the most welcome in the world. The pain just floated away, leaving him warm and comfortable and sleepy all over.

Hermann remained floating in his head and the water until the jets turned off automatically. His leg still hurt, but it was a distant thing, disconnected from his physical self. It took a little effort, but he removed himself from the tub, slipped on his robe and limped to the bed. Settling on the bed brought a soft sigh of relief from him.

"Dinner?"

He hadn't even noticed Vanessa come in. "Maybe later."

She disappeared, if she'd even been there in the first place, and there was only silence again.

It was pleasant, that dream-like state where nothing seemed to matter, especially not the pain or his growling stomach, and Hermann reveled in it for the short time it would last. Maybe only an hour, in this state of near-delirium, and then he'd come back to Earth but with the pain still in the distance.

Again, though he didn't notice, Vanessa came in and was on the bed next to him. Maybe it had been minutes since the last time, or hours or days (not days, that was silly). She didn't speak, didn't have to. Her hands, as they settled on his leg, were a revelation all on their own. As he gradually returned to his head, Hermann could better appreciate how skilled they were.

The massage was probably more mental than anything, but that was enough after having to suffer previous bouts of crippling pain alone in the cold steel constructs of the shatterdome. Her touch was experienced and confident as she worked from his hip down to his knee, using the flat of her hands to relax him further.

Hermann made soft sounds of pleasure as she did so, only opening his eyes when the bedroom door opened.

"Leon's down. Wasn't quite asleep, but I set the timer on the mobile. Is he OK?"

"He'll be fine. It happens sometimes."

"Is this OK?"

"Sure."

Newton appeared at his bedside. "Got your favorite," he said and handed him a bowl of ice cream. He then went and stretched out on the bed with his own bowl, on the other side of Vanessa.

It was a testament to his wife's skill that Hermann glared and said nothing, but did note that the man had shaved at least. Her skill and the ice cream. It was possibly the most awkward position he'd ever been in, but not in exactly a terrible way, tempered by those things. The bed just wasn't big enough for the three of them, and Newton would get ice cream on the quilt because he was messy like that.

"You gonna eat that or just let it melt? After I went and got it for you and everything."

Hermann opened his eyes, realized he'd not touched the ice cream and had been very near sleep. The gesture held more appeal to him in the moment than the ice cream itself.

"Hermann." Vanessa looked at him expectantly, her eyes bright and her hands still moving rhythmically down his leg.

With a tight smile, knowing Newton was watching them, he gathered a spoonful of ice cream and fed it to her. It continued on this way, with her looking up at him, until his bowl was empty and there was a fire curling in the pit of his stomach as she licked her lips.

"You took a pill."

Yes, he had taken a pill to deal with the pain, and no matter how consumed he was by that heat and fire in him, he wasn't going to get hard. These days always ended in disappointment on some level, though Vanessa never showed it. "I'm sorry." Failure and dissatisfaction, real or imagined it didn't matter, was all he could see as she looked at him.

"Hermann."

And he had totally forgotten about Newton right there next to them witnessing it.

"Hermann," Newton repeated. He had abandoned his bowl to the side table and was watching them with interest. He was attempting to remain casual in his posture, but the man was practically vibrating. "Can I fuck her?"

The question shocked him, the pure brazenness of it, but then that was Newton at his base. Vanessa's hands stilled, and when their eyes met, the answer became obvious. "I can't give you permission, Newton." But he didn't want to draw the moment out, make Newton suffer too much. "Ask her." Watching the man's eyes brighten released a surge of warmth through Hermann's chest. To not love Newton was to not love himself. What a bother.

"Vanessa, can I fuck you?"

Just hearing the words made Hermann's pulse pound in his abdomen, and under other circumstances would lead to him being as hard as granite. But not this time as he watched his wife glance at him, then look back at Newton and nod.

It was an odd position, but he wound his arms around Vanessa's body, sliding his hands up under her shirt, as Newton began to remove her jeans. The words came out of his mouth, but he could scarcely believe they were his: "Slowly, Newton."

The man looked at him, his hair in more disarray than usual, then sat up. He unbuttoned his shirt, removed it, and tossed it aside. Then he stripped off his white A-shirt, revealing all of his tattoos, the hours of pain he'd endured, the abuse he'd taken for them. He was nearly preening under their gaze.

"They're beautiful." Vanessa's right hand gripped Hermann's thigh as she leaned against him. "You're beautiful," she whispered.

Before Newton could resume his disrobing of Vanessa, Hermann lifted her shirt. She moved, made the room for him to pull it off over her head, and allow for him to unhook her bra as well. For a long moment, Newton stared, absorbed Vanessa's appearance, naked breasts revealed as she waited for him, and Hermann could feel it too, right down to the pounding of his pulse in his feet.

Hands, touching her for the first time, feeling warm perfect skin, her hand running across his scalp, through his hair, looking at him like there was no world in existence outside of the bedroom as he kissed her just above her bellybutton. Smelling her, tasting her as he shoved her textbooks off the bed, breast pliant and nipple stiff in his hand... The first and only woman he'd ever had sex with. The first and only woman he'd ever made love to.

Vanessa's fingers dug into his leg _hard_ , making Hermann snap his eyes open. His view was of the top of Newton's head down in the space between Vanessa's long legs, with his wife turning her face to him and biting her lower lip. She whimpered, but he felt it more than heard it, because his pulse was so loud in his ears it was the only thing he could hear.

He kissed her, more the corner of her mouth than anything, but she responded the best she could even as she panted heavily. Her fingers dug into his thigh again, then released immediately to find hold of his arm while her other hand took hold of Newton's hair.

Arching her upper body, thrusting her breasts into his hand, she gasped, then let loose with a tremulous moan that sent white hot bolts of desire firing through Hermann to every corner of his body except his treacherous cock.

Suddenly she was swearing quietly, first calling his name and then Newton's, and she was shuddering in his hold while her knuckles were white where she held on to Newton's hair,

She'd been holding back. For him, or Newton, or herself, Hermann didn't know, but he felt cheated by it. Cheated by his leg and the stupid pill. As Vanessa came back down to Earth, kissing him when she found she was within reach of him, Hermann held her firmly.

It was Newton that solved the problem, kissing and licking his way up her body, across her breasts, to kiss her deeply. When he pulled back, he looked at her directly in the eyes and said, "I want to ask you to marry me."

Hermann let out a loud snort and Vanessa laughed breathlessly. "Find your own proposal, Newton."

"What?"

One of the many things Hermann loved about Vanessa was her fearlessness. She lacked the same sense of shame that he did, had no problem standing up against Newton's crassness. She answered for the both of them, very simply, "Hermann ate me out and then asked me to marry him. I would have said yes even without the orgasm."

Newton sat back on his heels, putting his fists on his hips, and looked very impressed by the revelation. "What a gentleman."

"In place of a ring, at the time. I didn't mind."

"It was spur of the moment," Hermann insisted, though he was wearing a small and very pleased smile.

"Well," Newton said, visibly weighing the options, "I'd take oral over a ring too."

Vanessa, with the fingers of her left hand intertwining with Hermann's, smiled. "You already did."

"So I did. Huh." He shrugged. "Does that make us official?"

"Newt." Vanessa reached out with her right hand and hooked her fingers into the waistband of Newt's pants and pulled him forward. "Newt, stop talking and get undressed."

The amount of wriggling it took to get out of his pants was ridiculous, flopping on the bed, legs in the air, looking more like a comedy act than anything. Hermann wasn't sure that by the time Newton had undressed he'd have any energy to continue.

But once he kicked his pants off, Newt sat up with a disturbingly infectious grin on his face.

Tendrils reached down from the tattoos on his sides to his hips, just thin strands of color tying the two halves of his body together. Kaiju from his torso reaching down to connect with those on his legs in an oddly tasteful and beautiful display, made more vibrant across the pale skin of his thighs.

Again, the words came from somewhere outside himself when Hermann said, "Don't get anymore tattoos. Don't sully yourself with more of those things." After all, the kaiju were with them, always, now, so why do such a thing?

If Newton heard or cared, he made no remark to the fact. Though considering the state of Vanessa--naked and willing--there was a very good reason for it. Hermann grunted as Newton's weight added to Vanessa's across his arm, and he most definitely felt like the third wheel with his hand trapped between them. There was no easy way out of this one.

Then Newton braced himself with one hand on either side of Hermann's head because there was no other place to put his hands, because the silly fools hadn't thought that perhaps he didn't want to be used as a pillow.

"Get over it, dude," Newton said as he began to move. "Just start reciting pi or something, lie back and think of-"

Without thinking, Hermann's hand came up and slapped Newton across the head."Do not even think of repeating such trite rubbish at me."

"Ow! Hey! I'm trying to make love to the lady here! You can't just go hitting me like that! How rude!"

"You're not even paying any attention to her. Who's the rude one?"

"Neither one of you are paying any attention to me," Vanessa interjected. "So if you don't mind..." With a strength that didn't surprise Hermann at all, but obviously caught Newton unaware, she shoved him off her.

Newton was the persistent sort, though, and wouldn't let her get away so easily.

It was possibly the one thing Hermann couldn't do (he was sure there were others, but they'd never tried or discussed them): Newton grabbed Vanessa around the waist and pulled her to him so she was sitting astride him. The weight and pressure was too much for his hip the one time they'd attempted it, and to watch it happen now, with him utterly disengaged, was disheartening.

But Vanessa reached out to him, the only gesture he needed to take hold of her hand, in what anyone else would consider a bad position. Just watching another man have sex with his wife...

Hermann just looked at her and felt him, and it was exactly the kind of connection they'd hoped for. No real separate individuals in the moment, even while listening to Newton's ridiculous grunts of exertion, just the three/two of them the way they were meant to be.

It was a real mind fuck.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One doctor to another, this is bad news right when Newt was really looking forward to things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> e, your comment was duly noted, and I hope this goes a little way to addressing it. Poor woman needs a voice between these two, after all.
> 
> *gasp* I just realized! BECHDEL TEST FAILED! *boo hoo hoo* I don't care.

"Can I ask you something?" Newton was licking his previously-abandoned bowl of ice cream clean.

"You're in my bed naked. I watched you have sex with my wife. Why not?"

Newton smirked. "Mind telling me about your leg?"

"You know very well what happened." Hermann wasn't so much irritated by the question, but that only when activities were over did he get any sort of reaction from his stubborn groin.

"I do, but you also know it's more real if you tell me about it. Your memories are super weird." Newton glanced down where Hermann's erection was becoming more prominent within his robe. "Dude, I am not giving you a handjob or anything."

"I never asked for one! And from what I saw, I'd be terrified you'd rip it off in your enthusiasm."

" _My_ enthusiasm? You might've been sidelined a little there, but you were totally into it. You would have been completely OK with some DP if you could've gotten it up."

It struck a cord in Hermann, a small, shameful one. "I'm not talking about my leg," he said sourly. "And put your bloody clothes on."

Newton shrugged, but made no effort to move. "It's fine. I get how frustrating it must be. I mean, really, I do. Hey," he said, sitting up suddenly, "do you want some more ice cream? You never ate any of your last bowl."

Hermann's immediate thought was to say no, but he didn't let the word slip from his mouth. He thought it over briefly, how much better his leg felt, and said, "At least put your shorts on." Apparently he was going to have to be modest for all three of them now, because Newton didn't care much about his own. Hopefully Leon wouldn't pick up too many bad habits from his "Uncle Newt".

At least Newton did as requested, though his shorts were the only thing he put on. His hand was on the doorknob when he turned, a sheepish look on his face. "I wouldn't mind, you know, watching. Neither of us should be a third wheel, you know?"

Hermann wanted to throw something to hide his embarrassment. Why he was embarrassed, he wasn't quite sure. Maybe because Newton knew his insecurities and shame, his fear at dehumanizing Vanessa and driving her away with the whole situation. He'd been the stronger one before, and now Newton was trying to be his shoulder to lean on.

Embarrassing.

_It's just the pain talking. It's nothing to be afraid of. If Vanessa hasn't given up on all this by now, she won't just because of one bad day. Just relax, dude._

"Newton! Stop trying to talk in my voice!"

The thud of footsteps before the man in question opened the door. "Whaaat?"

"I heard you. I don't need a pep talk from you, and I don't need you imitating me to try and make me feel better." Hermann stared, willing Newton to melt into the carpet under his piercing gaze.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I know better than to try and give you a pep talk, man. Last time I tried, you took a swing at me and broke my glasses. That cane is a dangerous weapon."

"That... wasn't you?"

"Nope. Do you still want the ice cream?"

Subdued, Hermann replied, "Yes, please." His voice, Newton's words. It shouldn't have been a surprise, but every little facet of their connection that cropped up managed to surprise him. This was something that would take some serious getting used to. When Newton returned with said ice cream, Hermann thanked him quietly. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"No problem, man. I get those thoughts too sometimes, but I know you wouldn't ask me if I'm really taking good enough care of my guitar." He smiled, still just dressed in his boxer-briefs, completely unconcerned, and Hermann couldn't help but be a little jealous. "D'you want anything else?"

"No, thank you."

Newton began whistling as he walked out of the bedroom and shut the door.

Hermann felt like a grade A jackass.

_At least it's grade A._

With a resigned sigh, Hermann started to eat his ice cream.

***

As stimulating as the discovery had been that they were three very compatible people (or that Vanessa was very willingly compatible with the two of them), as much as there was a rush to explore this aspect of the connection (no matter how much Hermann protested), it simply wasn't feasible to spend every night, for hours, treating Vanessa like a sexual queen.

Hermann had work. And there was Leon, who still hadn't quite started to sleep through the night, and Newt... Well, Newt wasn't rude enough to put his needs and wants above three other people. It also didn't help that the weather had been less than stellar, and Hermann had been a serious sourpuss the whole time.

"So you just wait until he gets into a better mood?" Newt asked Vanessa quietly after dinner. "I mean, how long does this go on?"

"Not very often. It's just the storms moving through. Once the low pressure moves out, the pain will let up." She looked at him, an amused smile playing across her lips. "Are you sure you're a biologist?"

"Yes, thank you. I just... never had to deal with anything like that before. You're picking up a lot of Hermann's bad habits, and I am _not_ impressed."

Vanessa set the dish she'd been drying down on the counter to fully face Newt. "Hermann's bad habits? And what would those be?"

"Questioning my intellect."

"And what else?"

Newt looked absolutely, ridiculously, affronted. "What else? What is a man if not his intellect?"

With an innocent shrug, Vanessa answered, "His intellect and his heart, and his prowess in bed."

"Oh, so you're doubting my prowess in bed?" Newt stepped forward, pressing Vanessa back to the counter, until their bodies were flush against one another. "Because I've never had complaints before."

Her arched eyebrow was an obvious challenge. "Do you know the saying-"

"Fortune favors the bold?"

" _Audentis fortuna iuvat_ is a noble statement if you're charging down an army of Trojans, but I was thinking more along the lines of 'the lady doth protest too much, methinks.'"  She planted her finger directly in the middle of his chest. "Less protesting, more dothing."

"I don't think dothing is a word."

"Are you bludgeoning him with something he can't defend himself against?"

Newt jumped, taking an automatic step back.

"Just classic literature. It's called classic for a reason: everyone should know it."

"You, my dear, are full of shit."

"Tiny ears, darling." She leaned forward and kissed Leon in Hermann's arms on the cheek.

"He'll have to learn eventually that his mother loves to tell lies."

Newt watched, feeling awkward and definitely like he'd been worming his way in where he shouldn't have, while Vanessa kissed Hermann. There was a rush of warmth that flowed through him that replaced the insecurity of the moment. He was still waiting for Hermann to tell him to back off, but he did no such thing.

No, he just brushed up against Newt to get into the refrigerator for a bottle. "She is a master liar. She convinced someone the reason fish were silver was because of the mercury in the water. A college educated adult," Hermann said casually as he warmed it.

"I had no idea they would actually _believe_ me."

"Now who is protesting too much?"

"That's not what protest means in that context."

"Newton, would you please do something to end this silly conversation?"

That was an invitation if ever he'd heard, and he said, "Yes, sir," under his breath.

Gentle amusement and affection, something that was becoming very used to feeling at that level, resonating in his bones and filling up every part of him that had been hollow before. He stepped forward, and without hesitation, lifted Vanessa to sit on the edge of the sink.

"Don't look at them, Leon," Hermann said quietly from behind him. "They have no sense of decorum."

Newt had certainly never been accused of having any decorum, and with his hands under Vanessa's shirt, he really didn't care.

Her lips grazed his ear. "Saturday. Then we'll see about your prowess."

Three long days.

***

"I was in a band, when I was at MIT." Newt looked up at Vanessa and smiled. "We weren't very good, but they liked us for some reason. Probably because we practically played for free." He plucked idly at the strings of his Martin guitar. "It was a cool thing to do, but..." He shrugged, stalled the conversation by adjusting the tuning pegs (for the worse; he'd had them right where he wanted them before). "It was just a silly thing."

"If it's something you enjoy doing, it's not silly. You're smarter than playing in some little local band though."

"I know, but I can't do what I want anymore. Might as well do what I like second best, right?" A single strum, then return to the tuning pegs. He couldn't call it a silly thing and then try to do something with it. That was counterproductive and stupid. "But I guess I can't do a whole lot before the university's done with me." Newt's fingers moved, playing the chords of a nearly forgotten song he'd written over ten years ago.

"Where did you have time to learn to play?" Vanessa, with Leon fed and burped and rapidly falling asleep, reclined on the couch, stretching her legs out across his lap.

"Parents. I think they were disappointed I didn't take the music more seriously. But when it's all piano and boring shit like that, of course building a Tesla coil in the backyard is going to be a hell of a lot more interesting. That was my uncle." He changed the song, something slower and softer, directionless. "Maybe I should have tried my hand at jazz."

When he didn't receive a response, Newt looked to find Vanessa asleep with Leon on her chest. He sighed.

Two more days.

***

"What is that nonsense you are singing?"

Newt paused in what could only be called a rhythmic strut down the hallway as the song died on his lips. Hermann looked really annoyed, more than usual. "Sorry, dude. I'll turn the volume down." Better to acquiesce when he looked like that than try and fight over it, even if the song was totally awesome and Hermann just didn't have a clue.

"And get dressed!"

"I was just-"

But Hermann had already shut the bedroom door.

Sure, Newt wasn't _dressed_ , but he wasn't naked either. The towel was wrapped very firmly around his waist, and it was just a few feet down the hall from the bathroom to his room.

Hermann's muffled voice: "And you're dripping all over the floor!"

That's why he had the towel! Running his hand through his still-damp hair in frustration, Newt returned to his room.

 

It was the middle of the afternoon and Newt was doing, if pressed to tell, fuck-all. It was the realization that caught him off-guard that he'd never seen Hermann angry. Mad plenty, usually at him, and he could deal with that. But angry, no, never angry.

Even filtering through Hermann's memories had the man maintain his demeanor even when Newt would have been hot around the neck and ready to crack someone over the head with a baseball bat.

_...embarrassing me and everyone else here! You've got to know this! It's not fucking good enough!_

And that was why it all occurred to him: Hermann was really angry at work. _Really_ angry. Newt could only guess what some students or really unfortunate staff had done to get him so worked up. The only thing that was very apparent was that what should have been a nice evening leading into a lazy, sexually gratifying weekend was going to be horrifically stressed.

Vanessa was at the pediatrician with Leon, and he didn't want to disturb them, but the sooner they got the jump on the situation, the better it would all be.

His hurried text went unanswered until the front door opened. "How do you know?"

He'd been pacing the entire time, feeling that anger bubbling, afraid to blatantly attempt to calm it. There was a distinct possibility that would only make it worse, and Newt couldn't run from that situation. He looked at her, troubled.

"Oh, of course. There's nothing to be done. Just stay out of his way when he gets home." Vanessa smiled tightly, plainly worried. "He'll just take his time to cool down, and then it'll be fine. He might go upstairs for a little while, or just straight to the bedroom."

Newt unclenched his hands, aching from how tightly he'd been wringing them, of all things, like a worried mother. "Right. So I'll just... go to the basement." Even sitting in his room seemed like it was too close to possible disaster. Stepping out at the wrong time could mean... Well it was silly. What would Hermann do? Just yell a lot really, but if the man was having a shitty day at work, there was no reason to make his evening worse.

Week after week, Newt was becoming more understanding of how Vanessa helped Hermann: she understood him top to bottom, inside and out. He didn't know how, if that was just how the silly idea of soulmates worked. Fucking fairy tales coming true or something. Who wouldn't be jealous of something like that? But he could feel her starting to get under his skin, in the best way, the same way she was under Hermann's. Under his skin and in his head. He might as well have her hands tattooed on him somewhere.

"Don't be worried, Newt. It's still just Hermann."

Vanessa's arm slipping around him might as well have been stuck right through him into his guts, to hold his life in her hand.

"Why are you shaking?"

If Newt had chosen to shut the doors, lock Hermann out, maybe he could have gotten himself under control, but the thought of doing that was actually more distressing than just dealing with Hermann's anger and the chaos it was throwing him into. "The connection," was all he said, wanting to just cling to her.

"Why don't you just lay down and relax?"

He didn't say anything, didn't move.

"Newt?" Her fingers combed through his hair.

"How was the doctor?" he said finally, unwilling to let go quite yet.

"He said Leon is doing perfectly. When was the last time you saw a doctor?"

Newt laughed and took a deep breath. "I see a doctor every day." He waited for her to join in on the joke, but when no reply came, Newt sighed. "Probably my yearly work-up, which would have been... a year and a half ago."

"Maybe you should do that."

"When was the last time Hermann went?" he asked, feeling ten years old and rebellious against his parents' stupid double-standards again.

"The day he got back home."

Oh. "I guess. I should go."

Her lips brushed across his temple.

He was instantly hard. Damn it.

 

The door opened, earlier than anyone expected, and the entire house seemed to stand still. Hermann still looked furious as he glanced first at Vanessa, then locked eyes with Newt. "My father called this morning."

Someone sucked in a lungful of air that could only have been Vanessa from the kitchen.

As Hermann walked across the room, he planted his cane like he was hoping there was some especially vile vermin underneath it. "He wanted to congratulate me, certainly not on the true success of the jaeger program or my part in closing the breach because that would be acknowledging that the foolish wall had been pointless." Hermann paced. *thump*thump*thump* "I don't think he _truly_ even cared about the birth of his grandson. It sounded like my mother was in the background, prompting him."

The words came out, quietly, before Newt had a chance to censor himself: "Fuck him."

Hermann turned and glared at him, his mouth curved into an ugly, _mean_ frown. But he nodded to Newt before heading back to the bedroom.

The very architecture of the house seemed to sigh in relief.

 

"It's been a... sore subject from the start. I've only met the man once. Well, I suppose he was at the wedding, but it was an exercise in avoidance. He is one of those men with impossible standards that even he can't meet, but when his own son can't, then-"

"He's a failure and unworthy."

Vanessa looked back at Newt and nodded. "When you said that before..."

"I got a few memories. None of them good. Not the kind of guy I'd like for a father." He laughed a little. "He probably would've tied me up in a burlap bag, tossed me off Partnach gorge down into the river before I hit eight."

"He was definitely the sort." Vanessa suddenly set down the cloth she'd been wiping down the counter with and faced Newt. "I never told Hermann this, but after I met _Dr. Gottlieb_ that I honestly considered calling it off. All I could hear on the drive back was my grandfather telling me to look at my mother, because that's what I'd grow up to be like. The idea of Hermann becoming that man is _repulsive_."

Newt shrugged from his spot on the couch, where he was holding Leon before the baby fell asleep. "Some people just never pick up on being a parent. They're just not meant to, the way a lion isn't meant to be a vegetarian. But I don't think Hermann's that lion."

"I don't think he is either. But the memory of his father will haunt me, no matter how lovely a woman his mother is."

"Of course she's lovely," Newt answered, distracted by the baby trying to suckle him through his shirt. "She's always lived in his shadow. She doesn't know any better, that she's supposed to fight him for respect, and if he doesn't give it to her, she tells him to stick it up his ass and walks out. No, little dude, no dinner there."

"Maybe. Or maybe she shouldn't have to fight for his respect. Maybe she shouldn't be a baby factory for a man that doesn't even seem to like his own children, even after they're intelligent and successful people. Maybe he deserved to be put in his place, and maybe Hermann deserved a little credit from the man for once in his life." Vanessa sat next to him and accepted Leon into her arms. Without a thought of hesitation, she lifted her shirt for Leon. "I've wondered, probably at least once a week, if I had something to do with it. That me marrying Hermann made his father even more angry. The man thinks I'm a-"

"An imbecile." Newt winced and rubbed his forehead. "Sorry. I remember that conversation."

"It's fine. That old man can't die soon enough, and take all his prejudice and inferiority complex and heavy-handedness to the grave with him." She looked at Newt, ignoring the way his eyes strayed from her face down to Leon at her breast and back up. "I think he is actually threatened by Hermann's intelligence. I think he's afraid that he's not the smartest man in the family, that he's been surpassed as king shit of his little dictatorship."

Newt whistled. "You really don't like this guy, do you?"

"Newt, I hate him. I hate the way he makes Hermann feel. Whatever he thinks of me, I don't care, because he means nothing to me. But Hermann..." She sighed and fell silent, stroking the back of Leon's head. "Don't all boys idolize their father? Don't they want to make their fathers proud?"

"Sure."

"And when you get rejected no matter how perfect all your homework and test scores are, and your father is constantly disappointed but never says why, what then?" A bare whisper: "I hate him, and I'm glad I didn't break up with Hermann because of him."

Newt managed to smile at her. "I am too. Your parents must have been horrified."

"Can you remember the looks on their faces? At the wedding. That should tell you all you need to know."

"Ouch."

"I think you'd get along with my father. He's a man that only follows the rules reluctantly. You understand how difficult that makes it to work at a university." Vanessa adjusted slightly, finding a more comfortable position on the couch, then gestured to her lap. She waited until Newt had situated himself with his head on her thigh and his legs hanging off the end of the couch, then rested her arm across his chest. "I promised them they would never have to meet with him again. Over ten years now and I haven't had to break it."

She very visibly gathered herself, taking deep breaths and relaxing her shoulders. "I really need to learn to not talk about this. I get rather agitated, and then Leon gets squirmy."

"I thought a squirmy baby was a happy baby."

"Not when you're trying to get him to eat or sleep. He's too young to deal with it. I see I need to train you two up a little better. Look, all he wants to do is smile."

"I think," Newt said quietly, "Hermann might like something like this right now. I feel... He feels hollow." He sat up. "You should do that."

She hadn't seen him look quite so serious, even when he'd been not feeling himself. Questions, doubt, but how could she doubt Newt? He and Hermann, there was that link, and she believed in it and them utterly. "I'll do that then. Everything will be fine in the morning."

Hopefully. There'd been a lot of talking about Dr. Lars Gottlieb which usually didn't happen. Normally, there'd be a call or a letter or an email, and Hermann would be a bomb waiting to explode, but he'd slowly defuse until the message was behind him. They never spoke of it, and she'd always left him to his own devices until he'd been over it.

Over it. So dismissive, so slight, like draping a sheet over a crashed truck to hide the evidence of an accident, and just as fragile. It was never a good situation, but it was one they'd managed for as long as they'd been together.

But she'd never had anyone be able to tell her what Hermann really needed in these moments either.

"Good night," Newt said as she disappeared back to the bedroom.


	13. Chapter 13

Saturday morning was uneventful in a good way. Perhaps breakfast was unusually quiet, but it wasn't tense or uncomfortable. It was just the three of them at the table silently eating. Vanessa cast worried looks between the two men in between bites of her toast.

Newt was very firmly staring at his plate, though the bouncing of his foot was audible even over the crunch of him eating (cinnamon and sugar toast, done just perfectly), and trying to be invisible.

With his plate rapidly emptying of his eggs and sausage, Hermann looked more stoic than anything, periodically staring off into the distance. His fork scraping on the plate made Newt twitch with surprise at the sound.

"I'm gonna make more toast," Newt finally declared just after swallowing his last bite. "Anyone else want toast?"

"Yes, please, Newt. And more tea?"

"Sure."

The domesticity of it worried Vanessa. Hermann liked quiet, but that was different from their lives turning into a domestic bore. "Hermann?"

Slowly, as if he weren't quite awake yet, he turned and looked at her. His eyes blinked sleepily.

"Toast?"

His eyes swept away, across the table, as if he were studying the table settings and Newt's plate littered with crumbs and a dusting of cinnamon. He suddenly looks back up to meet her worried gaze. "Please."

Vanessa leaned closer to him, touching his arm. "What would you like on it? Butter and preserves?" That was his preferred topping, strawberry if there were any in the cupboard.

"Strawberry?" His voice is quiet, tired, a shadow of himself, much like the look in his eyes.

"We have some still."

A nod in reply, and he continued eating his eggs.

Instead of instructing Newt across the room, she went to him. "Two more pieces," she said at his shoulder.

"Sure thing."

She got out the preserves while she waited for the toast, listening to the clink and scrape of the fork behind her.

"Would it be weird," Newt whispered, "to meet his parents?"

"I can hear you. You're not that far away."

Hearing Hermann speak in a relatively normal tone of voice seemed return things to the usual state of affairs. "I don't know, Newt." Vanessa stared at the jar in her hand for a moment, then came to a decision. "Actually, I think that would probably not be a very good idea." She'd never voiced any sort of opinion regarding Hermann's family, and perhaps it was time to end that practice. "I don't think they'd take to you well."

"Even if I speak German at them? _Ich bin ein Rockstar!_ "

Vanessa laughed, her entire body shaking as she bent over the counter until she leaned heavily against Newt.

From his seat at the table even Hermann snorted with amusement. "That would make a very good impression on them. And tell me, Newton, how would we explain this to them? Because they will demand answers as to why I take an adult man with me everywhere I go."

The toast popped up, and Newt began fixing his. "Because let me tell you something that you have never seemed to pick up on: I am awesome."

"Newton, the idea of you inspiring awe in my family..." He released a heavy, affected sigh. "You poor deluded man."

From where she was still leaning against Newt, Vanessa felt him relax. Yes, things were fine once more, maybe better. She'd never been able to get any sort of humor or amusement from Hermann on the subject of his family. Of course she'd never found much funny about them anyway.

"Vanessa's parents now." He was behind her, arms slipping around her waist as he kissed her neck. "They'd be confused, but end up perfectly fine with it, I'm sure."

He was leaning on her, but not so much that it prevented her from making his toast. "They want to see Leon. We should arrange a visit at some point anyway."

"Do you see, Newton? This is why I resisted for so long. This is what a baby does to you, so many impossible family obligations."

"There was no resisting. We never even talked about it. It was never a good time, so why bother?" She handed one piece of toast to Hermann over her shoulder. "We were both still in school at first, and then he got recruited by the PPDC, I continued to model a little, but..." With one of Hermann's arms around her and him munching toast in her ear, Vanessa turned to face Newt. "It's a lifestyle, not a job. And that's fine when you're single, but being married and still going home to an empty house because the fate of the world rests on the opposite side of the planet? I needed someone to keep me grounded every night."

"So you quit, and finally decided to turn your efforts to a little Gottlieb." Newt gave her a half-shrug and pushed his glasses up with the back of his hand (his fingers dusted with cinnamon and sugar). "I just couldn't ever imagine having kids."

"I can't imagine you would ever find a woman that could keep up with you." A line like that spoken to Hermann, Vanessa knew, would get him instantly defensive, but to Newt it was almost like a point of pride.

"I was never the settling type, and the women that don't care about settling, my mom always said you don't marry them."

"Your mother," Hermann added, "is certifiable. You know that, don't you?"

Vanessa could see it immediately, the way Newt tensed, his hand stopping in mid-swipe with the knife across the toast. She didn't know the specifics, not the way Hermann should have, but she could easily see that the comment had directly struck a nerve.

It took a moment, but he realized too. His arm slipped from around her waist and settled on Newt's shoulder. "Newton, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything of it. She is a wonderful woman, and she loves you very much."

But Newt hunched further in on himself, bringing his shoulders almost to his ears. "I, uh..." He shrunk away from Hermann's hand, leaving the knife and half-buttered piece of toast on the counter, twisting to put distance between himself and the two of them. "I need to just... Sorry."

Vanessa stood still until she heard the sound of Newt's door shutting hard, then she turned on her husband. " _Hermann_."

"I'd forgotten. Or didn't remember before I said. I didn't mean it."

She was undecided as to whether she should go to Newt or let him be. In the end, with Hermann standing awkwardly behind her, shifting uncomfortably as he braced himself on the counter, she decided to leave him be for the time. In a little while she'd check in on him, but for the moment, she turned, disappointed. "So tell me, since you so royally cocked this up."

"When he was a boy. She was admitted, temporarily. That's all."

"That's _all_?" For being the smartest man she'd ever known, her husband could be so unbelievably stupid sometimes. "All right. I need to go to the store to do something about this. What's his favorite dessert? Cookies or brownies, or cake? Pie?"

"How should I know?"

She poked him hard in the chest. " _Check_. As if I haven't learned by now how this works."

"Oh." Hermann looked off, over her shoulder, through the window into the distance for a few seconds. "Cake. Something awful. Yellow cake with bits of candy or something in it. Something from a box. Very horribly American."

"Watch Leon. I'll be right back."

 

The timer was about to go off when Newt wandered back out, dressed in his undershirt, jeans, and bare feet. "Smells good."

"Cake, for after dinner." Vanessa smiled at him, hoping whether he realized it was essentially an emotional bribe or not, it would lift his spirits.

"Cool." Then he walked away, to the basement.

After a few minutes, Vanessa heard the soft sounds of the guitar, but she had no idea whether to be encouraged or not.

 

The cake was frosted and sitting aside. Vanessa avoided looking at it because until she got any kind of positive reaction from Newt, it just made her feel bad.

"Need some help?" He was right at her shoulder, had come up on her completely silently. "Cake looks good."

"Hermann said you've got a sweet tooth."

"A little. Just a lot of junk food."

She'd heard plenty of complaints from Hermann about the quality of the food. "So we've been spoiling you."

He put his hand on the counter, and for a moment his finger tapped it in random staccato pattern. "My mother would be happy to know I'm eating actual meals."

Without thinking, without concern, just that tapping filling the quiet space, Vanessa turned and kissed him.

"Is that how we solve all our problems?" he asked when Vanessa pulled back, and he tucked his face into her neck.

"It's how I show I care about you, Newt. I just hope it's enough to make up for these things, the misunderstandings."

Newt's body relaxed and a strong exhalation hit her neck and shoulder. "It is. I just never talked about it before. To anyone."

"You can now. If you want."

He said nothing, but she got the distinct impression that it wasn't an outright refusal. It was more like _someday_.

"When you're comfortable. And now..."

"Dinner. Right."

Impressions, vague feelings, ideas from what she's learned observing, and what little Hermann had told her, that was all she had to go on. It made it all the more frustrating that her husband was the only one that could truly say how to fix this, and the two of them were busy out-issuing each other to solve either problem.

Newt laughed suddenly. "Herm's got daddy issues and I've got mommy issues. Matched pair, I guess." For a brief moment, his arms tightened around her to a near-painful level, then released. "It's fine. I'm good now."

 

Dinner proceeded as usual. It was the only moment of true normalcy in their lives now, the thing any other family would do, without monsters or thoughts being forced together or a bed big enough for three.

Newt was distracted from eating by making faces at Leon, who was always amused. "Hermann, you sure Leon is yours? He likes me way better than you, dude. And look at that hair."

"Oh, tomorrow, remind me to show you the photo album!"

"No!"

Vanessa ignored Hermann's protest, focussing conversation on Newt for the moment. "I found the most adorable picture of him when he was six. All that hair..."

Newt actually put his chin in his hand, elbow braced on the table, and smiled at her. "Oh do tell."

Attempting to cut off the conversation, Hermann admitted, however reluctantly, "I refused to sit for a haircut until I was nine. There. Are you happy?"

"And you've been compensating for it ever since. Hermann, dude, let it grow just a _little_."

"No cake for him."

"Aww, come on!"

 

The door opened slowly, just enough for someone to poke their head in. "Hey, I know you didn't promise anything, but-"

"Come in, Newt."

He crept in, shutting the door behind him, and tip-toed to the bed. "I brought a piece of cake. Hope you don't mind, since _Hermann_ wouldn't let me have one before."

"I'm right here, and I'm awake."

"I know." Newt sat on the edge of the bed with his fork and plate and piece of cake _it looks so good I just want to rub it all over myself_

"How long has it been since you've had a piece of cake? Because that, Newton, is a filthy idea."

A foot caressed his hip as he grinned in the dark. "How long have I been getting my balls busted by the PPDC? Because it's been that long."

"Bring your cake up here, Newt."

He liked Vanessa in the middle, felt it was the most fair thing for her. And Newt still couldn't get over the idea that she and Hermann were married, so it was the husband's right of... first refusal, he guessed. But it was Hermann's place to take the lead when Vanessa didn't.

"He's overthinking things again, isn't he?" Vanessa said as she took the cake away. "I can tell by how still he's gotten."

"Yes. He's still acting like this is a cafeteria line."

"Does that make me the last cup of pudding?"

"No, my dear, it makes you the upperclassman."

Vanessa makes a long, exaggerated noise of contemplation. "If I get first choice, then I say... the both of you."

Only then did Newt realized the room was pitch black because he'd closed his eyes, and his imagination was starting to spin up into overdrive. "How...?" he said faintly. He'd never imagined this situation, didn't know how or where to start picturing it other than the immediate need to be inside Vanessa. "Hermann." It came out like a growl, everything he was feeling doubled due to the man and they both knew it. "I'm gonna blow my load in like thirty seconds."

His eyes adjusted, his left one seeming especially acute at finding the golden-blue outline of Hermann in the dark. _When did that happen?_

_Get undressed, you fool. We can work it out later._

Hermann always was the voice of reason. After all, he'd convinced him to stop wearing those tight pants; it made getting undressed that much quicker.

"Flat on your back, Newt. And please, give me at least forty-five seconds."

"Fuck, that is _not_ helping." He reached back to grab the headboard, his knuckles white around the warm wood. His toes were practically curling already just from the anticipation. Then Vanessa was crouching over him, and Hermann was behind her, and Newt's world was fucking shattered.

 

Newt felt very proud of himself. He gave her a minute and a half before it was simply too much. It was like a hot, wet machine moving in six different ways all at the same time, with a current of bliss running through him. There'd be bruises on her hips and thighs, which he was sorry for, but wouldn't take back either. The one very clear thing he took away from it was his hands on Vanessa's breasts, and then Hermann's hands over his, choking his groan with a riptide of sensation until spots bloomed at the edge of his vision. "Holy shit," was all he could manage to say.

Hermann reached across the empty space where Vanessa belonged and set the plate on Newt's chest. "Your cake."

"Thanks, dude."

"Might I suggest," Hermann said quietly before Newt had a chance to get any of it in his mouth, "that you save some of that for Vanessa. We didn't exactly do her any favors."

"Yeah." Looking at Hermann in the dark was an odd thing now. If Newt shut his right eye, it was like the man was lit internally with bright blue LEDs. "You glow, dude. I can see your heart beat."

"Not now, Newton. Save it for tomorrow." A long silence. "I can see yours too."

"Huh." But he wasn't satisfied with that, didn't want to wait until tomorrow. Instead, he reached out and put his hand over the bright blue pulse in Hermann's chest, watched it flare gold and felt the wave of warmth roll over him.

Hermann made an annoyed noise, but there was no way that hadn't affected him. But if he was that determined to be annoyed by whatever was going on at the moment, Newt would just leave it to wait until later.

But then Vanessa returned, reclaimed her spot between the two of them, and expertly managed to cuddle up to both of them at the same time.

"Vanessa, I-"

"It's fine, Newt. There are times when that makes me just as happy." Her fingers ghosted across his cheek and lips. "When all I want is to fall asleep with Hermann inside me. Just to be together like that."

The thought, the image it brought up made him shudder. For all three of them to sleep like that, it was Newt's new definition of paradise.

Vanessa suddenly feeding him a bite of cake was a decent placeholder though, her fingertips coated with sticky crumbs and frosting.

_just want to eat it off her_

"Don't you dare think about doing that in this bed."

"Jesus, Hermann, quit eavesdropping."

"You're practically shouting it. I'm amazed Vanessa can't hear it."

With her eyes half-lidded, Vanessa pinched another piece of cake in between her fingers and fed it to Newt. "I can't hear it, but I can definitely feel it."

Familiar exasperation. "The mess…"

Newt dragged his finger through the frosting, then reached over and smeared it across Hermann's mouth like a stripe of warpaint. "There, now you won't feel left out." Outrage that made Newt grin, but he knew a trick now, and when he closed his right eye, he could see how Hermann's heart had sped up.

Fast and strong, and if Newt watched it long enough, he knew it would put him to sleep. Absently he shoved cake into his mouth as Vanessa kissed Hermann and licked the frosting from his face, and stronger his heart beat until Newt was sure he'd be able to see it if he closed both eyes.

The rest of the night was a blur or a fog, a blue and gold haze that throbbed with joy in the darkness, and visited him in his sleep until morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that happened. Not quite originally what I was planning, but I'm OK with it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strange things are afoot at the Circle K. And it's Newt's fault.

Newton smiled up at him. "I always wanted to be a pirate, dude!"

"You did not."

"No, but I thought they were cool for being dangerous criminals. The old-fashioned ones, swashbuckling and all that shit."

Hermann sighed. "Can you see out of your right eye or not?"

"No, totally blocked off." He looked to his left and right, turning his entire head. "Are you recording yet?"

"Yes." The tiny recorder was in Hermann's hand, and the camera was filming the entire end of the room from its spot on a shelf. "Go ahead whenever you're ready."

Newton shrugged. "There's nothing. Everything is normal until I look at you."

To make sure he was in proper frame, clear for the camera, Hermann sat in the chair next to Newton's. "Describe it. Me."

Newton sat for a long moment, saying nothing and just staring before he explained, "Like… lightning. Or a volcano." His face suddenly lit up. "Like the breach, energy and lights. Or a jaeger. I can see your heart. It's blue, but it's so bright it's almost white, and when…" He paused, looked to Hermann's face. "When you're excited, it's like a beacon. Dude, I can't explain it all. There's so much."

He huffed and gathered his thoughts, still staring at Hermann. "It's not your veins or arteries I see, but it's something. There's your heart, and then there's all these lines coming out of it, like a sunburst! And then, when I touch you..." Newton reached over and put his hand on Hermann's arm, just rested it there. "When I touch you, it's like we react, and there's all this gold light, and it really is like I can see your nerve endings firing, and it fucking feels like it too." Newton changed his touch from his whole hand to one finger. "I feel like I could write my name on you right now."

As evocative a Newton's words were, Hermann was deep in thought. "The probability that this is an effect of both drifting with the kaiju and being permanently connected to the hive mind is almost a certainty. If Dr. Geiszler's vision were like this permanently, in both eyes, he would have an easy time locating, identifying, and assessing the status of any other kaiju. In terms of the hive mind connection, I believe this allows the precursors to monitor the kaiju with relative precision even at an impossible distance. Newton, are you listening?"

"Nope. Dude, are you surprised?"

"Not at all."

"Can I tell you something?"

"Of course."

"I want to watch you and Vanessa have sex while I jerk off."

"Newton."

"Like this." He pointed at the makeshift eyepatch he was wearing. "I bet it looks _amazing_."

Both of them know that, no matter what Hermann might say now, when the time came, there'd be no protesting. He only shook his head, brushing the whole thing off as _Newton_ , but then that was a quarter of his life now. Or maybe a third, because _Newton_ and _Hermann_ were becoming less separate as individuals in his mind.

Sure, he'd been very serious in telling Vanessa that he was an individual while adding this duality with Newton, but those things were eroding. Individuality and duality were becoming him. And Newton. And Hermann hated thinking about it because it was too complicated and didn't follow any kind of sane pattern that he could solve. Once in a while, he longed for the days when he was just a frustrated physicist and mathematician that was discounted and dismissed because his results were so much chalk dust in the air and not a thing people could touch and hold.

"Hermann, you're turning all red. It's creeping me out, man."

That snapped him back to the task at hand, thankfully. "Interesting. Describe that now."

"Ah, you're fading back to blue. You were just kind of going red around the edges, if that makes any sense. I mean, I guess maybe more orange than red, but your eyes were definitely starting to hit red. It was pretty cool, in a creepy way. Best halloween costume ever that only I can see."

Eyes? "What color are my eyes normally like this?"

Newton was still smiling at him, thoughts of halloween and costumes and candy bouncing around in his head. "Uh, brown. I think. Nothing weird."

"Not blue? Or gold?"

"Nope. See, this is why I want to watch you and Vanessa-"

Hermann sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Yes, while you _jerk off_. I got that much."

"For science, dude!"

The idea was so absurd, so Newton, Hermann added his other hand to rub down his entire face.

"See, now you're gold, in your hands."

"Stop pointing at me. If you don't take this seriously, there's no point in doing it."

"I am! I just told you I observed a change. I said what it was and where it was occurring. What more do you want?"

Hermann rubbed his forehead again. "Newton…" His hand covered his right eye, and for a fleeting moment he saw Newton's limbs pulse orange as he flailed them about in protest. "All right. I'm sorry. I'm not discounting what you say. I'm just trying to understand it."

The cavern was dark, the water frozen into gems once more. The kaiju were there, in the dark, waiting as just points of light. But waiting patiently all the same.

Newton's hand was suddenly gripping his jaw hard. "Hey! It's just like you said, OK? It's a superficial residual effect for monitoring. We're not turning into monsters or anything. Hermann? You hear me?"

"What do you see?" Hermann asked, his voice weak; he couldn't open his eyes.

"Blue. You're blue all over, like the perfect sky blue." His hand still had hold of Hermann's face. "It's fear."

A shaky nod. "Sometimes I think about it and no matter how much I try, I can't _know_ anything about what's happening. Newton, what if-"

"No! I said that's not what's happening. We just got dealt a hand full of wildcards when we drifted. So we need to plan on how to play them, together."

"Wildcards? I feel as far away from a wildcard as a piece of dry toast."

"That's what you've got me for."

The hold on his jaw loosened, but didn't leave. "If it were just me, I wouldn't care. I'd turn into an alien monster with my chin up, but it's not just me." Hermann opened his eyes to find himself staring directly into Newton's. "What if I hurt her? Or Leon?"

"Nobody's getting hurt. You gotta stop thinking about that. We're not monsters. We're _not_ monsters. We saved the world, dude."

"I hate it when you're the rational one."

Newton smiled, looking utterly ridiculous in the eyepatch. "Me too, dude."

***

"Vanessa, if you could keep both of us in frame as best you can."

"Yes, Dr. Gottlieb."

"You sure you're up for this?" Newt asked.

"Not for very long, but it should be sufficient. Recording?"

"Yes, Dr. Gottlieb."

"She's totally mocking you."

"I am perfectly aware of it."

"Should I call you Captain Gottlieb instead?"

Newt snickered.

"Wouldn't be the first time. Now, can we get started?"

They were all out in the garden, with Hermann and Newt wearing matching eyepatches over their right eyes.

"You know this won't prove anything, right? The camera won't pick it up, and we already-"

"Because it is the proper way to do these things, Newton. We have to document all of our findings."

" _All_ of them? I never knew you were into that." Newt waited for the outraged retort. And waited.

"Are you done?"

"I am never done, man. Look, I think I've got something more interesting to try."

"Please, Newton, can you keep it contained in your trousers for a single day?"

"Yes, but that's not what I mean anyway. I say we try it totally blindfolded. I think that's way more relevant to... I dunno, something, more than boring basic physical exercise. I _hate_ exercise."

"It's walking. It doesn't even actually qualify as exercise. You do it every day!"

Newt shrugged. "Blindfolds. I say blindfolds."

"And I say no."

They stared intently at one another, and Vanessa could only imagine there was some heated debate going on in the secrecy of the hive mind. Without warning, in unison they turned and looked at her.

"Tiebreaker! Vanessa, what's your vote?"

"Oh, I'm definitely voting for blindfolds."

"My own wife, a traitor to my cause."

She blew Hermann a kiss.

***

"Their eyesight is better than ours, even taking into consideration how small their eyes are in comparison to their bodies. It helps them navigate as they come out of the breach; visibility at that depth is near zero without some kind of-"

"So you actually have some scientific basis for this experiment, and not just one of your whims?"

"Of course I do, Hermann. Remember? For science!"

"I know all about the kinds of things you want to do in the name of science."

Newt glanced at Vanessa, who appeared confused, and waggled his eyebrows. "So we're just going to see if we can do anything cool like that."

"Just like that."

Vanessa zoomed in on the very sour look on Hermann's face. "Don't be such a grumpy Gus, Hermann. It's an interesting idea, isn't it?"

His reluctance to answer was a definite yes.

New clapped his hands and rubbed them together in obvious excitement. "Right! Blindfolds! Vanessa, tell me if he's cheating."

The men were at opposite ends of the room, and between them were several bookcases that physically blocked their view of one another.

"I know this room better than I know the back of my hand," Hermann snapped. "What is the point of 'finding' each other when I know exactly where you are?"

Newt was tying the blindfold at the back of his head and fitting it over his eyes. "The point is not to find each other. The point is to see if we _could_ if we needed to."

"Why would we need to?"

It was Newt's turn to huff. "Vanessa?"

"Hermann, put on your blindfold."

He glared into the camera. "I hope Leon is too young to learn how fickle your loyalties are. He'll never trust you otherwise." But then he went and put on the blindfold anyway, reaching for his cane once it was firmly in place.

"All right, Newt, start your test." Vanessa pointed the camera first at Newt, who just stood there, then at Hermann, who was doing the same.

"This is ridiculous," Hermann growled. "I can't see a thing!"

"Hm. Vanessa, come here."

She carried the camera over to Newt, where whatever he wanted to say would be recorded. When she was close enough, she touched his arm and watched him tilt his head toward her like a curious puppy. "You have an idea?" she asked quietly so Hermann wouldn't hear.

"Yeah. It was something I noticed last night. Can you just go over there and… work him up a little bit?"

"Work him up? You mean…?"

"Yeah, just enough to get him a little antsy, you know? I think it's an adrenaline response, but this is the only way I can think of to get one out of him that won't end up with him being super pissed at me. Or hitting me with his cane."

"Or locking you out of the bedroom." With interest she watched scarlet furl up from Newt's shirt collar toward his chin.

"Yeah, that too." He shuffled awkwardly before he finally asked, "Can you do it? It'll either work, or it won't. No need to do anything explicit. Unless you want to."

"All right, but no guarantees. Whatever it is about this, he's really not pleased."

Newt laughed nervously. "It may be something I said earlier, about, you know, wanting to watch while you-"

"How long will this take?" Hermann asked loudly. "I'm not seeing anything, and beginning to see this as the waste of time I originally believed."

 

Vanessa's footsteps as she hurried over to Hermann echoed loudly on the wooden floor. Newt stood still, straining against the darkness of the blindfold to see _something_.

"What are you...?" came Hermann's voice.

His voice and then something in the distance, a noise from outside the house. Rhythmic and steady, and soon enough a distant light in front of him. It was small, barely a winking star, but it was getting brighter, bolder. As it became more distinct, it turned into not a single point of light at all, but a wave that originated from behind-

Newt gasped aloud, his hand flying up to the blindfold. That blue pulse, the beacon he'd seen the night before, there it was. It was everything he thought it would be, that even though Hermann was hidden, that beacon wrapped around the objects between them, leaving dark shadows in its wake. All Newt had to do was walk in that blue light, even as the beacon pulsed faster and Newt guessed what Vanessa was doing.

His heart was speeding up; he wondered if Hermann could see it the same way, a manifestation of himself curling out into the air, like the most perfect wave. Blue and clear, it told him everything he needed to know, both about Hermann's state and his own scientific ideas. This was as close to studying kaiju as he'd been in months, and it was fantastic.

Around the last bookcase was something out of what anyone else would have called a movie. Hermann was at the center of it, flickering blue and gold behind Vanessa's shadow, the beacon of his heart pulsing faster as it flared to a blinding white. Newt could feel his heart pick up pace until it beat in time with Hermann's once more.

How often had it done that and he hadn't noticed? Were they always in synch like this?

He approached, and noticed the noise that had been distant before was clearer now, but not in time with the beacon. It wasn't Hermann. Reaching out, he let his hand slide down Vanessa's back, feeling her shoulder blades and muscle work as she clung to Hermann. It was her, the sound was her heart, and the situation that had been one of the most interesting things he'd ever been part of had grown exponentially more fascinating.

"Do you see it?" Newt asked, and winced at how loud his voice seemed in his ears. "Do you see me?" he asked, more quietly this time. "Can you hear Vanessa?"

The only response he received was an actual _growl_ from Hermann.

Whatever words Newt had been ready to say were lost in an answering growl as he wound his arms around Vanessa and lightly scraped the back of her neck with his teeth.

_What are you doing? Hermann! What's going on?_

Closing his eyes did nothing. He could see it anyway, get lost in it, completely hypnotized and seduced by it all. It took all Newt's effort to rip the blindfold off, and be plunged into the average world around him once more, his chest heaving and heart racing. Without wasting another moment, he yanked off Hermann's blindfold as well, and stared with wide vaguely frightened eyes at the man.

Hermann blinked at him, looked with bewilderment at Vanessa, then back to Newt.

"Dude."

"Agreed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, not what I had planned, but eh, I'm going with it.
> 
> Also, wildcard, bitches! Yeeeehaw!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This starts out serious, then gets a little weird, then serious, then it gets kind of sexy. Just like life.

"Never again." In fact, Newt was in the process of training himself to not blink with only his right eye. "But I still say we're not monsters. I can't say what that was, but monsters is not going to be my first answer."

Hermann's response was slow and very firm, evidenced perfectly by the grip he had on his cane. "Any future experiments will _not_ involve Vanessa or Leon in any way."

"Yes, I agree. You know if I had any idea-"

"I know."

The two fell silent, Hermann staring a hole into the floor in the middle of the room while Newt looked out the front window, his fingers drumming nervously against his thigh. Technically, the experiment had worked, but there was no way to replicate it without Vanessa's involvement. As curious and fascinated and amazed as he was, he just couldn't do that again. She'd had no idea what was going on between him and Hermann, and that she was in the middle of it. If Leon had been in the middle, there was no saying what would have happened.

Or maybe nothing would have happened. Newt ran his hand through his hair, abandoning the drumming for the bouncing of his knee. Whatever that response had been, it hadn't been entirely human, or at least not civilized. "I wonder," he said hesitantly, unsure whether he should bother with these inexplorable paths of thinking, "if the response was purely us, just exacerbated by the… whatever, then it's fine. I mean, it would only make sense, right, that we'd maybe, like, fight over Vanessa under other circumstances. Right?"

Hermann was still silent.

"I think we should watch the footage." It couldn't show what they experienced, but it would give a very clear look at their behavior, and guilt made Newt need to know what Vanessa had seen of them. Had she realized something was wrong? Had she been concerned?

_Did you move like a kaiju? Did you really growl at Hermann?_ Under any other circumstances, Newt would have retreated to the truth of the hive mind, that always reflected things from a deeper place in his mind than his limited surface thoughts. It expanded his perception, and he foolishly had been denying the power of it by settling to play music.

_Because music was not something giant monsters did. Music was human and_ Newt _and he was fine with that._

Wasn't he?

Hermann rose slowly, leaning very heavily on his cane and grimacing. "I don't want to," he said gruffly, and left Newt by himself.

It made sense for Hermann to not want to watch it, but Newt couldn't deny his own curiosity. He took the camera down into the basement, just to make sure nobody else saw it until he knew what was on it (he was fairly sure Vanessa hadn't watched it).

He scanned the footage until he found the spot where Vanessa put the camera down so she could try to arouse Hermann. With his best effort at clinical detachment (something he'd never been very good at), Newt watched Vanessa put her hands on Hermann's chest, begin kissing him, Hermann's hesitation, and returning her actions. Newt shifted, concentrated harder on _science_ when Vanessa reached one hand down Hermann's trousers, and ignored the tightening in his jeans.

Slowly he came into frame. Slow, but steady and unerring, he approached the pair. Silence other than the faint hiss of the microphone until camera-Newt puts his hand on Vanessa. And yes, Hermann growled, something guttural and so unlike the man it was a little shocking.

Newt remembered speaking at some point, or thought he had, but in the recording, he remained silent until he answered Hermann's growl. That was certainly never a noise he'd made; Newt didn't even know his voice could get that low, like a tiger before it bared its fangs and lashed out with deadly claws, and-

He switched off the camera. He removed the memory card from the device and put it in his pocket. Hermann was right, that they should properly document whatever crazy shit they were testing, but this was something better left unseen. If it got into the wrong hands (any government, the PPDC, someone else even less scrupulous), there was no telling what they'd want know. Want to _do_. To them. And Vanessa. And what they'd do to Leon to make sure he was a normal baby.

Choking back a whimper, Newt ran back upstairs. "Hermann! Hermann!"

"He's upstairs. What's wrong?"

And now he was terrified to tell Vanessa any of it, and _fuck_ he was tipping after he'd been good for so long. "It was all a mistake," he said breathlessly, feeling like there was a heavy weight on his chest. "I'm sorry." And he took the stairs two at a time until he saw Hermann in the chair at his desk, cradling Leon.

A single sharp look from the man

_Not needing to talk comes in handy sometimes._

and Newt stopped, sliding across the floor in his socks. So maybe he had thundered up the stairs and had been planning on doing the same across the room, and that would have disturbed Leon, and Newt didn't want that at all. Instead, he walked with quiet but quick steps to Hermann and sat in the other chair.

"Dude, you were completely right."

At that, Hermann's entire body went rigid and something like terror briefly passed over his face. _"What?"_

"No, I mean, we're not turning into monsters, but what we did… That was a bad idea, I admit it. Write it down on your calendar. I'm totally saying you were right." Newt started to gnaw on his right thumbnail. "I don't understand it at all, and now I'm fucking terrified that if someone were to see that video, we'd be _fucked_."

"Newton, calm down. Do you even realize what you're doing right now?"

Newt felt a tug on his hand, but when he looked, there was nothing touching his hand. Both of Hermann's hands were in plain view holding Leon. And that tug again, a very real, physical feeling even though there was nothing there.

_Is it happening? You don't feel right._

It became obvious, and Newt felt like a total idiot. "Oh, yeah. Right, duh."

The cavern felt small, the high ceiling threatening to collapse upon him, and those huge shadows crowding him as he stood at the edges of the water, black as the deepest trench under the ocean. He was freezing, shivering, his hands trembling so violently that he had to dig his fingers into his arms to the point of pain to make them stop. He could have spoken, could have told Hermann everything, but he didn't have to.

Hermann did, however, in his long, lean body that was undamaged, with smooth pale skin, and hands so large… "Dude, why are your hands so big?"

"They're not." He waved one of his overly large hands, and the shadows that were growing closer were suddenly pushed back, falling like black ash when they hit the darkened walls. "Now tell me." _Tell metell metellme_

"I don't know. I don't know." Newt started to pace, glancing up at the ceiling that menaced him with its mass and weight and threat of falling and crushing him. "What I saw, the recording by itself doesn't make any sense, but with what I know we experienced, someone could use that for bad shit." He dug his fingers deeper into his arms, drawing spurts of blood that were not entirely red to fall on the cool stone beneath his bare feet. "Or they'll just cut our brains open, and do all kinds of sick tests on Vanessa, and Leon…" _I don't even give a shit about myself. There's not a normal fucking thing about me, but-_

"No one will cut open our brains, or do tests on any of us." Hermann's hands, still too large, but not quite as large as before, grabbed him. It lasted only a moment as Newt turned, just a single glimpse, but his eyes flashed that golden that meant _good things_. "Are you comprehending? I know you're listening."

"I…" Newt's entire body was shuddering with the cold, the ache of it in his bones.

To his surprise, Hermann hugged him, puts arms that feel ten feet long around him, and filled him with warmth until the shaking stopped and Newt could pull pulls his fingertips from his skin. With a gasp of relief, he returned the embrace, feeling small, like a child again, and held on for his life.

"Newton."

Newt opened his eyes to find his face pressed into Hermann's shoulder.

"Are you feeling better, Newton?"

Sniffling, and he hadn't even realized he'd been crying, Newt lifted his head. He'd left an ugly mess on Hermann's sweater, and futilely wiped it with his hand. "Sorry about that, dude."

Leon had slept through it all.

"Was what you saw that disturbing?" Hermann asked almost reluctantly.

No, it hadn't been "Yes. But only because I know what I felt."

"And it made you...?"

"Yeah. But... you made it stop."

"It was only fair. You helped me before. And I understand your fears, truly. If you think it's best to destroy the recording, then do so. If you don't think this is something we should research more, then we'll get along just fine like we have been." Hermann met Newt's worried gaze with his own even, half-lidded one. "I trust you, Newton. I would have never drifted with you in the first place if I didn't."

Newt wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve and was surprised to see it was only snot and tears, and no blood. "Thanks, Hermann." He leaned over and kissed Leon on the side of the head. "And your dad thanks you, little guy, because if you hadn't been here, I probably would've been in his lap."

And to Newt's surprise _and pleasure_ Hermann made no snide comment.

"Here, so you can change your sweater." It felt like forever since he'd held Leon, and while there was no true connection between himself and the tiny boy, there was that thread of Hermann that Newt responded to (though he didn't feel comfortable telling anyone about it just yet). It was deeper than just his relationship with Hermann and Vanessa, which he was thinking he might willingly die to protect Leon because of.

He thought about earlier, the recording, the noise he'd made and been totally unaware of the savagery of it in the moment.

_I'd kill for him._

Hermann got up from his chair and didn't give him a second look, even though Newt was fully aware that his friend had heard that loud and clear. No, Hermann just put his hand on Newt's shoulder. "I think we should both get cleaned up before dinner."

Oh yeah, he'd been a blubbering mess just a few minutes ago. "Yeah."

"I was thinking," Hermann said slowly, "that we do need to have _family_ meetings. It will be hard to explain, but I feel it's important to establish that you will have true custody of Leon if anything should happen to Vanessa and I. It won't sit well."

Newt was stunned into silence. "Me?" he eventually squeaked.

"Yes, you just said you'd willingly kill for him. Who else would it be?"

"Technically, I never _said_ that." He blew out his breath. "But OK."

"You shouldn't feel obligated if you don't want to. Vanessa's parents-"

"No! I want to!" He looked down at Leon and ran the back of one finger down the baby's cheek. "I want to."

Hermann cleared his throat, his way of breaching an awkward subject. "Have you told your mother anything?"

"I called her just after we closed the breach, let her know I was OK and everything would be fine." Newt laughed a little; that had been one hell of a phone call. "But that was before, you know… No idea what I'd say to her now, about all this."

"Does she even know you're living here?"

"No way. Dude, she would be knocking on the door the first possible moment if she knew, and then what do I tell her? Even making a joke about it sounds crazy. My friend, whose brain I share now, and his wife who is my lover, but that's OK, because we have threesomes together, and their baby, who I guess I'm like the second dad of? Not even _I_ am buying that. No, we'll just stick with random phone calls and email once in a while."

And that was all completely true, and turned the conversation away from just what the hell they'd do about Hermann's family because nobody wanted to even think of it.

"Yes, well." Hermann's thoughts had gone there anyway. "It's your discretion. She's welcome if you ever come to believe it's the right thing to do."

It was funny in a way, because Hermann would know if it were the right time as surely as Newt would. Hermann had all those memories and feelings and thoughts, and as clear and real as they were, they still weren't _enough_. It would never be his place to make that decision for Newt, and he knew it. They each had boundaries that were barely more than ever-shifting lines drawn in the sand of a desert, but they were there, and they were respected. "Thanks, Hermann."

"You're very welcome, Newton."

 

Vanessa did probably more than her share of housework, usually alone, and took care of Leon when the two men didn't have the time for it, but oddly, she was fine with it. She never thought she'd be able to do something like it, be a housewife and a mother, but she'd done so much, lived through so many things, _survived_. Her perspective had changed as soon as Hermann had left, gone to Alaska of all places, his suitcase packed full of sweaters because he was a skinny man that was often colder everyone else around him.

And she'd given him the coat, large and long ( _"Like you," and he'd blushed and kissed her and it was like a perfect moment that she'd never forget_ ) to protect him from the weather on the coast of the gulf of Alaska, too far north for a man like him. She'd watched him walk out the door with a last look back, vague but lingering sorrow in his eyes at leaving her behind for who could say how long, and then his back, just his back, and he was gone.

Remembering that still made her cry. The visits hadn't been enough, only reminded her of what they were missing together, how hollow she felt at home even as she kept herself occupied by filling almost every waking moment with _something_. The one fateful visit, where he'd been so pleased and scared, when the numbers had worked out to something he couldn't tell her about, but he'd given her all night, until visitors were to be escorted out of the shatterdome the next day.

The terror, more existential than anything, when she learned she was pregnant because she was alone. How she'd told her parents immediately because even though they were in England, she needed any kind of support she could get, and hadn't told Hermann's parents at all. Then sending him the ultrasound, and even though she couldn't see his face, she knew he'd been on the verge of tears at seeing it.

"Why are you crying?"

She turned and fell into his embrace. "Because of how lucky I am you came home when so many others didn't." She smiled against his shirt collar, turned her head and kissed his jaw. "Sorry, it's nothing really. I _am_ lucky, and it didn't really hit me until now." Vanessa looked up, then down, and back up. "Are you wearing a different sweater."

"Unimportant story. Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm perfectly fine."

Hermann made a low humming noise, the same noise he always made when he wasn't totally convinced, but it made Vanessa smile because it reminded her of purring.

"I am. Is Leon down?"

"Newton's just doing that now. I was going for a soak."

"Oh, I'll be in when I'm done." Her hand slid down to his groin. "Save a little something for me?"

"Who else would get it?"

She kissed the corner of his mouth. "Have you ever looked at Newt's ass?"

"Only by very unfortunate accident."

Vanessa laughed, spun away from him and gave him a swat on the rear. "Go on then. Nobody ate anything; we'll be in leftovers for a week."

He left her, and she heard the water start running, and a few minutes later the jets started. Other than taking simple factual note of this, she thought nothing else of it.

Twenty minutes later when the jets turned off (automatically) and then restarted (not automatically), Vanessa wondered. There was no sound other than the rumble of the jets in the house, and that was definitely a thing to be noted. With the kitchen back in order once more, she locked the door and turned out the lights. Now it was time to see what kind of trouble Hermann had gotten himself into.

Peeking into the bathroom revealed, with the lights dimmed, not just Hermann, but he and Newt  sitting in the churning water. They were reclining against opposite ends of the tub, relaxing, with their eyes closed. Hermann was utterly still, what she was used to seeing from him, but Newt...

The water and the jets gave him buoyancy, just enough so that she could see the head of his erection rising from the water. He was very lazily stroking himself.

Immediately she wished the tub were big enough for three.

"I am desperately trying to ignore what he's doing," Hermann said quietly, just barely audible over the jets.

"You're getting off by proxy, dude. All the feeling, none of the work," Newt answered, never once slowing his hand.

"Work? It's like getting serviced by a butterfly."

"Well I am taking my time and enjoying it. That means I don't squeeze myself purple and cause friction burns. What if I do this?" Newt's other hand reached down between his legs beneath the surface.

Hermann grimaced. "Now it just feels like I need use the toilet."

Newt's hand came out of the water so quickly, he sent droplets flying across the room. "Ew, sorry, dude."

No longer could Vanessa hold back. "Are you putting on this show for me? Or are you really letting Newt service you from a distance?"

Even though Hermann frowned, he didn't deny it either. "It makes no difference. I can feel it no matter where he is. At least this way I can direct him when he does something that causes me discomfort."

Vanessa closed the door most of the way, shutting out the stray light from the bedroom, and sat on the edge of the vanity. "I want to watch."

Hermann sighed, but it wasn't of resignation, she could tell. He was just settling down into the feeling, the sensations; that was familiar body language to her.

"Newt," she said, and grabbed a hand towel, "you've not used the tub before, have you?"

"No. Why?"

She folded it neatly as she stood behind him. "Lift your head." When he did, she tucked the towel behind him to use as a cushion against the side. "Trust me. Your skull will thank you for it later." With that said, she leaned down and kissed the top of his head, smelling the fragrant vanilla bath salt in his wet hair. "You smell good enough to eat."

His hand started working a little faster. "You guys must have sex in this tub, like, every day," he said, his breath a little shorter than it had been just thirty seconds ago. "I know I would."

With one finger trailing down his shoulder and into the water to follow the length of his arm, his belly, his hip, thigh, then moved over to Hermann's thigh, Vanessa went to sit toward the opposite end of the surround. "Not every day." She laughed suddenly, and took hold of Hermann beneath the surface of the water.

Both men groaned in unison, and she hit the button to turn the jets off to better hear them.

"Do you remember the first time?" Vanessa asked, smiling widely. "We couldn't get our footing, and then we slopped half the water out on the floor, and your head was hurting because we hadn't figured out the towel." She laughed again, a little harder, snorting slightly through her nose. "Then when I jerked you off, the angle I was holding you, you almost hit yourself in the face when you came."

Newt's peal of laughter was so loud and sudden, Vanessa winced, but soon joined him.

"Newt, it was a disaster, and also the hottest and messiest sex I've ever had." She looked at him, with his eyes closed and biting his lip as his hand started to move more quickly. Hermann's face was in a similar state, and his hand was grasping the edge of the tub like a claw. "Then we tried again the next night. Still didn't learn the towel trick. How many different positions did we try to get you in my ass?"

With color high on his cheeks, from either embarrassment or excitement, Hermann said nothing.

"It was a bunch. Water is the _worst_ for that." She leaned forward, just enough to reach, but not so much to put her off-balance, and took hold of Newt to stroke them together. "But then we worked it out. It's like date night without leaving the house." Her voice was the dominant sound, backed by the sloshing of the water, and the labored breathing of the two men. "Relax in the tub, get properly drunk, then go to bed where I ask him how he wants it, and he pulls my hair and tells me I know what he wants, then he-"

Newt was the first to lose it, interrupting her story, sucking in a huge breath between his clenched teeth as he arched up (exerting all the pressure to do so in the water on the back of his head, cushioned by the washcloth). "Shit," he said with a gasp as he relaxed back in the water.

With a drawn out groan and a very satisfied grunt, Hermann followed suit.

Vanessa stood, a semi-satisified smile on her face (because she was certainly not wholly satisfied). "I appreciate that the favor will be returned in a timely fashion." She dried her hands off on another towel, dropped it so it fell over Newt's head, then returned to the bedroom. As she began to undress for bed, she listened to the two carefully extricate themselves from the tub, quietly bickering about who needed to move their legs first, and smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People hate Vanessa? What limited imaginations and fantasies they must have. Christ, she has a dirty mouth.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a tough chapter to write because there is stuff I've already written that happens later, so I have to work my way to it. Angst and feels abound, and Newt gets snippy. Also, simple German. Hope it's not offensively wrong.
> 
> I have a tumblr that is filled with random things (lots of It's Always Sunny because the universe suddenly decreed that Charlie Day is the most adorable man alive): http://echoisles.tumblr.com/
> 
> My twitter is also random stuff, but lots of fandom there: https://twitter.com/lixyewup
> 
> I'M REACHING OUT TO YOU, WORLD

Experiments were abandoned. It was a little disappointing to Newt, because it truly had been the closest he'd been to researching the kaiju since he'd left Hong Kong, but he also very firmly believed it was for the best. He put all his concentration in to music, even though it hadn't amounted to anything yet, and being very faithful to his dwindling duties at the university.

Only a few months left there, and then… He wasn't sure exactly. Maybe he could get Hermann and Vanessa to help him with a book of some sort. That would fit very nicely in with getting his musical skills back up (OK, getting them up since they'd never been quite as high as he liked to remember), and he could spend as much time as he wanted at home.

Maybe being a rockstar was overrated, because Newt really liked spending time at home where he didn't have to answer to _anyone_.

He scrolled through his options until he found the old (but _top_ classic) Godzilla movie he wanted, and started it playing. A little background noise, and just maybe he'd get Leon started early with kaiju appreciation. The kid was getting big fast, or at least it seemed like it. Newt had no experience with babies or kids, so watching Leon go from a vaguely reptilian bundle to this little person holding on to his arm as he stood on two tiny unsteady legs was pretty awe-inspiring.

"We'll get you walking in no time, Leon, and then you can terrorize daddy _all_ day. Get you running real fast so he can't catch you." Newt frowned for a moment. "But then he'll probably come after me, and he is not afraid to swing that cane at me. Change of plans. Maybe we'll just have to get you saying 'Newt rocks', all right?"

The kid was an expert babbler, had a good handle on 'mama' and 'dada', was a pro at eating solid foods now (which Newt got the blame for, for some reason)

_"He watches you shovel food into your face like a steamloader at every meal!"_

smiled all the time, and just seemed really happy. Newt wasn't good with faces, couldn't tell if Leon looked more like Vanessa or Hermann, and didn't care because he'd do just fine either way. They'd share a date, sort of, of Leon's birth and Newt's freedom from academia. He was going to get a _huge_ cake for them to celebrate.

On the days they were left alone, Newt and Leon also shared naptime. This was interrupted by the phone ringing. The phone never rang in the middle of the day. Fumbling, limbs still sleep-sluggish, he grabbed the handset. " _Newton Geiszler bei Gottlieb_."

There was a long moment of silence from the other end of the phone, then hesitantly, a woman said in an English accent, _"I'd like to speak to Vanessa or Hermann."_

"They're both at work. Can I take a message?"

_"Um, yes, please. This is Vanessa's mother. If they could call me back at their convenience."_

"Oh! Sure! Right, she should be home in a couple hours. I'll have her call you right back."

Another long silence that made Newt very nervous. From everything he'd heard, Vanessa's parents were super easy-going, but then he didn't know if they knew anything about him other than he had just answered their daughter's home phone.

_"Are you…_ Doctor _Newton Geiszler?"_

"I am! But you can call me Newt. Everyone calls me Newt, except Hermann because he is strongly against fun."

Laughter from the other end of the phone. _"All right then, Newt. Make sure Vanessa knows we'll be waiting for her call."_

"Yes, ma'am."

_"Wiederhören."_

" _Tschüss_!" It had ended better than it had started; that was all Newt ever hoped for in regard to anything. Though he had a nugget of concern in his gut now (totally unfounded he knew) that this was the pre… No, not that. This was the first step toward those awkward family meetings Hermann had mentioned. A visit, a conversation, accusations, a wedge forced between parents and daughter…

He took a deep breath. Newt didn't know the people. Why should he disagree with both Hermann and Vanessa's assessment of the situation? There was no point in freaking out over it. Shit, it wasn't like they were giving him custody of Leon; it was only in case of a horrible accident. Newt was wholly confident Leon would be an adult and able to look after himself before anything happened to Hermann or Vanessa.

Text was the polite thing to do when Newt was unsure of Hermann's schedule, so he sent a quick apology if he'd let anything too intense loose (especially without explanation). No doubt it could be easily mistaken as panic over Leon. Leon who was still soundly asleep on the cozy little bed Newt had made of just a folded blanket on the floor. Settling back against the couch, he restarted the movie.

***

"My mother called. She was actually very happy to talk to Newt, even though she was very surprised when he answered the phone."

"When are they coming?"

"Hermann, you are so negative."

Newt ate silently. This would play out between the two without any need of his input. He'd only answered the phone, after all.

"I'm not being negative. I just asked when they'd be here. That's why she called, isn't it?"

"Yes, but you don't need to sound so grumpy and superior about it. They can stay at a h-"

"No!"

Newt wanted to shrink into nothing, feeling like a child again, watching while his parents argued. Maybe he could explain the situation better to each of them, because he could feel how tired Hermann was even though the man didn't show it. Quietly, he cleared his throat as he set his fork down.

"You're excused, Newton."

Well. The timidity he'd been feeling was wiped away in an instant. "I'm not here for you to excuse, Hermann. If you're going to get all snappy and dickish because you're tired and having a tough time at work, you don't get to treat me like your kid. And I sure hope you don't treat Leon like that either, because it sucks." Newt shoved his chair away from the table. "You know what, thanks. I _am_ done. And I'll do you the favor." He stood, very aware of the eyes watching him, freed Leon from his highchair, and went to the green and blue sanctuary of the child's room.

Once he shut the door, Newt collapsed into the rocking chair, feeling his arms and legs tremble.

Leon looked at him with wide confused eyes, and Newt had no idea why, but he wanted to cry. How did he manage to save the entire damned world when he couldn't even handle a little domestic issue without having an attack? This was all just-

_I'm sorry._

It was too late for sorries. "Fu-" Newt bit his lip hard as he looked at Leon. "Frick. Frick. Fricking frick how is this my fault? What did I do?"

_You were right._

Maybe he was meant to be alone, never cultivating a long-term relationship, because these were the kinds of things that happened, and he couldn't deal with that in a healthy, normal way. He could face a kaiju, no matter how terrified, but one argument built on pillars of stress and exhaustion and Newt was sent running. "I'd be a horrible dad," Newt said to Leon.

Leon didn't seem to agree with that, and smiled. He still had food smeared at the corner of his mouth.

"Jeez, were you even done eating, little guy? I'm sorry, just yanking you away from dinner like that." Newt wetted the cuff of his shirt with his own spit and gently wiped Leon's face. If only he could be half as happy as the kid, his life would probably be a lot better.

_Don't hide._

He wanted to yell. Silent apologies was hiding. Getting in the faces of one another, that was… Newt deflated. Arguing accomplished nothing. _I feel like shit._ He'd gotten good over the years at tuning out Hermann, and that included his silent voice, no matter how many apologies offered by it (carried with all the intentions and feeling in it that sometimes got lost in verbal communication).

It was a good thing the connection was able to help him, because it certainly caused him to need that help on more than one occasion. Fucking grouch. If it were at all possible to go very far away from Hermann, Newt would be well on his way, but since that wasn't an option… That fucking grouch. "Don't take your shit out on me, Hermann."

"I owe you an apology," the man said from the doorway.

"Whatever."

"You were right, and I spoke without thinking. Vanessa's angry as well; it's only right that you are." He shrugged, and that was when Newt really noticed how heavily he was leaning on his cane. "It's been stressful. No excuses."

"So you're still hiding shit. Dude, you don't have to. I can deal with it, help you deal with it." He stood up in a hurry. "Here, sit down. Come on, like we're not used to you being in a shitty mood because of whatever you're dealing with a the university. Give me and Vanessa a little more credit."

Hermann eased himself down in the rocking chair with an audible sigh. "You shouldn't have to deal with it. Neither of you should have to he-"

"We do it because we want to, not because we have to." If Newt hadn't been still holding Leon, he would have been flailing his arms. "So if you're in a shitty mood, just say it. It's fine. Then we'll make cupcakes or brownies or those little bite-sized cheesecake things, and we'll get over it. Together."

As if to emphasize the point, Leon swatted him in the face.

"Can't argue with that."

Making himself look even more tired, Hermann managed a smile. "You're right." He held out his arms, and Newt immediately handed over Leon. "There are expectations now. They want results for questions and problems that they can't even articulate."

Newt leaned against the changing table and nodded. "They want a repeat performance, but don't get that it was a one night only type of thing."

"Exactly. Excelling at the known, beyond anything they can comprehend, is now status quo. I am at my wit's end. If they don't understand my work, nothing short of saving the world again will impress them."

"Burden of being a genius, man."

Hermann huffed. "Quite."

"Better now?"

"A bit."

"Do you need to go apologize to Vanessa or something for being an ass?"

"I was an ass to you. Not to her. Her parents will be visiting next month." He grimaced. "I hate to impose on you, but-"

Newt waved it off. "I'm used to couch surfing."

"It won't be more than a few days. They'll be here to see Leon, that's all. No extended stays to 'help' or any of that nonsense. They're actually very good in-laws. Better than my family is for Vanessa."

That raised the question that Newt pretty much already knew the answer to, but wanted it confirmed anyway: "So your family, they won't be…?"

"No. I might get a call sometime in the indistinct future from my sister, but by now, it will have nothing to do with Leon."

Newt was quiet after that, looking at, but not seeing Hermann and Leon in the chair. "Hermann, I think I want to go see my mom."

"All right."

"I said, I want to go see my mom. In Berlin. She still lives there."

"I understand that, Newton. I hope she's well and you enjoy yourself."

"Well you'll know first hand because you have to come with me, dude. It's, like, three hundred miles. I'm not testing that kind of distance. So… road trip? You don't have to visit her with me. I'm sure you've got all kinds of stuff you can do in Berlin, right?"

Hermann narrowed his eyes. "You don't want me to go with you to see her."

With a shrug, Newt looked down at his feet and scuffed the carpet. "It would just be weird to explain. She's into music, not science. Telling her I drifted with a kaiju brain? I might as well just say I walked on the moon, that would make more sense. I just…" He looked at Hermann, who was still eyeing him suspiciously. "You and me, we've got shit in common. Even before we started sharing a brain."

"You think I'll look down on her. You think I'll disparage your mother."

Newt shrugged again and jammed his hands into his pockets. "It maybe crossed my mind. I mean she's great, not like some piano teacher. She knows her shit when it comes to anything about music. Composing, theory, she can play a bunch of different instruments, history, but she's just not… It's not a hard science, and I know how that's a big deal to you."

"Newton, please, would I do such a thing? Honestly, do you believe I would do that? If you don't want me to meet her, you are free to say so. Just don't assign such awful behavior to me when you know better."

A strangled laugh, too shrill, burst forth from Newt. "I have no idea what to say to her."

Hermann stood, Leon nearly asleep and draped over his shoulder, and put his hand on Newt's shoulder. "How about, ' _Hallo, Mutter. Ich bin ein Rockstar_ '?"

"Doesn't sound as good when I say it. Can't roll my r's like you do."

Three days later: " _Hallo, Mutter. Ich bin ein Rockstar_."

She threw her arms around him, squeezing him as tightly as her slight frame allowed. "Oh, my little Newtie!"

Behind them, Hermann snorted. _I thought only your mother called you doctor._

"Ahem, Mom, this is my colleague and friend, Dr. Hermann Gottlieb." He attempted to gently pry her off. "We saved the world together."

"Pleased to meet you. I-"

She suddenly held Newt at arm's length to look at him. "Oh, Newtie!" She glanced around her son to look at Hermann. "And Hermi! Come in and I'll make tea!" Then she rushed inside, not waiting for them.

Newt didn't even need to look to know Hermann was glaring at him. "I come by it honest, dude. What can I say?"

The house was pretty much as he remembered it, dustier maybe, but little had changed by way of decor. The big pillowy chair in the front room, next to the bookcase stuffed full. A guitar on a stand in the corner. The upright piano, the wood worn, but well-cared for, against the wall. Newt ran his hand across the fall. He'd never really cared for the piano, but this was certainly a comfortable memory.

"Tuned just last week," his mother said as she looked at him from the kitchen. "But I'm afraid my ear isn't quite what it used to be."

Newt lifted the fall and smiled at the perfect black and white keys. He settled his fingers, still standing, and played 'You Are My Sunshine' in G. "Sounds good to me." He closed the fall and looked over at his mother, who was just standing there and smiling at him. "Do you still play the organ at the church?"

"No, but I have access to it, if you want to play it. Have you gotten any better at it?"

Laughing, Newt shook his head. "Nope. Not much of a call for pipe organs in the PPDC." He looked at Hermann, who was just standing and watching. "I know a lot of people think bagpipes sound terrible, but they don't know terrible until they hear a badly played organ. Not _that_ kind of organ."

Hermann rolled his eyes, then when he saw Newt looking pointedly at him, nodded.

"Hey, Mom, I need to talk to you about something." He moved to the kitchen while Hermann stayed in the front room. "This is kind of a long and confusing story."

"Oh? Is it something about your _friend_?"

There was no mistaking the emphasis or what she was implying by it.

"No, it's not like that." Newt slid into the rickety wooden chair at the small table. Same chairs he remembered, same table; the scrollwork on the legs was one of a kind now. Nobody made tables like this anymore. "Hermann and I aren't like that. It's more complicated than that."

"You know I don't care about those kinds of things, Newtie." But she kept her back to him, fussing too entirely much over the tea. "Whatever makes you happy…"

"No, there was an accident, and it's a really confusing situation."

"...why haven't you come to visit me, Newt? I haven't talked to you in so long."

Oh shit. The sound of the chair squeaking across the wooden floor filled the house as Newt pushed it out. "Hey, come on, you know why. I've been working my nutsack off for _ten years_! I can't drop everything to talk to you just because."

"I'm your mother, Newt!"

"It was the entire world at stake!" His voice was rising involuntarily into a shout, but he couldn't seem to stop it from reaching that volume. "I'm sorry I was trying to stop everyone on the planet, _including you_ , from dying! I'm sorry that sometimes there's more important shit to deal with than you, and that Dad went looking for greener pastures, and that I couldn't be here when Uncle Gunter died even though he was my favorite person in the whole world because there are things more important than what _I_ want! Nobody gave a shit about what I wanted when I was fourteen! What makes you think things are suddenly so different now? What?"

_Pull back, Newton._

But it was too late. He'd tipped once again, and this was the exact reason he'd been so hesitant to see his mother. He knew she was hurt by his lack of contact, but there were sacrifices made by everyone, and that had to include her. "You think it doesn't hurt me?" When did his voice get so shrill? "Shuffled from place to place, eating cafeteria food, sleeping in a tiny metal room, no thanks, just constant demands? I had nobody."

But his mother was not without her moments; she could fight when she was truly pushed to it. "And when your father left-"

"You had all of this. You had a house, and everything else you loved. You lost one person, and had all the chances to start a new life." _Fucking stop me, Hermann. Please stop me. It's killing her._ "I had none of that.

"I never told you to move to America!"

"No, you didn't. You just guilted and shamed me when I did. So good job, Mom. Thanks. Getting emancipated in Massachusetts was a super great time because you couldn't get your act together."

There might as well have been a noise accompanying the sudden look of heartbreak in his mother's eyes, the betrayal there.

"Fuck." Staying one more second would be possibly the worst mistake of his life, so Newt turned and walked away. "Come on, Hermann. Sorry I wasted your time." As he walked out of the house, Hermann followed him, but once the door was shut, Newt stopped on the walk. "I fucked that up. Bad. I wish she'd yell at me the way you used to."

"I still can if it would help."

Newt laughed humorlessly. "A pity shout. How sad is that? Shit. I should have just emailed her. Why did I think this was a good idea?"

"Because you wanted to see her."

Simple as that, and that was all it took to break Newt down in that moment, sending him crying into Hermann's arms.

***

It took a week of guilty sleepless nights before he got the courage to email his mother. A proper email. One filled with apology and explanation, pictures of all of them, no matter how awkward and annoyed Hermann appeared, and more apologies.

The pictures were Newt's favorite part. He didn't realize there'd been so many taken of him with Leon. Or that one that Hermann had protested mightily before being shushed by Vanessa of him and Newt asleep on the couch, leaning against each other. Or the one he wasn't sure about sending to his mother of him and Vanessa sharing a quick kiss in the kitchen.

Though it _was_ pretty mind blowing to know Hermann had taken that picture and not said a damned word about it. The man still had surprises tucked away in the corners. Newt could only hope he still had some as well.

"She knows I'm close now. And moving on. Happy. Maybe…" Newt's finger hovered over the key that would send the email.

"There's no way to know if you don't send it."

Still his finger hovered.

Vanessa's finger pushed down on his, and the email was sent. "No turning back."

Newt hadn't been able to turn back on anything for the past seven years of his life. How was this really any different?


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuff happens, and then Newt makes a move, and Hermann figures something out.

"No way! Won't that be weird? I mean, what if they catch me walking out of your room in the morning or something?"

"Newt, if we tell them what's going on, it won't matter. They'd probably think it was stranger that you didn't."

"Wait. _If_ we tell them? I thought that was already decided. I do not need this kind of stress right now!"

Vanessa took him in her arms, his face pressed into her shoulder. "Hush. You won't spend one night on the couch. I won't allow it." She carded her fingers through the hair on the back of his neck. "Have you heard from your mother?"

"Just the once. I think she's still upset, but getting over it. I never, ever talked to her like that before." He sighed heavily. "You think it'll be all right?"

"I know it. And it'll be hardly a blip on their radar while they're occupied with Leon. I don't know if my mother ever thought she'd be a grandmother. Just make sure you wear something more than your underwear."

"Yes, ma'am." He clutched her tightly for a moment, then released her. "This is going to be some kind of major step, isn't it?"

"Like a coming out? I suppose, but it's not like we'll be parading through the streets. Hermann would never stand for it."

Newt snickered before he was drawn into an unexpected kiss by Vanessa. It really was the most effective way to get him to relax even if it did feel a little like cheap manipulation whenever it happened. There was, however, not a thing wrong with making Newt turn his concentration all on her because that amounted to a really amazing and astounding thing. With Hermann there to temper him, the two could drag it out for _hours_. "Right here, right now," she breathed heavily into his ear.

"Aren't your parents supposed to be here at any second?"

"Yes."

Under his breath, Newt said something that might have been, "Ohhh shit," before he pushed her against the counter and started to undo her pants.

"Really? Do either of you realize that is a food preparation surface? There is a perfectly fine couch over there, and every time it's there. Honestly."

Vanessa laughed, then held her hand out to her husband. "Put Leon in his swing, out of view, and do this before my parents show up."

"The two of you are a terrible influence."

"Leon's too young to understand."

"Not on him. On me."

***

Three days, in the grand scheme of things, was not very long. It had certainly gone quicker than the hour they'd all sat around the table and had a very frank discussion about just what was going on. Newt had wanted to be out of the room when Vanessa's parents (two very nice and lovely people, and she'd been right: Newt liked her dad a lot) were told what the situation was, but Hermann's hold on his arm had been uncompromising.

Most of the time, he looked at the little point in the middle of the table where all the grain came together during manufacturing and gripped his thighs hard where nobody could see them. There was one thing that stuck out to him, made it all a little less worrying, and sticks in his head long after the moment passed.

_"Dad, Hermann is my husband. Newt is our partner. He is Leon's godfather. He is one of the two smartest men in the world. He and Hermann will argue over which is top of the list."_

Our partner. Not Vanessa's thing on the side. Not housemate. Not Hermann's colleague who has to remain in close vicinity to him. Our partner.

"Hermann, do you really feel that way?"

"What, Newton?"

"That I'm your and Vanessa's partner."

Hermann gave him such a withering look, it reminded Newt of the first time they'd met. "Of course." He lowered his voice. "I would not _share_ my wife with just any man Vanessa decided had a cute ass."

Newt turned around and gave Hermann a coy look. "Do you really think it's cute?" He was standing close enough so that the strike with the cane didn't hurt that much. "You-you get where I'm coming from, right?"

"I do, and I stand by my statement."

It was a simple thing, an easy thing for him, to put his arm around Hermann's shoulders, not even considering in general how little Hermann liked such gestures, but Newt did. And, as he pulled Hermann to him, shoulder to shoulder, he felt the other mean lean into it. "You're a good friend, man."

"As are you, Newton. When you're not being insufferable."

***

Three days. Things were settled, and it came as a huge relief for Newt. It was a weight he hadn't even realized he'd been carrying, not even during _the discussion._

"I think they were just happy I turned out _this_ normal. Dad had all kinds of dire predictions about when I was modeling, about me becoming some kind of junkie, getting exploited by my manager, turning into some kind of fashion show whore… He's very dramatic when it suits him."

"He was cool. It's still a little weird, I guess. Sorry." Newt had never talked to anyone about his relationships. Never talked to his parents or his uncle about them, didn't talk to any of his girlfriends' parents. They'd always just been a thing between himself and her. This had been putting it all out on display, no matter that they were all adults (for fuck's sake, he and Hermann were bordering on middle age).

"Are you worried?"

"Don't think so. Think I need some time to let it sink in that I just divulged my deepest secrets to a couple of strangers." He smiled at her as he folded back the comforter.

"Newt, please, there's no way that was your deepest secret."

He shrugged. "I'm pretty boring, I guess. Nothing else I'd really consider a secret; just all plain male fantasy. Contrary to what Hermann might have told you, I am not into kaiju dick."

"He _might_ have said something like that once, but he was angry. I didn't think it was a serious accusation." Vanessa laid out the veritable mountain of pillows and shook her head. "The two of you and your pillows. It was bad enough when I had to deal with just Hermann's." She suddenly pointed at Newt. "And you, you only use two pillows anyway. Every morning, you've knocked all the others on the floor."

"But I have the option of those others if I want them." He scoffed. "Two pillows? You're more like Hermann than you know. Who's counting pillows? That's like counting how much sugar I put in my tea."

"Three. Not an outrageous amount, for someone that's so American."

Newt threw his hands up in the air. "All right, I give up. I use three sugars and too many pillows. Take me away to domesticity prison."

"Oh, honey, you're already in it."

"And no handcuffs?" A sudden glint in Vanessa's eyes made Newt's mouth go dry.

But that was gone almost as quickly as it appeared. "So we're all right?"

"Yeah, it's fine. I'm putting all my trust in you, just so you know." He'd never put all his trust in anyone other than Hermann. It was mostly terrifying.

***

Vanessa laced their fingers together so that their rings rested against one another. "I think Newt needs a ring." She lifted their hands and kissed Hermann's palm. "He proposed after all."

"Shouldn't you talk to him about this?"

"I think we should all be involved in these things. It's more fun when we do things together." Vanessa folded their arms across her chest so that his hand settled on her breast. "You'd tell me," she said in a subdued voice, "if you were jealous."

"Of course." He kissed her temple. "I wish I could explain it to you. Words aren't adequate to truly express it though. We're extensions of one another, but more than that. It's something like… watching a video of us and getting jealous of it. When he's happy, I'm happy. When you're happy, I'm happy. When you're happy together…"

Vanessa released his hand and turned, keeping her body firmly against his as she did so, until they were face to face. "Hermann Gottlieb, I love you, you gorgeous man." With her fingertips on his cheekbone, Vanessa kissed him, banishing the topic of jealousy completely.

This was how they used to kiss, when she was still so fascinated by the shape of his face, before she'd learned it thoroughly. Lips slanted, together, her hands following the contours of his face, scrubbing through his hair (she didn't understand why he'd subjected himself to this abomination of a cut; terrible barbers in the PPDC is all she could fathom) and mussing it. And then the long exploration of his body, something she was sure nobody else knew was beneath his overly conservative clothing. It was her secret, that spot on his ribs that was ticklish and what his bare arms looked like whenever he flexed or stretched…

As someone put on display, she cherished the idea that these things were just for her, and never tried to change the way he dressed (only alter his patterns and colors a little). Vanessa pulled away, laughing lightly. "Do you remember when we went out for our first anniversary? And the maitre'd thought you were my father?"

Hermann hummed, looking at her with hooded eyes. "And then you called me 'daddy' that night. I'm still not sure how I feel about that."

Reaching between them to guide him, Vanessa put her leg over his hip, and wriggled her way down onto him. "You loved it."

And she received a single hard thrust in return for her cheekiness. "I loved how tickled you were by the whole thing." His hand flattened on her back, across her rib cage as he repeated the action, driving a gasp from her. "You were so beautiful that night…"

"I'm not now?"

"Not at all."

Vanessa slapped his chest as she laughed. "You're such a shithead." They locked eyes, both smiling, and after a moment, Hermann nodded. Together, they rolled so that he was on his back and was on top of him. He winced, and Vanessa started to move, to take her weight off him, but his hands dug hard into her hips, holding her in place.

It was slow, slower than she liked because she had to watch how much force she put on his hip and leg, and that was the only reason she asked, "What is Newt doing now? It's late."

Hermann bucked up into her. "Masturbating. Before three minutes ago? No idea."

She started laughing and lost her rhythm. That only allowed him to flip her to her back, while she was still laughing, and hitch up her leg. The laughter died, replaced by her gasping. All she had to do was look at Hermann's arm, the muscles standing out as he braced himself, to be moments from orgasm. And then the flex as he lowered himself to kiss her breathless.

For some reason she couldn't pinpoint, it was good, _really good_ , that night, and she came loudly, writhing  underneath him, gripping his arms, the sheets, the pillow as he kept moving and wringing every last bit of full-body fluttering from her. Until she was limp, and happy, and sweaty and breathless, and he held her close as he had his own shuddering climax.

"Even talking about calling you daddy gets you worked up."

Breathing heavily, trickles of sweat slowly running off his neck, Hermann just shook his head. A trio of slow kisses, and then he moved, returned to his spot on the bed next to her.

They lay there silently, satiated and near sleep, for a few minutes until Newt came staggering into the room, looking vaguely like he'd been in some sort of accident with a large truck. He said nothing as he wobbled over to the bed and flopped down in it next to Vanessa. He seemed to be asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

"I think that's one vote for daddy."

"Hush. But how is he first asleep?" Hermann whispered. "He did nothing. He masturbated in his room."

"Does it matter?"

He spooned up behind Vanessa as she let her hand rest on Newton's hip. As he kissed the back of her neck and fondled her breast, she started grinding back on him once more. Her eyes were firmly on the sleeping Newt, and she imagined Hermann's were as well, which only made her more excited.

Hermann had never asked, trusted that she would have come to him, but the situation had been worrisome at first. She'd been worried for Hermann's life after watching him suffer for three days, then a stranger coming into their house while she was fit to burst with Leon, the talk about just what was happening to their brains and how it was changing them, and then the talk about Newt himself.

It seemed a much longer time ago than months. It felt like years, and they'd just been this way since the start. No doubt it was a very direct product of this brain business (the best way she could think of it because both of them insisted it was too hard to explain), that the two men had fallen into familiar habits even while they became more and more like one another, but there would always be those differences.

Physically, of course. That wouldn't change, or so seemed apparent for the time being. They were still an oddly matched pair of personalities as well, ones that complemented one another. While maybe in the "real world" they'd come closer to killing one another than saving the world, the pressure they'd been under and now this new way to communicate had made them a perfect set. It was exactly why she liked to see them together, liked to watch their hands mingle on her skin, feel the differences in the both of them…

"I want you in me again."

"You are out of luck, my darling. You've managed to reduce us both to exhaustion."

Vanessa made a soft sound of disappointment before snuggling down under the covers and against Hermann. "You owe me one."

"I owe you several."

"Keeping track?"

"You thought all that on the blackboards was theoretical physics?"

She turned and kissed him hard, teeth clicking together. "I love you."

 

It wasn't quite five in the morning yet, and he'd been asleep less than three hours. Something roused him just enough to groan. Vanessa shifted closer to him, the warmth of her body drawing in close to his. Her lips worked sleepily, but insistently over his, and the klaxons went off in his mind. Those were not Vanessa's lips.

Hermann's eyes opened, his exhaustion banished in an instant, to find himself nose-to-nose with Newton.

Newton's green eyes opened slowly, a small smile curling the corners of his mouth. When he appeared conscious enough to take in the moment, his expression didn't change at all. In fact, he mumbled quietly, "I love you, Hermann." Then his eyes closed, and he was back asleep, breathing deeply with his hand resting on Hermann's thigh.

Men were not Hermann's interest at all, never had been. As far as he knew, Newton was the same way. His taste in women ran a little more to the alternative side of things, but it was always women. Suddenly, this, and while shocked, Hermann couldn't find an ounce of revulsion in any of it. Awake now, too confused to go back to sleep, _wanting_ to solve this mystery, he stared at Newton.

It had been a non-stop fascination that he couldn't explain almost since the day Newton had arrived at the house, and here, now, Hermann decided was a good time to indulge. Gently, so as not to wake Newton back up, he ran his hand through the thick crop of unruly hair.

He wasn't interested in men, but he loved Newton. Loved him beyond the fact that they were part of one another.

 

The bed dipping behind him woke him enough to realize it was Vanessa settling into place. She must have been up with Leon. That was what his sleep-fuzzed mind came up with. It completely ignored the fact that he was cradling Newton's head and their feet were tangled.

"He took my spot," she whispered as she kissed the back of his neck.

Then the warmth of her soaked into Hermann's back as she pressed up against him, and her arm draped over his side. He grunted, shifting more into her, and making Newton roll forward so his face was pressed into Hermann's chest.

And it was fine to fall back asleep that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That parents thing gave loads of trouble. I have a specific picture of them, but it was just too bloated to really include it all, so I went with brevity to the point of ether instead. But they agree to everything and like Newt, and it's all good.
> 
> And yeah, Hermann and Newt, they'll fuck eventually. It's already written so I can't go back on it.
> 
> My tumblr for random things: http://echoisles.tumblr.com/  
> My twitter for random things: https://twitter.com/lixyewup
> 
> (I do appreciate everyone who reads this and enjoys it for what it is: wordy fluff.)


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well you should have locked the bathroom door, Hermann. If you didn't think this was going to happen, you're not as smart as you believe you are.

Newton kissed him again the following day, much to Vanessa's amusement.

"Newton!"

Even Leon made little smacking noises and laughed.

"Newton, please!" They were all working against him.

But the man only smiled at him, hand still on his arm where he'd grabbed it before the kiss. "Is that a 'Newton, please!', or a 'Newton, _please_ ,'?"

Hermann attempted to brush his hand off, but it was a much weaker gesture than intended. "That meant please don't do that again." _no matter how good and exciting it felt and Vanessa watched and smiled and it's all going that way isn't it?_

With a shrug, Newt released him, though his green eyes still sparkled with amusement. "OK."

Hermann stared, unsure of what to make of things, feeling completely flustered. He was out of sorts for the rest of the day. Sparkled. He had assessed Newton's eyes as green (a statement of fact) and _sparkling_.

Out. Of. Sorts.

 

Out of sorts, yes, but still feeling reasonably well enough for the shower instead of the bath. There was a bench built into the wall, but often even sitting wasn't enough for his leg and hip because he had to stretch in odd directions to wash. But for tonight, he'd give it a go while he was almost pain-free. He was just about to soap himself down when the shower door opened.

"Hey, Herm." Newton stepped in and immediately ducked under the spray. "You using that soap?"

"Newton!"

"Here, let me help you."

All protestations were ignored _he didn't try very hard afraid to touch him afraid to go down that road any faster_ as Newton took the soap from his hand, lathered it up and ran one soapy hand down Hermann's chest.

The hand was sliding across his stomach before Hermann acted, something between guilty desire and the preservation of his self-identity _not gay_ overcoming his shock.

"I'm not either," Newton said as he took hold of Hermann and began to pump in slow and measured strokes. "Doesn't feel that way with you though. Just... normal. Like, 'oh, Hermann's showering. I need a shower too. Might as well do it together' normal. And, you know, right down the drain when you're done."

"S-stop talking, Newton." Though his eyes were closed, he knew the man was smiling smugly at him. "And stop smiling like that. It annoys me."

"I can't help that-"

Hermann silenced him with an open-mouthed kiss. There was no arguing it: it did feel normal, as normal as kissing Vanessa. Normal and perfect, and the bath was nice, but Hermann prefered the shower at home when he was able because the slide of skin upon skin was so much more satisfying this way. He grabbed the bar bolted to the tiled wall to help his balance even while he held Newt by the back of his neck with the other.

_Newt! Finally! I'll never get tired of hearing it from you._

Hermann growled into the kiss. _Shut up. You will never hear that from my mouth._

But Newton's giddiness was a palpable thing, no matter how hard Hermann kissed him, where he slid his hand on Newton's neck, tugged on his hair, or forced him against the shower wall.

"Jesus, Hermann, this side of you is so fucking hot," Newton said after tearing his mouth away. "No wonder Vanessa's all over you."

"Newton..."

"What?"

That insufferable grin again, the one the man always got when he knew he'd won. Hermann leaned into him again, stealing a quick, guilty kiss, before shutting his eyes. "Don't stop." There was that sinking, sick feeling in his gut again, the one that meant he/Newton was horribly, undeniably, desperately _wanting_. With his right hand still clenching the bar, keeping his weight from his bad leg, Hermann leaned forward again to press Newton against the wall and breathe heavily across his ear.

The hand that had been clutching the back of Newton's neck wandered, just fingertips at first tracking down the tattoos. That turned into his whole hand over Newton's ribs, sliding down the man's side, a tentative movement that he had to concentrate on and not think about that rough and soft hand on him, hitting all the right spots at the right pace and pressure.

But when he got to Newton's hip, his hand and arm froze.

"I don't bite, dude. Don't be scared."

Hermann wanted to protest, that he was certainly not scared, of Newton of all people, and how insulting he found the idea of such an accusation. He didn't though; maybe he was scared, and embarrassed, and a little ashamed for being scared. Luckily he didn't need to try to explain any of that, and Newton knew exactly what to do.

With a firm grasp, Newton took hold of his immobile hand and dragged it down to his (thankfully unadorned) erection. A deep breath, like he might say something, but Newton just kissed along his jawline, moving down to suck on the flesh of his throat.

Hermann waited for the unspoken urging, thoughts of encouragement from Newton, but there was only silence in their connection other than the heightened buzz of pleasure they were sharing. It was a twitch, a spasm of his hand followed by pressure from Newton and the man's resulting hiss that spurred him on. The buzzing increased, turning into a pulsing that Hermann could feel in every molecule of his body, the unbuffered sensation drove him to duplicate Newton's movements, though less steady.

There was no mistaking the feel of Newton smiling, not with the scratch of his half-formed beard against his skin, and then the swipe of his tongue, and the sucking on the junction between his neck and shoulder. Hard, bruising suction, and before do more than furrow his brow at the nearly painful sensation, his stomach dropped from the load of stimulation, and he was jerking his hips, splattering his come over Newton's hand.

The groan was felt more than heard as Newton pressed his face into Hermann's neck, and did the same. A few shuddering seconds that way under the water, and then Newton pulled Hermann's head down to kiss him. He opened his mouth for a moment after the kiss ended, as if to speak, but just shook his head, his bangs falling into his eyes. Newton retrieved the abandoned soap and washed them both down, all without speaking.

It must have been some kind of record.

Hermann spun around and dropped heavily to the bench, utterly exhausted and water-logged.

Newton shut off the water, finally talking and with obvious concern. "You doing OK, Hermann?"

"I never finished my shower," he said in a daze.

"Here, let me help." Newton disappeared from the shower for a few moments, and when he reappeared, there was a towel around his waist. "Here you go. Come on, lean on me."

"You've helped enough, Newton." Hermann leaned back, relaxing against the cool, damp tile. "I don't mean that in an unkind way."

That perked him up immediately. "I'm glad. Happy to help."

"I just want to go to bed." It hadn't been his intention to go to bed after showering, but all of his energy had been sapped. He was drained physically and mentally, forced to face a truth he'd been unwilling to see. It wasn't horrible, wasn't life-ending or even life-defining. It had been satisfying, fulfilling both sexually and emotionally. It wasn't just a physical thing between them, which had apparently been something he'd been very worried about and not even known. "I'm just tired," he added lamely, thinking he'd been spacing out, thinking about what he'd just done.

"It's cool," Newt replied quietly, setting the towel across Hermann's lap when he didn't accept it. "You need a shoulder to lean on?"

"Yes, please." With great effort, he pulled himself up by the bar, his legs basically loose rubber, and leaned against Newton to put the towel around himself.

"You want your clothes?" The voice was soft, concerned but not worried, in his ear, and Newton's hand was a solid presence on his lower back.

Hermann grunted in reply, not really caring one way or the other, and the matter was dropped. He was helped out of the shower, out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom; neither of them were concerned with retrieving his cane for the time being.

"You dry enough for bed?"

"It's fine." Under usual circumstances, Newton's treatment of him would be infuriating, but he was so tired, Hermann actually welcomed it.

"Here, just lay down and relax. You want something to drink? Eat?"

Newton's arm was strong around his back as he lowered him slowly. "No, thank you, Newton."

_Are you really OK?_

The wave of concern and sleepy, sluggish satisfaction from the shower made Hermann clutch Newton's hand before allowing him to go.

"Just make sure you're in the middle. Need plenty of room on both sides," he said with a reassuring smile. "Think you need a double snuggle tonight."

Hermann snorted, and remained in place.

"Telling you, dude, move over or one of us will just have to lay all on top of you. Hint: it's gonna be me."

Another snort.

"You know I'll do it, and I'll totally enjoy it. If you ask nicely, I might even be dressed."

There was something about the look on Newton's face, somewhere between clever and what Hermann guessed was supposed to be alluring, that forced him to suppress a laugh. "Are you trying to _tempt_ me? Because you look like you're about to vomit."

"You know you like me. I'll even shave."

"Get dressed and get out of here."

"See, I don't even believe you're mad. In fact, you just want to watch me, have me put on a little show for you."

Before Hermann could rebuke that ridiculous notion-

"But! Since you're being so grouchy, you're not going to get it." Newton gathered his stack of neatly folded clothing and left the room without a glance back.

Somehow, a single moment together and Newton believed there was something more… But the denial Hermann continued to hold on to felt hollow. Ash or vapor, clay that turned to dust when he inspected it too closely. Inspected it too closely and then couldn't say it was anything other than dust, no matter how solid he'd believed it to be before.

Maybe...

 

"He'll be angry," Vanessa whispered.

"I warned him. I flat out said it to his face if he didn't move over I was going to sleep on top of him." Newt shifted, trying to find a position that fit them both. "He's not very comfortable though."

Slipping into her normal space in the bed, Vanessa said, "Let me see what I can do." Newt removed himself atop her husband, but had only a sliver of mattress to lay on. Very lightly she ran her hands across Hermann's chest and arms, down his side and across his hip until he turned to her, still mostly asleep.

That allowed Newt to scoot up behind, where he sighed in relaxation loudly. His arm was slung across Hermann's side. "He's gonna be so mad when he wakes up." But Newt kissed one shoulder blade and fell asleep like that anyway.

 

Newt walked quietly to the table where he greeted Vanessa with a tight smile, but didn't say a word. Instead, he just looked nervously to Hermann. He'd been the last to wake up that morning so hadn't seen any sort of reaction from Hermann. Sure, Vanessa told him it was fine, that a little dalliance in the shower was no big deal, but each of them were aware this was a rather large step for them.

After several minutes of silence, Newt was fit to burst. "Hermann!"

"Yes, Newton?" Calm and collected, and infuriating.

"We gonna talk about that or what?"

Finally the man raised his head from the paper he'd been reading to meet his gaze at him, an oddly quizzical look on his face. "Talk?"

"About yesterday. Yesterday night. In the shower. I mean, I'd kinda like to get an idea on how m-"

But Hermann just leaned over and kissed his chastely on the cheek. "That's not an appropriate topic for breakfast, Newton."

And for some reason, Newt was the one blushing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shower scenes suck.
> 
> I want to clarify that Hermann is not being homophobic in his denial of being gay. He's just getting his self-perception and identity turned completely upside-down and is understandably bothered by this. He will continue to identify as heterosexual because his connection with Newt is something not so easily explained just by average gender attraction. Not that he would ever bother to explain it to anyone; it's nobody's business.
> 
> http://echoisles.tumblr.com/


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tab A goes into Slot B.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fanmix created just for this part: [One Night Only](http://grooveshark.com/#!/playlist/One+Night+Only/90215233)
> 
> [One Night Only with chintzy 'cover' art](http://echoislesfandom.tumblr.com/post/60788449352/one-night-only-fanmix) (The "art" is not great because my mouse decided to randomly crap out while doing it, so I got frustrated and ended up doing far too little work on it, but decided the individual pictures are too cute not to display.)
> 
> For very random things (mostly various screencaps): [Echo Isles tumblr](http://echoisles.tumblr.com/)  
> For fandom related stuff (still random): [Echo Isles fandom stuff](http://echoislesfandom.tumblr.com/)  
> And [For tweets and junk](https://twitter.com/lixyewup)

Kissing Newton had become his guilty pleasure, though with each one was becoming less guilty and more... More. There was a strange, vibrant energy he gave off that nothing in the drift or the hive mind could explain. When they were kissing, mouths open, tongues sliding against each other, Newton pressing forcefully against his body, Hermann could taste it.

It wasn't weird, it had never been weird, because they were the same. It was a loop, just constant feedback of pleasure when they were together. It didn't matter that Newton didn't have Vanessa's soft curves or breasts, or that he waited too long between shaving, or that there was no avoiding feeling his erection against his leg. Hermann didn't care that his hands were wider and rougher when they reached into his pants, or that when he came from being jerked off there were two messes that needed cleaning up and his hand was on someone else's ( _Newt's_ ) cock.

It shouldn't have shocked him when Newton curled next to him on the bed, draped his colorful arms over his body, the both of them shirtless, and said, "Dude, I wanna fuck you."

But it did because of the sudden drop in his gut and the racing of his heart caused by the intense pleasure at hearing those words. Hermann swallowed thickly, knowing he couldn't hide that feeling, only deflect it for the time being. "Newton, you would willingly fuck anything that moves."

"Not true, but I _love_ you, and I wanna fuck you. And I want you to fuck me, because..." Newton actually shuddered in imagined pleasure, his hand straying down to Hermann's flaccid cock. "It's gonna feel _so_ good."

Hermann looked at him, brow creasing. "What's gotten into you? You're never like this with Vanessa."

"Because. Vanessa is love and romance, and sharing and emotions, and cuddling and safety. She's… Vanessa. But you-"

"I'm just some quick means of getting off, like a whore in an alley. Is that it?"

Newton kissed the underside of his jaw, followed the line of it to his ear. "You're like... my dirty secret that I don't have to keep a secret anymore. Like, all the things I wanted to tell people but never could, and you know it all and don't care. You're _Hermann_. And this is the last thing I have to share. And it's yours."

There was something in the sincerity of Newton's words, a tone Hermann had never heard from him before. It truly was the last bit of separation between them, and perhaps it was too literal to make sense to an outsider, but it made perfect sense to Hermann. He turned, looked into Newton's green eyes, strayed to glance at the freckles on his cheeks partially hidden by a week's growth of beard, then gave a sly smile. "You'd do that for me?"

The smile was returned. "I'd do that with you. And we'll own it."

He couldn't help himself. Hermann laughed at the idea it conjured.

Newton leaned down and kissed the laughter to silence. "Worse things to be good at, right?"

 

The conversation with Vanessa was awkward; Hermann made Newt do all the talking. "We're not excluding you, we just need to... figure it out? By ourselves first. I mean, I've never, like, had anything..." He glanced at Hermann who was giving _nothing_ away. "Like, the three of us, it's like family, which sounds kind of weird and gross, and you and me, it's all love and romance and I just want to go to sleep next to you."

Vanessa smiled, softly, and allowed Newt to continue rambling.

"But, Jesus, I don't even know what to say, how to explain it. Dude, it is like... I just want to fuck and come until I can't move any longer. Like I want to devour him, that that would make us be one person again.  And, uh, I guess he deserves to take me up the ass before I get to devour him."

"You two want to try taking things further, together, without me there. That's what you're saying?" She was trying so very hard not to laugh.

Newt shifted in the chair, hard just from talking about it. "Yeah, I guess. Just, you know, so we're comfortable with it, and then we can all make a train or something."

That did it. Vanessa started laughing. She stood and patted Newt's hand. "Just be careful. Maybe let me know so I don't walk in on your illicit activities and embarrass you both."

Hermann was already blushing.

"Oh!" she said suddenly. "We can get a futon or fold-out couch and put it upstairs. Then you can engage in all the debauchery you want without me walking in."

"That's not a bad idea," Newt said thoughtfully. "Then we can get all freaky surrounded by your blackboards."

"That is a very bad idea."

They went ahead and did it anyway.

***

Undressing with the knowledge of what they were going to do was more uncomfortable than expected. Hermann still felt skinny and ugly, no matter how much love was heaped upon him, how often Vanessa told him she liked his body, and here he was just stripping down to nothing to stand there. Watching Newt was a decent distraction though, the layers disappearing to reveal more and more of his colorful flesh.

He looked very different dressed, smaller, somehow, skinnier. Hopping around on one foot while he tried to get his boxer-briefs off, the truth became visible. Hermann was a skinny man, always had been, but the doctors had always assured him his weight was perfectly fine. Newt was somehow his opposite. Short and well-formed, mass where it belonged, just the right flex of an arm and there was a nicely shaped bicep. A deceptively flat stomach (that bulged slightly because he slouched when he sat and ate one too many pieces of cake during the week), and he could almost see the intercostal muscles-

"Dude, are you checking me out?"

Hermann blinked. "I suppose I am." He shifted uncomfortably when Newt focused on him. "I'm... There's not much to see here."

"If there was nothing to see, you and Vanessa would just be, like, best friends or something. No woman I have ever known just gets married and pregnant because a man is good at math. Maybe if it were music..."

"Newton."

"Yes, Hermann?"

"Are we doing this, or are you just going to prattle on?"

"Oh, shit, absolutely!" Unconcerned with his nudity, Newt flopped onto the folded out bed, and started digging through a bag on the single side table. "Do you want me to...?" He held up a package of condoms.

This was getting to be more effort than Hermann wanted. He'd been expecting some odd, but sexually charged encounter where he could let their shared sensations carry him, but now with the talking and the decisions, it was losing its luster. "Only if you want," he mumbled, his face growing sour.

"All righty then," Newt said, and flung the condoms away over his shoulder.

Hermann rolled his eyes and gave a silent prayer for his sanity.

"Well come on, man, no reason to be shy now. I've jerked off in a bathtub with you after all," Newt said as he patted the bed next to him.

And in the shower like idiotic teenagers because it was easier to clean up that way, but Hermann didn't let that line of vaguely cynical thinking (or how much he'd enjoyed it) stop him from laying down.

Newt, without a word, turned out the lamp, plunging them into darkness other than the light of the half-moon coming through the skylights. "I think," Newt said, his hand coming down to rest in the middle of Hermann's chest, "you look like a runner."

"Ha ha."

"No, I mean it. All those middle distance guys, at the Olympics, they're kinda skinny, but wiry. Not all bony and scary looking. They've just got a balance to their bodies. That's what you're like."

"I've already agreed to this. You don't need to attempt to flatter me."

"Aww, Hermann..." Newt leaned in close and nuzzled his neck. "You know I'm not. I love you, man."

The words caused him to clutch Newt's hand in his own, hold it over his heart. Of course he knew. Newt was utterly and completely open to him, hid nothing, shared everything because he was a bold soul, and utterly honest in their connection. It was much tougher for Hermann to reciprocate, even though he'd been the one to push Newt in the first place to be open with him. He didn't need to say it, just felt it, and Newt was leaning over him, kissing him for all he was worth.

"More money than all the world," Newt whispered. "You and Vanessa and Leon."

"You infuriate me with your unexpected loveliness."

And then they were back to kissing, and it was like an electrified net had been thrown over them, and Newt was rubbing himself along Hermann's leg with the clasped hands still trapped between them. For some reason, more than anything in the middle of this cascading web of pleasure, Hermann wanted to be in the hive mind, forego the physical if only for a moment, because he needed to know.

"Shove it in the faces of those ugly fuckers," Newt whispered in his ear, and licked it.

And he was far away from the bed, from the house, from Earth.

_Newt is tall and strong, his tattoos vibrant, the images writhing with life on him. Everything about him is perfect, down to the carefully sculpted three days growth of hair on his face, the freckles on his cheeks brought out by time in the sun, and his vivid, almost unearthly, green eyes._

_Around them both, the kaiju stare down in fury, the blue of the eyes and mouths and hatred reflecting off the sparkling amethyst walls. The lake is no longer sapphire and diamond, but actual water, clear and cold and refreshing on even just the heated skin of his feet._

_"Doing them a favor, dude. Now they'll know what it's like to get laid."_

_The idea is absurd and delightful, something only Newt could come up with. But Hermann shakes his head. "I don't want to stay here. I just wanted to know."_

Because it hurt a little too, knowing in his mind he was healthy and whole, and his leg didn't hurt at all.

Reality slammed back into him, to find Newt's forehead pressed to his, and the two of them open-mouthed, sharing one another's breath.

"We are healthy and whole," Newt said, cupping Hermann's face. "I wouldn't want you any other way."

It was like triumph in his blood, hearing the impotent fury of those monsters when Newt kissed him. They'd never be gone, always there, lurking, but they'd lost their power. A hive mind for humankind would never work; very few could give themselves over this way and embrace the totality of it, even though the power of it consumed him. Imagined power maybe, or perhaps because he shared his head space with the most brilliant man he'd ever known. He understood finally, really understood, Newt's desire to share that last little thing.

"How?" Newt asked, panting in his ear, his hand slowly stroking him in a grip that was just on the verge of being too tight.

Hermann writhed at the almost-unpleasant sensation even while his entire body was begging for completion, turning into the contact and then away. "The first time..." He licked his lips and swallowed, his mouth dry from heavy open-mouthed breathing. "Vanessa and I." He rolled to his side, giving Newt his back, and curled in on himself.

An offering. Not a very dignified offering, but nevertheless.

Newt's hands left him, but not bereft. The anticipation and want built as he listened to Newt fumble with the bag first, and he could almost feel Newt's hands shaking as he opened the bottle. But then slick hands glided over his hip, down the curve of his thigh, and up to tease his opening. That's all it was: a tease.

The hand was gone, and Newt curled up behind him, and he could feel the slick, hot instrument that Newt was about to destroy him with. But it didn't matter because the friction, as Newt rocked his hips, went straight to his own cock, like one continuous slide of flesh against flesh.

A subtle shift of bodies, and Hermann gripped the sheet. _Don't get lost in it. Remember the process._

The process, Hermann pushing out, Newt pushing in, and the uncomfortable burn as Newt grabbed his hip hard and _thrust_.

Yes, it was uncomfortable and made Hermann whimper with the assault of new sensations, but there was that livewire of Newt's raw need, and his hands desperate to possess him, and then Newt shifted, changed his angle, and he somehow turned all the lights in the universe on.

Hermann's vision got very bright, every nerve in his body suddenly charged, flaring to life as Newt hit his prostate. Everything in his field of vision was limned in blue and gold, while Newt was suddenly biting down on his shoulder, and everything just broke apart.

Maybe he shouted, or yelled, or screamed, but when they were both still, he with his face pressed into the bed and Newt clutching at him, the discomfort didn't matter. In fact, there was a sense of loss when Newt gently separated themselves. No words exchanged, just... an unexpected peace as Newt dragged his mouth across Hermann's shoulders, like a prolonged, slobbery kiss that made goosebumps run down his spine. He wanted to shrug the other man off, to get away from the mess he'd made, but his limbs were boneless, weak in the afterglow. Sleep was impossible to fight after the experience, even with the discomfort he felt. It took all he had to pull the single blanket over them, and then he was asleep.


	20. Chapter 20

He jerked awake to find Vanessa leaving a plate of pastries, cups, and a large bottle of cold juice. Sun was just starting to come directly through the skylights, hitting the uppermost portions of the blackboards. Newt was sprawled out half-across him, using his arm as a pillow and drooling on it. "You. He always cuddles with you, but this is what I get."

Vanessa smiled and handed him a muffin. "It's a manly cuddle."

"I prefer cuddling without drool. Leon is the exception." His other hand, the one attached to the arm Newton is asleep on, works on its own to run through the wild hair that is so impossibly soft.

It's enough. Mumbling, Newton shifted and rolled into him.

Hermann sighed in both resignation and contentment, his arm coming around Newt's back to hold him there.

"Your leg?"

"It's fine." The position on his side had been stress-free, and allowed him to sleep through the night without trouble.

"And... other things?" There was a hint of mischief in his wife's voice, one that Hermann had expected right from the start.

He answered, something Newt would never believe from him: "Everything's snapped back into place."

Vanessa had to quickly cover her mouth with her hand to stifle her laughter. When it had faded, she leaned down and kissed Hermann, then kissed still-sleeping Newt on the cheek. "I'll see you downstairs."

Gently, carefully, Hermann extracted himself from Newt, expecting the worst when he got up to get some juice, but there wasn't any discomfort. He sat on the edge of the bed, careful to not pin Newton's arm, and poured himself a glass. He sat there, in the silence of the upstairs, hearing Vanessa faintly downstairs, drank his juice, and thought things over. Thoughts weren't really coming together to amount to anything though.

He was staring blankly at the wall, the numbers crawling all over it, white on black, lifeless, without meaning at the moment. Glass empty, Hermann set it aside and picked up a franzbrötchen still warm from the oven. Cinnamon and chocolate, just the way he liked them.

Behind him, Newton stirred, releasing a groan before he rolled over and curled around him. "Smells good."

Hermann handed him one without word. If he'd been concerned at all for the crumbs that were about to be littering the bed, he'd be fine with his earlier lack of concentration, but no, the crumbs were not a concern.

A sound he would describe as sexual indecent came from Newton at his right hip. "Chocolate for breakfast is the way shit gets done."

Had it been that long since Vanessa had made franzbrötchen? Every time it made him think of the previous time, like it had just been yesterday when it had actually been over a year. Newton was still moaning in culinary bliss, and Hermann risked a glance down at him. The sight of the man first thing in the morning was not new, but this morning things were different.

_Really?_

Newton's hair was flat, plastered to his forehead. He had a dried trail of drool at the corner of his mouth. He wasn't wearing his glasses so didn't even bother to keep his eyes open. He was utterly adorable. "Don't think you'll get a repeat performance this morning," Hermann said quietly.

"Huh? Oh, sorry." He shifted so his hips weren't pressed so closely to Hermann's thigh. He took another bite and moaned once more. "This is so good."

And Hermann just watched as each bite was followed by that little moan until Newton's hand was empty.

"Are there more?"

Silence.

"Hey, Hermann, are there more?" Forced to squint when he opened his eyes, Newton looked up at him. "Something wrong?"

It was awkward, but awkward was something Hermann was used to, as he leaned down and kissed Newt. "Good morning."

With a wide smile after Hermann sat back up, Newt struggled into an upright position as well. "Good morning yourself. What was that for?"

"Something wrong with it?"

"No! Not at all! Just… kinda unexpected. Thought you'd wait until I brushed my teeth or something." He reached across and grabbed another.pastry. Abruptly he started shifting over, away from Hermann. "Hey, here." He lifted the edge of the sheet.

Hermann accepted the invitation, sliding his legs under the sheet and scooting close to Newton. Instead of sitting next to him though, he was lower in the bed so he could rest his head against Newt's colorful stomach. It gurgled loudly in his ear.

"Hey, what's this? Something wrong?"

"I've been unfair to you. I pushed you to be honest and open, and then hid things. I was hurt and angry, and took it out on you. I shamed you into doing work you don't like. I used you as convenient childcare. I questioned constantly what you thought was wrong with me while I tried to tell myself I wasn't attracted to you." Hermann sighed, and when he felt the first tentative touch of Newt's hand on his head, closed his eyes. "I have been a hypocrite and a terrible person to share your brilliant mind with."

Newt's fingers tentatively stroked his hair. "But that's OK. We're, like, different people. Doesn't always feel like it, but we're still us, right? So we handle stuff differently. You were hurting and grouchy, but that's no different than me. You help me, I help you."

"Are you getting crumbs in my hair?"

"Probably."

Hermann turned his head as far as he could, then reached up to pull Newt down to him. He only needed to apply the barest pressure before Newt was leaning down eagerly.

 

Two hours later, vaguely concerned, Vanessa checked on them. The franzbrötchen and juice were both gone, the bed was littered with crumbs, and Hermann and Newt were fast asleep, snuggled up to one another.

This, she knew, was something of a breakthrough for Hermann. He'd been so reluctant before, and unwilling to talk about why, but she had her guesses. If this meant he was more at ease and would stop looking at both her and Newt with such a guilty expression, she'd call it a victory even.

They look so comfortable and at peace, she took a picture, and vowed never to tell them of it. She was intimately familiar with the position Hermann was in, only it was usually her waist he was clutching, her chest his head was pillowed on.

That… that might be jealousy she was feeling suddenly, and didn't like it. The jealousy. She liked seeing them together, that they were comfortable and happy. She didn't like the rush of _he's mine, I had him first_ thoughts. The idea that none of them were ever jealous was abruptly and clearly false.

Worse: she was the only jealous one because her husband and Newt were closer than any simple married couple could ever be.

The intention had been to wake them up, since it was getting on half nine, but Vanessa wasn't sure she could face them at the moment. In just her socks, she shuffled away, very purposefully not lifting her feet and allowing echoing footfalls to disturb the sleeping men.

 

Hermann leaned heavily against the wall as he made his way down the stairs, his hands occupied with the empty dishes. "Vanessa?"

He frowned when she didn't answer, and frowned even more deeply when he saw the time. "Vanessa? Why didn't you wake me earlier?" She never let him sleep past ten, knew how much he despised wasting even that much of the day. "Vanessa, love, where are you?"

The silence was starting to get to him. It was a silly overreaction, he knew, because if she needed to go out, she was perfectly capable of doing so without reporting her intentions to him. She'd done it many times in the past, in fact, like all adults did. Why would this morning be any different? Just because he'd done something he never pictured himself capable of before didn't mean the entire world had changed around him.

But still, something felt very off about _this_ silence. Hermann set the tray on the table, his frown having melted away to be replaced by worry. Not concern, which his very serious and professional worry, but the chest-squeezing cousin of irrational panic worry, and he was finding he didn't care for it. Somehow it made his hip hurt more, made his leg feel heavier, and made his brain reduce itself to a useless pile of gruel.

Limping and grimacing with every step, Hermann went to the bedroom. A worried cry of his wife's name died in his throat when he saw her on the bed, asleep, with Leon next to her. Relief immediately began to unravel the knot in his chest that made his heart beat too fast, but then he saw her face. He saw her face and all the other little things that the simple knowledge that she was still here blocked out.

The tear stains; the fact that she was fully dressed, even still in her sweater; the way her hand clutched the blankets; her small suitcase sitting out…

_Oh fuck._

That might as well have been an airhorn in Newton's ear. The man was a human bulldozer; his footsteps could be heard throughout the house as he ran across the upstairs floor.

Hermann waited in the hall until Newt appeared, looking frazzled, and shook his head.

A curious and concerned tilt of the head.

A firmer shake of his head sent Newt back upstairs. Did he not even realize he'd charged down down there naked? Honestly.

Back to the issue at hand, Hermann went into the bedroom and shut the door behind him. As he sat at the end of the bed, he put his hand on Vanessa's calf. "Vanessa? Vanessa, please, wake up and talk to me."

The worry was surging now, and all he could think of was the suitcase sitting there. She'd seemed so happy earlier; what changed? How long had she been planning this? Planning on leaving him.

The worry exploded like fireworks, and he was scared and hurt and wanted to cry and there was no equation or formula that could help him solve this. She was sitting up, looking at him, but he could barely see her face because he was crying and could hardly hear her talking with the way the blood was pounding in his ears.

"...closer than we'll ever be."

When he spoke, he was eight again, after getting beat up after school, and trying to explain it through the crying and the running nose and the gasping for breath, the hurt and humiliation, and nothing coherent would come out of his mouth.

_breathe relax breathe let it out relax_

_breathe…_

 

It was the first time she'd seen Newt frown, really frown like that. "He loves you. I love you."

"But you love each other more."

He dismissed the statement with a wave of his hand. "That's barely even real. You've been married longer than we've even known each other. If you think that doesn't mean something, then you don't know him as well as I thought you did."

Vanessa broke her earlier vow then, pulled out her phone and showed the picture she'd taken to Newt. "I'm the only one he ever held like that before." Her voice was very small, sounded very childish, almost petulant even to herself.

The laugh that Newt gave was scathing while sounding so happy at the same time. "You have no idea… You really don't know." The hemorrhage in his eye had healed long ago, but it had left the iris slightly blown out and his eye watery looking. That didn't disguise his intellect at all, that bright spark that came out clearly when he was focused, and his gaze was unwavering from her own. "When I came here, and didn't know what to do with myself, and had no idea how Hermann could deal with it all when I was such a mess… It was you. You knew exactly what to do, what to say, read his moods perfectly."

"But that's… We've just been married for so long."

"And that's what the drift did! Not marry us, but crammed a lifetime of stuff into each other's heads in the span of like five seconds. And I might know the what of Hermann, but I don't have the years of how to fix it when it gets out of alignment." Newt's expression steeled suddenly.

Vanessa got the distinct impression it was not directed at her, but to people that would never see it.

"Because he's not broken, no matter what anyone says. And he loves you so much, right now it fucking _hurts_ me. So you got jealous. I was jealous. You think Hermann's suddenly gonna throw his wedding ring in the garbage and skip off with me into the sunset? He'd hit me with his cane if I ever even joked about leaving you, and probably make me sleep in the basement. And I'd deserve it."

Newt sighed as if his energy had finally run out except for this last push. "Look, I'm nobody's idea of the person they want to marry, take home to meet their parents and family and friends, want to spend their life with, so I'm definitely not Hermann's. He would never leave a woman like you for a guy like me."

The flattery didn't even register any longer. She'd heard so much of it, it was all just noise, meaningless words. "Newt, I don't-"

"No, you _have to listen_. Listen. You're beautiful. We both love you. Do you love us?"

"Of course."

"Then why would you ever leave?"

"To not… be in your way."

"You're crazy," Newt said, and grabbed her in a hug. "Come on. We need to talk to Hermann."

 

Vanessa cradled Hermann's head, and stroked his hair. His arm was over her waist, holding her tightly, with Newt behind him. His arm was over Hermann's side with his hand flat on his chest. Periodically, she leaned down and kisses him, and as she did, Newt could feel the tension ebb.

She whispered, and Newt did his best to not hear the words, to let them have that, even if it was only nonsense just to reassure him that she was still there.

"Why?"

"I didn't understand."

"I could have explained."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't leave."

"I'm not."

Newt kept his thoughts silent, saved them for later when he could consider things a little further outside their sphere of connection. At that moment, rebuilding this fractured bridge between the three of them was more important that the little nuggets of information his brain was latching on to. And he had believed he'd learned everything there was to Hermann after their drift.

_I'll keep you safe, buddy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random stuff (lots of caps): [Echo Isles](http://echoisles.tumblr.com/)  
> Fandom stuff (progress updates, thoughts, art, etc): [Echo Isles fandom](http://echoislesfandom.tumblr.com/)


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old issues are worked through, and new things are discovered. Things Newt and Hermann had no idea they liked until they considered it together.

"An illness. Yes. I can't say when. It struck very suddenly; he's been bedridden. Of course, a physician's report. Goodbye" Vanessa hung up the phone, looking very annoyed as she did. "They want a doctor's note. They treat faculty worse than students." She lifted Leon, brushed her fingers through his wavy hair, and kissed him on the nose. "You won't be going there for college."

Newt shrugged. "I'll just make a fake one. It's easy."

"I would ask if you're practiced in the art of making fake physician reports, but I would guess yes, even before you offered to."

"It's like we're in the drift together _right now_."

"Don't be a shit. Here, take this to Hermann."

Newt accepted the bowl and spoon from her. "I think ice cream at breakfast may be going a little overboard."

But Vanessa leveled her 'who knows best in this house? I do' look at him.

"All right, all right. Ice cream for breakfast." He took the bowl to the bedroom, where he found Hermann propped up on a stack of pillows, reading something on Newt's tablet. "That's my tablet."

"I know by all the pornographic material I've found on it."

There was no denying it. Newt shrugged and got on the bed next to him.

"This I like especially." Hermann showed him the tablet.

"You _like_ it?"

"I like it in that it fascinates me. How is that even possible?" He turned the tablet to its side, then huffed when the image rotated with the action.

Newt ate a spoonful of ice cream, eyes glued to the tablet. "I don't know, dude, but it gets me hard."

"You are disgusting." Hermann looked at him, did a double-take at the ice cream. "And ice cream for breakfast? Really, Newton."

"It's for you!"

"In that case…" Hermann dropped the tablet in Newt's lap and took the bowl from him.

Newt picked the tablet up and started browsing through the contents. "What about this one?"

With the spoon halfway to his mouth, Hermann paused. "That's… something." He didn't need to admit anything.

"Giving or receiving?" Newt asked, and if it was his mouth gone dry or Hermann's it didn't much matter.

"Either."

"Both."

It was like the drift all over again, a rush of images, each as quick as the blink of an eye. Newt licked his dry lips. "Is that you or me?"

Hermann was still holding the spoon halfway to his mouth. "I don't know."

"Do you care?"

"No."

"Me neither." Newt quickly started searching on his tablet while Hermann started to eat the ice cream in extreme slow motion, his eyes staring at nothing.

***

Somehow Newt resisted jerking off for the entire day after a very interesting and revealing morning, no matter how many times he returned to those flashes of fantasy he'd seen. They each had their own particulars, but there was a common thread in them.

Newt was about ropes, immobilized and only able to lay there helplessly as he is tortured with pleasure. He never even knew such a thing appealed to him.

Hermann's was far more interesting, which was not a surprise, to his mind's eye. It might have been simply the picture his/Hermann's imagination painted for them, or that Newt was stupidly attracted to him for nebulous, unexplored reasons, but all that stuff he'd ordered couldn't get there fast enough. The sooner he could see Hermann handcuffed to the bed and blindfolded, the sooner he could die happy.

It did make dinner a very uncomfortable situation though, with his pants becoming spontaneously tight in the crotch several times as the image would pop into his head, make him hard, then slowly fade. "Five days," he said as he pushed the food around his plate, trying to will his erection away.

"What's five days?" Vanessa asked, distracted by trying to get Leon to eat a slurry of mushed vegetables.

"When the stuff I ordered gets here."

Hermann had stopped eating at this point and was staring very hard at his plate.

"Oh? What did you order?"

"Just some stuff."

"Stuff," Hermann repeated quietly.

That made Vanessa look up, giving the both of them odd looks. "Then in five days, I guess I'll make an interesting discovery."

And it was all Newt could think of as they cleaned up after dinner, shifting his weight, being antsy as he was on a constant erectile roller coaster. Five days. The longest five days he could ever imagine. Not even the return of the kaiju could dampen his anticipation. He'd even resorted to a cold shower before bed, hoping it would help, but on returning to the bedroom and seeing Hermann in only his pajama bottoms…

Vanessa coming in from putting down Leon and instantly shedding her clothing

_Is that some kind of model superpower?_

only made it worse.

Everything about this situation was _killing_ him. Vanessa's beautiful smooth skin contrasting with Hermann's as she cuddled next to him, giving him adoring looks, and the two of them looked like an advertisement from some kind of high end magazine that always featured super tasteful nudity.

"Fuck!" He was going to have to take charge. "You guys are driving me crazy today."

Hermann raised one eyebrow, knowing the true source of Newt's frustration.

"Don't give me that look, Hermann. Dude, you know me. I just don't work like you do. I _need_ it." Yes, Hermann would say how he didn't need sex and that he should just meditate or do math or some other useless shit that was not nearly as fun as being balls deep in either one of them.

Hermann said none of that as Vanessa sat up and straddled his stomach (not hips). Completely naked and perfect, and Newt just about came in his shorts right there. The wave of near-orgasmic pleasure hit him so hard he had to sit on the edge of the bed, but that didn't even seem to register to the other two occupants.

But it was an odd sight, because Hermann's hands looked tentative as they slid over Vanessa's bare skin. The look on his face was certainly not adoration. It was something like fear.

"Jesus, Hermann, if you don't want to fuck her, I will." He reached out to touch her, but Hermann slapped his hand away.

"I'm not going to _fuck her_ , Newton. Don't be so crass."

"But what do I get to do?" Newt whined, his hands clenching the material of his boxers.

Grabbing Newt's wrist, Hermann pulled him down. His hand shifted to the back of Newt's neck as he kissed him roughly. "She's mine tonight," he whispered, no doubt left that he was not playing or making a joke here.

The grip on his neck tightened, and Newt actually grinned, no matter how painfully hard he was. "Got it." He stole a last kiss from Hermann, then sat up and kissed Vanessa. "Maybe I'll be the one making breakfast for you in the morning."

They didn't do these one-on-one things, not all night (he and Hermann aside). Not anymore. And Newt hadn't slept in his room for... months, but for this night Vanessa needed to be alone with Hermann. He collected his discarded clothing and left the bedroom, shutting the door behind himself.

The first thing he did was check on Leon. The kid was getting good with his sleep schedule, hardly ever woke up too early, and generally went to bed without a lot of fuss. Newt crept across the dark room and peered into the crib at the sleeping boy.

He would. He really and truly would kill to protect Leon, at least until the kid was old enough to do it himself. Grinning at the somewhat macabre idea, Newt leaned down and kissed the side of the child's head, then headed out to the living area. He'd gotten really good at masturbating to Godzilla.

***

Newt put the finishing touches on the paperwork. "There. Fake doctor's note for one Dr. Hermann Gottlieb. Diagnosis: brain and body that just won't quit."

"Newton." Exasperated, but Hermann was showing a little color high in his cheeks.

"Well no, I just put food poisoning. But _my_ diagnosis as a doctor-"

"Not a medical doctor."

"-is just what I said. And no medical doctor is qualified to talk about your brain the way _I_ am."

A long sigh, somewhere between exasperation and fondness, but mostly fondness to Newt's ears. "Thank you, Newton."

"You're welcome. Now, when are you gonna fuck me?"

Hermann spent a long moment massaging his forehead before wiping his hand down the left side of his face. "When do you want me to?"

"I'd say now, but you are obviously not into it, so…" Newt shrugged. "I guess when you're into it. Whenever. Don't worry about it. I'll just leave this here for you." He left the paper on the table and made his way to the basement. He hadn't been down in a while, abandoned his guitar to bigger matters, less personal time and more inter-personal time.

But his fingers were clumsy on the strings when he sat down, and he couldn't make heads or tails of the music in his head. After fifteen fruitless minutes, in which he didn't do anything more than pluck aimlessly at random chords, Newt put his guitar away. There was no way in hell though that he was going to dwell on what essentially was rejection. No, not going to dwell on it, but he'd sure be wallowing in… whatever he was feeling for the rest of the day.

He waited another fifteen minutes, let his thoughts wander without letting them settle on his disappointment and… and… _hurt_.

Yeah, it hurt that Hermann wasn't interested, and it hurt that maybe he'd pushed Hermann into something he didn't want, but he'd gone along with it anyway. But dammit, Hermann didn't do things he didn't want to, not for any reason. He certainly wouldn't be swayed by any selfish desires of Newt's.

"Newt? Can you help me up here?"

"Be right there." No, no point dwelling, no point in even speculating really. That only made him feel bad about himself.

Vanessa was waiting at the top of the stairs. "Pick one: laundry or Leon's bath. Fair warning, he's a mess and the reason for both of these things needing to be done right now."

"Oh, bath! I've been up to my elbows in kaiju bile; nothing this kid can produce can possibly be grosser."

The absolute filth of the boy and the bathing process distracted Newt, took his mind off Hermann's reaction from the morning. In fact, once Leon was cleaned up and his mood improved, Newt's improved as well.

He was not good with kids, not because he didn't get along with them, but because he wasn't generally responsible enough. That was always the thing he thought most responsible about himself: he knew that he wasn't. But Leon was a special case, one he could learn to be responsible with.

Bathing Leon was a process with several simple steps. Executing those steps was far beyond simple because holy shit were babies squirmy and slippery and splashy, and had no interest in just sitting there and getting clean. Even covered in… Newt didn't think too much about it.

It was there. It needed to be removed. He'd have to wash his hands in rubbing alcohol after.

Newt hummed quietly, not thinking about it, as he washed the boy. When all the obvious areas were clean, he went to work on all the chubby baby folds and crevices. When that was done, and Leon was in clean water, Newt indulged in some bathtime play, no longer concerned about the water getting splashed in his face.

"Don't worry, little guy, when you get older and have questions about why your wang is different than daddy's, I'm here to back you up."

"Ah, 'wang'. I haven't heard that since I graduated high school."

Turning to smile at Vanessa, Newt shrugged. "Penis is way too clinical. Dick is too crude. Cock is too sexy. Dong is too silly. Any word that relates to a meat product is too awkward. That leaves wang."

"When his third word is wang, you're the one that's going to tell Hermann where he learned it." She opened up the soft towel Newt had out, and held it open. "From how much water you've got on you, I would guess he's clean."

"Yeah. Not sure about myself though." He lifted Leon from the tub to allow Vanessa to enfold him in the towel. "Maybe you can clean my folds."

"If you tell me what you ordered," she replied quickly, drying Leon in her arms.

"Awww. That's supposed to be a surprise."

A shrug. "Then you'll have to scrub your own crevices clean."

Newt flat-out whined. "Fine, fine. I'm weak. Hermann found my stash of porn on my tablet, and while we were looking through it-"

"Together?"

"Yeah. And we hit this bondage stuff, really light, just fancy knots and some handcuffs, and I don't know if it was him or me, or both of us..." Newt deflated. "So I bought some handcuffs and rope and junk."

"Hm."

"Are you mad?"

"Why would I be mad? I'm not going to be whipping anyone, just to be clear."

"No, ma'am. No whipping."

"All right then." She looked him over. "Why don't you wait in here until I get Leon settled."

Face splitting into a grin, Newt started cleaning up Leon's bath things.

 

Hermann was just removing his coat when Vanessa came out to greet him.

"I need some help before dinner, dear." She was bouncing Leon on her hip; he appeared half-asleep. "Quickly now," she continued as she headed to the bedroom.

Confused, Hermann toed off his shoes and followed. In the bedroom, he found Newton tied up and gagged on the bed. "You two got into this situation. I'm getting a cup of tea."

Squirming, Newt tried to speak, but could only make muffled non-specific noises.

With just a shake of his head, Hermann took Leon from his wife and walked out. Under other circumstances, it would have been an intriguing situation to explore, but he was tired and stressed from work, and just wanted to relax for the time being.

Hopefully, the two idiots in the bedroom (that he held the deepest affection for) would have all that silliness worked out by the time he was ready for bed. There was nothing wrong with what they were doing, and under normal circumstances, he'd be plenty pleased to participate, but he was bone tired, exhausted to his core. Bed, tonight, was strictly for sleeping.

Maybe he'd end up sleeping in Newton's room and leave them to it. Hopefully they wouldn't be bored of the novelty of tying each other up by the weekend because it was definitely something he wanted to do

_I want to do it to you sooooo bad_

Hermann smiled faintly as he sipped his tea and watched Leon feed himself in the highchair. Even remaining apart like this, with no interest, no libido to speak of that evening, knowing what was going on (too well, the sensations tickling the corners of his consciousness) while he was staring fondly at his child, there was that warm, unbreakable bubble in his chest . Sometimes when he thought of it, considered everything it encompassed, it made his eyes get a little watery.

Family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyday I'm tumblring:
> 
> [screen cap city](http://echoisles.tumblr.com)   
> [fannish stuff](http://echoislesfandom.tumblr.com)


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann gets what he didn't know he wanted, and Newt finds what he didn't know he was looking for.

"How's that?"

Hermann tugged. "Perfect." The cuffs were snug and didn't slip, but weren't overly tight either.

"Can I put the blindfold on you now?" Vanessa asked.

With the cuffs in place, the question made his shaft swell in the now-overly tight confines of his trousers. "Yes," he answered quietly. The absence of Newton from the room was worrisome in a most exciting manner, especially with the blindfold coming into play. Hermann was confident Vanessa would keep him under control while Hermann himself was helpless, but even so, that element of _not knowing_ was just…

"Get ready, love." Vanessa leaned down and kissed him softly, then put the blindfold on, settling it over his eyes. "How's that?"

"Dark." If he weren't very sure of what was to come, Hermann would have actually found it terrifying in his current position. Blind and mostly helpless, it filled him with conflicting feelings, but as Vanessa laid her hand on his cheek, they were mostly good in the moment.

When her hand, her fingertips trailed down his cheek, brushed across his lips, then swirled over his chin, those unpleasant ideas were quickly banished. She'd always been an expert at turning his mood around, so this wasn't really a surprise that Vanessa made him forget everything except the gentle scrape of her nails down his throat.

Briefly her lips replaced her fingers, as she kissed his Adam's apple, then the side of his neck across his pulse point; she began to unbutton his shirt.

His breath hitched when he tried to speak with his bare skin exposed to the cooler air. "You'll make sure-" Hermann sucked in air between his teeth as Vanessa's hand abandoned buttons for the moment and slid into his trousers. "You'll make sure Newton doesn't get carried away?"

"On the contrary, Dr. Gottlieb. She's gonna help me carry you away."

A jolt of surprise at Newton's voice made Hermann jerk his hands pointlessly against his bindings. "Newton! You-"

"Dude, it's what you signed up for. Besides..."

A wave of adoration and protection overcame Hermann, smothering his concern completely where Vanessa could not. "I wouldn't do this with anyone but the two of you," he said, his voice suddenly thick with emotion. "I-"

"You don't have to say anything. I'm the last person you need to explain this to."

Hermann could hear Vanessa's smile. Even though he could feel Newt's every emotion, and he knew Vanessa almost better than he knew himself, it was a difficult moment. The point of time before the physical, where Hermann was all in his mind without even Newt to support him.

"Fuck, I love it when you just think about me as Newt."

Protests were lost as ticklish, scratchy stubble dragged across Hermann's chest to be followed by open-mouthed kisses. Before he could consider what he was doing, his entire body arched into the contact, seeking the heat and electric charge that followed every touch. _Stop eavesdropping!_ But Newt laughed silently because that thought was so ridiculously clouded in a warm comfortable haze as Vanessa perfectly timed the moment to lean down and kiss him.

_I'm ready._

Newt unbuttoned his pants and pulled down the zipper, but didn't do anything with the pants themselves except pull the halves apart.

Hermann's body jerked when Newt nipped the flesh of his belly just above the waistband of his underwear. Suddenly he wanted anything but _that_ , because if Newt actually performed fellatio, he'd have to return the favor and that was… He couldn't do that, he just couldn't.

_I'd never make you do something you didn't want to. Where's the fun in that for either of us?_

He could feel the smirk on Newt's face as surely as he could feel his hand start to lightly rub his sack. "He's teasing me," Hermann said, winded from doing nothing at all and feeling like he was in the middle of a marathon. The adrenalin wouldn't allow him to relax; he'd been at a two roughly, and was now at a ten. Had it even been five minutes?

Already Hermann was prepared to beg. "Please."

 

Newt didn't fellate him, said he wasn't ready to go quite that far. The words meant hardly anything to Hermann, who was a vaguely composed pile of gelatin as he lay between Vanessa and Newt.

No, he'd let Vanessa do that while he'd actually penetrated Hermann, then in a confusing tangle of emotions and sensations, had pulled out and ejaculated across Hermann's leg while kissing him during the act.

Too tough to tell anymore where things started and ended and where they came apart in between. Too much work, and it didn't make a difference. They didn't care.

 

"What are you still doing awake?'

Newt looked from his tablet to Hermann, who was squinting at him. "Couldn't sleep. Still can't. Can't get anything accomplished though. My brain's in a holding pattern."

"For God's sake come over here," Hermann hissed, and turned to arrange himself so that Newt could fit beside him, against him. Vanessa was dead to the world on his opposite side.

But Newt shook his head. "Dude, we need to talk. This is… It's really bugging me, and I want you to understand. I _need_ you to hear it."

Very carefully removing himself the rest of the way from the tangle of Vanessa, Hermann sat up. "What is it?"

From the pale light coming from his tablet, Newt could see Hermann's face more clearly and tell he was worried. He winced slightly. "No, man, nothing bad, not after that. I just need to say it, but could we go to the other room. I think I need to stand, or pace, or…" If Hermann were sitting and Newt standing, he was in the position of power. "Please just listen."

"Newton, have you-"

"No," Newt said and held up one finger. "None of that. Come on. I need to tell you this." He got up and waited for Hermann to put on his robe before he left the bedroom. Only once they were in the living area and Hermann was seated did he start speaking. "Do you remember back when I said I wanted you to fuck me? That it was the last thing I had to give?"

Hermann nodded.

"Dude, I'm…" Newt crossed the room, looked out the front window for a second, then went back to stand in front of Hermann. "I feel so rejected, like I don't mean anything. The only thing I have, the last thing that would mean you have… me. And I want that. I don't feel complete without you, and you basically told me to piss off." He turned suddenly and scrubbed at his eyes with the back of his arm. "I'm sorry. I know you hate it when I get like this."

Or maybe probably it was just Newt that hated it because the crushing fear of inadequacy had been haunting him his entire life.

"I'm sorry."

The idea of someone holding him had never been something Newt had considered. Yes, he was a short guy, but he was the man. It was expected for him to be the one doing the holding, to be the strong one in a relationship no matter how ill-equipped he might feel for the task. But then Hermann had him, one slender hand falling across his chest, just over his heart.

"I continue to be… undeserving. Callous and -"

"No, don't say anything like that. That's why I'm telling you now instead of just letting it fester." Newt sighed and leaned back into the contact. "I'm sorry too, you know. I've just been kind of selfish about it. It's not your fault if you're not totally comfortable with it."

Hermann leaned in, nuzzled Newt's hair. "I wouldn't give you up."

The sudden tightening in Newt's gut was so strong he felt like he needed to throw up. It was like he'd found the thing he hadn't known he'd been waiting his entire life for: finally someone to take care of him, just the way he was. He abruptly took a great gulping breath accompanied by a noise that resembled that from a dying goose. "Oh shit."

"No, here," Hermann said quietly, and firmly turned Newt around. "Don't be ashamed. It's not your fault. You don't have to be someone you're not."

With Hermann's arms around him, holding him securely, but not tightly, Newt pressed his face into Hermann's shoulder. Into the soft material of Hermann's robe, trying not to make so much noise he woke anyone, Newt cried. With Hermann's hand running through his hair and encouraging words in his ear, Newt couldn't stop until every last bit of himself was drained out.

"Are you ready to go back to bed?"

"I think…" Newt was exhausted, no doubt about that. "I think I should sleep in the other room by myself." It was still his room after all, even if he didn't use it much for sleeping.

"No, I think that is an unwise course of action. Come along, Newton."

Newt didn't let go, and neither did Hermann, so they shuffled awkwardly together to the bedroom. Vanessa was watching them sleepily from her place, making Newt duck his head in embarrassment.

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake anyone up."

"You didn't," Vanessa answered. "I got chilly, and discovered I was all alone was why. Come back to bed, you silly men."

"Go on," Hermann told him, and gently pushed Newt toward the bed.

He resisted and shook his head. "Dude, that's-"

"Get undressed and get into bed." And without waiting, Hermann started to pull Newt's shirt up. "We'll talk about the other thing tomorrow. For real."

"Seriously?"

"Yes."

Newt leaned up before the shirt could be pulled over his head and gave Hermann a kiss just at the corner of his mouth. "I'm sorry I made this such a big deal."

"And I'm sorry I didn't take it seriously enough. Now can we go to bed?"

Smiling as he held Hermann's gaze, Newt raised his arms. A ripple of gooseflesh traveled over his ribs under the skim of Hermann's knuckles. A talented wriggle of his hips and his sweatpants dropped to the floor. Almost, _almost_ , Newt could feel complete like this. "Thanks, Herm."

"Unnecessary, Newton." But he looked pleased anyway, and undressed Newt the rest of the way gently, like he was the baby of the family, until he was nude.

There was that little crease between Hermann's eyes, the look he always got when Newt stripped down to nothing without hesitation. A slight aversion of his gaze, whether from the tattoos or the nudity, and the hesitation of his hand. Sometimes his grip grew slack, or the touch feather-light before growing firmer, but it was all stuff Newt should have picked up on ages ago. Just because he was ready to dive down the rabbithole didn't mean Hermann was tumbling right behind him.

No, Hermann was determined to work his way down, slowly, keeping his footing the entire way. He had no light to help guide him, so he moved slowly, arms thrown out to hold on to the walls in case he slipped and started to descend too quickly as he followed Newt into the deepest, darkest hole of shared insanity. Or something like that.

"Hermann, do you own a pocketwatch?"

"Get into bed, you silly fool."

Vanessa welcomed him, curled around him and kissed his neck. Very quickly her breathing evened out, and before Hermann could get into bed she was asleep, a warm, soft, secure comfort.

And then Hermann with his hip and leg, and who was shorter than Vanessa, but he'd take care of them all, Newt knew. That was just who and how he was, no matter what anyone thought of him, no matter what their initial impressions of him. If it meant he used his intellect, or his scathing tongue, or just had to club something with his cane, he would fight to the end.

"You make me really happy," Newt whispered as Hermann situated himself under the covers, all of them fitting carefully together like the world's easiest puzzle. To them anyway; to others, it probably didn't seem quite so simple.

 

He dreamed in all gold, electric, otherworldly, shimmering gold. Everything was more than real, the look on Vanessa's face was like a magazine come to life, and the noises Hermann made were something from his deepest fantasies. It was primal and beatific, instinct and aesthetic, memories perfected. Hermann's flesh was so hot, and Vanessa's smile so understanding, that when Newt pushed into him it was quite simply the most perfect thing Newt had ever experienced. Of all the other things that seemed more than real in the dream, sharing Hermann like that could never get better even in his imagination.

Of course Newt woke up painfully hard, but still happy. His dream had simply been a replay of Hermann helpless and debauched and loving every moment of it under Newt and Vanessa's attention, and left him wanting more.

Vanessa's hand was so lightly stroking across his stomach, nails combing through the hair below his navel, Newt wasn't sure she was even awake.

Hermann was awake though, his eyes half-lidded and intent on Newt.

_Morning_ , Newt mouthed at him, and let his eyes slip closed when Vanessa made a little noise and pressed her face into the back of his neck. If Hermann's hand weren't warm across his hip, Newt would have turned to admire her. Admire… worship was probably more precise.

For the briefest of moments, Hermann frowned, his fingers spasming on the meat and bone of Newt's colorful flesh. It turned morning wood into awake wood in an instant.

_There is a world outside this house that considers her beautiful._ It's a dig, sure, that sometimes Hermann didn't quite get that the world was a very different place than inside the house, but Newt meant it only playfully. _And why shouldn't they? You're lucky. I'm luckier._

"Are you two thinking at one another?" Vanessa asked sleepily, almost directly in Newt's ear. Before he could ask, she said, "Hermann has that look on his face."

Did he? Did Hermann get a look on his face? What did Newt's look like? It was like some kind of mental O face, and he'd have to start schooling himself to not make it. Or not. It didn't really matter, except as a point of control. Sure, no one would notice it on Hermann except Vanessa, because he always had that kind of pinched look on his face when dealing with other people, but Newt… It was a little scary to think about what his face must look like.

_It's very obvious. You look far more studious than normal. Everyone would think something was wrong._

"Laugh riot, Herm." Newt let his eyes close as Vanessa's arm tightened  briefly over his middle, then relaxed again. There was no doubt that Hermann mentally and physically completed him in a fairly unnatural way (though he'd gotten over that, found it pretty damned interesting really), but Newt couldn't believe there would ever be a point in time where the hungry, impossible desire for Vanessa would ever be sated.

And if he had Hermann to blame for that too, it didn't change anything at all. He wouldn't walk away from either one of them even if it were possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [caps-a-lot](echoisles.tumblr.com)   
> [fan stuff and updates](echoislesfandom.tumblr.com)


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newt and Hermann talk it out. Newt still has his doubts. Hermann has his doubts. Finally Newt gets what he's been waiting for.

Hermann looked down at his hands as he began to speak. "You know I'm not much of a… risk-taker. Drifting with you has quite possibly been the only risk I've ever taken."

"You got married, didn't you?"

Smiling from the question, Hermann looked at Newt. "Yes, but I wouldn't consider that a risk for me. For her, to deal with me unceasingly, _that_ was a much more significant chance. I merely had to say yes to a beautiful woman."

"I would have asked her," Newt added, nodding, "and she would have hated me. Nobody ever really liked me, not enough to get over not liking me."

"I have, haven't I?"

Newt's smile dimmed, more melancholy now than anything. "Not by choice. Dude, just because you like the song after I force you to listen to it, it doesn't mean you were any less _forced_. And I… I just don't think that's cool. To force something on another person like that. It either tickles your fancy and you go with it, or it doesn't. And you walk away after ten minutes of conversation, leaving me looking like a total asshole."

"Newton…"

"No, I know. This isn't like that. You're not like that. But it is, and you are. And I don't know what to do to make it better. I never have." This time it was Newt looking down at his hands as he intertwined his fingers. "I don't want to force you into anything, especially not _this_ , because that's… It's practically rape. Christ, I still feel guilty about before, even though you keep saying it's fine. _Fine_ is not 'I'm so glad you put your dick in me'. Fine is mediocre."

"I would have said plainly if it had been objectionable," Hermann asserted as he put one hand over Newt's restless fingers. "You know that as well as anyone. When have I ever lied to you? I have no need to do so; you understand me as well as anyone."

"Yeah, yeah. It's just my own insecurities taking a shit all over me. Been that way since puberty pretty much." Newt's fingers were still, but the muscles twitched, longing to return to motion.

Hermann clutched one of Newt's hands, felt it grab hold back. "I don't know what we can do to help you with that, but it won't be for lack of effort. You are not a burden. This relationship is not a burden. I know it's been a while now, but I…" Hermann cleared his throat, then straightened in the chair before looking very pointedly at Newt. "I am not a risk-taker, and while you are not a risk, I simply can't help but analyze the situation so completely, often I lose the forest in the trees."

"Small words and simple concepts, Hermann. I'm very vulnerable right now."

With a sigh, Hermann shook Newt's hand lightly, a signal of his frustration with Newt downplaying his intelligence. "You have to accept that I will move slowly in these matters, because that is what I do. I'm not nearly as adaptable as you are."

At this confession, Newt grinned. "That first time in the shower was probably the most exciting thing in my _life_." He laughed when Hermann blushed and looked away. "I like you wet and slippery, man. I dunno. Maybe my libido is just overstimulated or something, or maybe I was never as hetero as I thought I was, but you do seriously funny things to my insides."

"The drift-"

"What difference does it make now? This isn't residual drifting like pilots. This isn't stopping. It feels like it's gotten stronger." Newt suddenly looked very distressed, eyebrows drawing together and his lips curving into a frown. "What if at some point we can't be more than, like, a foot from each other? Or we have to be touching! What'll we do then?"

"Now you're just panicking. Do you need your medication?" Hermann's other hand on Newt's arm was like the grounding wire that made all that anxiety slowly flush away. "Tell me, Newton."

With two deep breaths, Newt shook his head. "Nah, I'm good now. That's all just shit we'll have to deal with if it happens, right?"

"Indeed. If it happens. Now."

"Now?"

"Our discussion."

"Oh right. Yeah, I mean, you know, I just-"

"Tomorrow night?"

Newt swallowed audibly as his entire body went still. "Tomorrow," he said quietly. "Right, tomorrow. I just… I hope you like it. Oh god, that sounds so fucking dumb. Ugh. Just… nevermind. Tomorrow. I'll be ready."

***

Nerves and anticipation made Newt more scatter-brained than ever, and he finally gave up at even pretending to be productive at lunch. Huffing, he pushed his plate, half-eaten, away. "What if I screw it up? What if he hates it?"

"Hates what?"

"Doing me. What if I'm a terrible gay lay."

Vanessa started laughing, and continued to do so until she had to get up from the table and leave the room.

"Well shit." Newt didn't move from his chair, with his gaze fixed on his uneaten food. "I just made such a big deal of it," he continued loudly, to be heard wherever Vanessa had retreated to. "I can't make a huge deal of something, and then have it be terrible, can I? It's like getting a bad birthday present. I'd rather not get a present at all than have it be a bad one."

Vanessa returned with a wide smile and her cheeks still moist from crying with laughter, then bent over and kissed Newt on the cheek. "You won't be a bad present, Newt. You'll be one he appreciates very much. All right?"

"I guess." Though Newt leaned into her touch, he couldn't stop himself from being troubled. "You know I respect Hermann, like, more than anything, right? So this is a big fucking deal to me. And I…" To his horror, he was starting to cry, fat tears forming gradually while his eyes grew hot. "I don't want to fuck it up," he continued hoarsely, and attempted to swallow past the lump in his throat. "I don't want to fuck any of this up. It's too important to me."

"And you're important to us, even when things get… uneven. Even when I can't understand what's happening between you two, when I can't stop myself from being jealous, you're important. What will Leon do without his Uncle Newt?"

"Grow up well-adjusted?"

"I think he'll grow up with one less good thing in his life. Are you listening?" Her hand was on his cheek, and though they weren't facing each other, the sentiment was clear. "Let yourself feel what you want to feel. Don't hold back; that will only make him more hesitant."

Newt turned to look at her finally. "I need you guys, you know? I am a total fucking failure at taking care of myself. I can't be _the man_ in a relationship. I can't be the guy that catches a woman when she falls, or is some pillar of strength that other people can draw on. I need…"

"What do you need, Newt?"

"I just need someone that will look out for me. I never should have left home when I was thirteen. That was probably the biggest mistake of my life." He'd said too much, and he knew it, but it was too late to take it back.

She sat in the chair next to him. "You need someone to take care of you, the way no one did when you were alone and scared and in a place you didn't know anything about," Vanessa replied gently, and started to comb her fingers through his hair. "You want…" Her eyes scanned across his face, searching, before she nodded. "We'll take care of you. We'll all take care of each other. How does that sound?"

Like the most perfect thing in the world.

 

"So I promised Newt we would take care of him today."

"Hey, we'll take care of each other," Newt gave as a retort, feeling very defensive especially under Hermann's questioning gaze. "I don't think there's anything unreasonable about that, OK?"

"Of course not, Newton." He made no comment on the blush the glow of the television revealed on Newt's face. "It's very sensible." Hermann reached over and brushed the back of his fingers across Newt's cheek, intensifying the blush.

"You're embarrassing him, dear."

"Which I believe you started." The act was casual, done without thought, as Hermann kissed Vanessa even while his hand remained touching Newt's neck.

"Mm hm," Vanessa hummed more than said, allowing her lips to linger against her husband's, before turning her attention back to Newt. "Come here. Cuddle up."

The three of them struggled to find a comfortable position together that finally ended with a pillow in Hermann's lap to support Vanessa, her rear on the couch, and her legs across Newt's lap. This left Newt and Hermann within easy reach of one another.

"Now make out."

"I will do no such thing!" Hermann snapped, though he was very obviously flustered more than angry.

"Never hurts to ask." Vanessa turned and kissed Hermann's stomach through his shirt before returning her attention to the TV.

In truth, it was nerves. Sitting quietly and watching some mindless show let Hermann concentrate on something other than what was to happen later. It had been different with Vanessa; they'd both been inexperienced, and they'd progressed gradually, together. This planned encounter felt odd, lacking any kind of passion or even real desire. This was an obligation, and Hermann was feeling rotten about it.

Nothing about any of this should have been an obligation. Newt had already come here out of their broken hivemind obligation, and to add this between them was just… wrong. Before he could form an idea on how to say this, Newt leaned his head on Hermann's shoulder.

To think of it as an obligation felt wrong, but just being like this together didn't feel wrong at all. It felt more than right. In this position, it was easy to gently rake his fingers through Newt's hair, and just as easy to feel the man relax against him.

The three of them stayed in these general positions for another half hour before Vanessa stretched and yawned. "I'm going to look in on Leon and then head to bed. Behave yourselves."

Though Newt didn't move from his place on Hermann's shoulder, he nodded. "Good night."

"If you need anything, don't hesitate-"

"I can take care of things down here on my own. Don't worry." She leaned down and whispered, "Try to enjoy yourself."

Hermann felt himself blush, and he replied with mumbled nonsense.

When she was gone, checking on Leon then in the bedroom and shutting the door, Hermann looked to Newt. "Newton." What did he say? How did he phrase this? "Shall we go?"

Simple and effective. He was so prone to overthinking.

Newt nodded.

 

Hermann had gained a little more confidence as he undressed. Newt never really watched anyway, lessening the pressure to be something he'd never been. No, Newt was always completely fixated on getting himself undressed for some reason, letting out a little bark of triumph whenever he sent an article of clothing flying across the room.

"How ya wanna do this, Hermann?" Newt asked as he was stripping off his socks. "What position should I get in?"

God, he was so _eager_ , it was unfathomable.

"I know! Oh, I want to be like this," he said, and got on all fours, facing the wall, "so I can stare up at your chalkboard while you pound the shit out of my prostate. Not literally. Ew."

Hermann could only stare, disbelieving at the creature on the bed. "Newt," he said finally, slowly so the man would hopefully listen to him, "did you do any kind of research? On how to _receive_."

"Well, sure, dude. I got the big bottle of lube."

He chose to ignore that. "Then you know to push?"

Newt, still on all fours, looked over his shoulder and frowned. "Push? You mean, like, grinding?"

"No, I mean when I push in, you… push out. Like you're…"

"But… what if I have to _go_ and I, you know?"

Hermann immediately limped to the other side of the fold-out bed. "Where did you throw those condoms?" He started looking in the shadows along the floor. "I told you to do research! Find some actual sexual advice, not read Power Rangers fanfiction!"

"Hey! It was Gundam! And…" Newt shrugged, his entire body sagging, his enthusiasm dampened. "I never had anyone that even considered doing this. Letting me do it. I never thought about putting anything I read into actual practice."

With a huff, Hermann abandoned his search, assuming the box had ended up under the fold-out couch. "Yes, well, can you do that? It will make it more comfortable."

Newt sat back on his heels, looking doubtful. "Maybe I could just try to suck you off. It can't be that bad, right? Vanessa's fine with it."

"I will not be your test subject for your first time giving oral sex to a man on a _whim_!"

Thoughtful now, Newt nodded. "Yeah, probably not a great idea. I mean, nothing against you, but it's still a little weird, you know? Until I can just, kind of, like, forget…" He looked at Hermann. "Forget who I am. I'm you and you're me. Is that messed up?"

"Yes, and I feel the same."

"Sorry to totally bring your night down, dude. This was supposed to be just for you."

"Newton, lay down."

It was automatic to respond to such a simple request, to not ask why, not think about it. It wasn't even that odd when Hermann laid down next to him.

"It's what we talked about, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I just feel so dumb now. Like it would be the exact same way… And I just ignored what you said, which I have enough experience with by now to know that's generally not a good idea. As long as it has nothing to do with anything important." His hand reached out, grabbed Hermann's. "I'm nervous as hell, dude."

"I can tell. Your hand is exceptionally sweaty."

Newt laughed, squeezed Hermann's hand, then released it. "Sorry."

Without speaking, and looking very serious, Hermann rolled to his side and braced himself on his good leg. From this position, he began tracing the outlines of Newt's tattoos withe the lightest touch of one fingertip. Across his chest, circling one nipple, then over his ribs, his navel, dragging through the trail of hair, and finally stopping for his hand to splay out across his stomach. "Close your eyes, Newton. Relax."

"I really wish you'd call me Newt."

"No, you don't. You want to hear something better."

_Newt was too short, too abrupt to take full advantage of Hermann's accent, British but easily descending into German with the right combination of letters._

"Dr. Geiszler."

And the end of his name turned into a guttural roll that sent a shock of arousal straight through Newt. There was no room to be embarrassed by the way he swelled to half-hardness from that alone. "Nevermind. Call me that from now on."

Hermann laughed quietly in his ear. "I've never told you how much I actually adore your wantonness, have I? No, don't open your eyes."

Slowly, Newt let himself drift in the uncharacteristic touch of Hermann's hand and the sound of his voice. This was where the edges melted, the lines between them blurred into shadows and ghosts, and everything fell away to leave only this strange singular being split into two. Sensations changed, shifted, warmth and weight where there'd been none, but Newt kept his eyes closed, not wanting to ruin the perfection of his state of existence.

But he couldn't deny his want either, why they'd come together alone this night in the first place. He was jerked away from this perfect place by Hermann's hand, warm and slick, taking hold of him, testing him, and Newt arched into the contact.

When Hermann spoke again, his voice was quiet, but of a more questioning nature than the odd seduction he'd been working before. "Do you love me, Newton?"

"Yeah, you and Vanessa and Leon." Of course.

"No, Newton, _me_. Do you love me?"

"Yes." Newt opened his eyes, immediately assaulted by the real world all around him, but that was tempered by Hermann right in front of him. "Yes, I do. I wouldn't ever ask for this if I didn't." His brow furrowed. He'd said it, more than once, and received nothing in return. "Do you?"

Instead of answering, Hermann dipped his head down to kiss him, claiming his mouth.

It wasn't what he wanted, but it was slow and sweet, and hot and wet, and Newt moaned into it  Hermann had hardly touched him and he was already dribbling pre-come all the way down to soak the sheets.

Then he moaned the loss as Hermann released it to kiss across his cheek, down to his ear. And _then_ he moaned because Hermann was sucking hard on his earlobe in a way Newt would have never imagined the man willing to do. Fingers spasming with the unexpected assault of heady pleasure on that single tiny bit of flesh, Newt grabbed Hermann's shoulders.

"I do love you, Newton." Hermann breathed heavily into Newt's ear. " _Ohne dich kann ich nicht leben_."

It made Newt's heart both soar and break simultaneously. He understand the hurt on Hermann's face perfectly, thoughts and feelings of another that didn't belong in his head that made him feel and think in ways that wasn't _him_. Thoughts for another man that should have been for his wife, and he would never feel that way for her the way he felt for Newt because they'd been forced into a position that placed the greater far above their few. "Don't ever choose me over Vanessa, for anything. You say that now, you think that, but you'd never forgive yourself if something happened to her because you really thought that was true. And I wouldn't either."

Somehow Hermann managed to smile, and kissed Newt on the cheek.

It still felt like electricity passing between them, in the best way, the way that said this was something rare and significant, and Newt couldn't stop himself from trying to press himself into the body atop him.

It was a whisper, but it was perfectly clear in Hermann's eyes this time: "I love you."

His hand was still slick, and clever, and knew exactly what it was doing as it lifted Newt's leg. The contact with his cock was incidental and left him desperate for more even as Hermann's hand teased him. The only coherent thoughts that could cut through the fog in his head as two fingers slid across him repeatedly was, "Your leg."

Hermann laughed, a rare sound, and lowered his head first to steal another kiss, and then actually lick along his collarbone.

Then…

"Push," Hermann whispered.

Newt did, and with surprisingly little resistance, a bit more discomfort, and some wincing, Hermann filled him.

 

"Hey, I…" Newt licked his lips, his mouth dry and hands trembling. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Compared to that, what I did was really lame."

"It was fine."

Newt sighed. "No, it wasn't fine. But if you're going to insist it was, because I know you will even when we both know I know it's not true, and that is really confusing, then I'm just going to say I'm sorry. If I'd had any kind of experience, I wouldn't-"

"I _know_ , Newton. The beauty of this-" And Hermann was on his back, looking up at the ceiling, through the skylight at the dark sky, and whatever he was referring to as beautiful, it didn't matter because it was everything. "-is that I know. It is fixed, a permanent thing that has happened, and from it we move forward."

Propped up on one elbow, head resting in his hand, Newt watched the man talk, resisted the urge to run his fingers down his sternum.

"I do forget sometimes the extent of your education." With an arched eyebrow, a single glance from Hermann was like a severe rebuke. "You do yourself a disservice, do you know?"

"I've been told that, but usually it's by people who just can't handle how much better I am than them." Newt laughed suddenly, joyfully which he hadn't done in a while. "This is one of those 'imagine everyone in their underwear' things. So all those stuffy old shits trying to prove that I'm just some young kid that couldn't possibly know more than them, I picture it like we're all at the beach. We're at the beach, and all these withered assholes are in these ugly little Speedos, trying to show off their dicks. But me, I'm there in a baggy pair of pink trunks, and they can't fucking deal because I don't need to show off at all. So, Hermann, what kind of bathing suit are you wearing?"

"Tasteful and understated."

Newt gave in to the urge, and put his hand on Hermann's chest. "Let me picture it for you." He closed his eyes. "Not black, that's too macho for you. No, you're in navy blue, a single white stripe down each side." Newt's lips curled into a smile as the image solidified in his head. "Very reasonable rear pocket with a velcro closure. It's all about practicality and modesty. They're long, maybe overly long, almost to your knees. But they're not baggy, because that would just make your legs look skinny. None of the pompous assholes notice you because of it; you're way too plain Jane." His hand made wide circles, his thumb brushing very purposefully over Hermann's nipple. "You come over to me, pale because you don't like to be out like this, to make a scene, and we sit under a big umbrella. And those old men glare at us, because now we're putting on a show without even trying. Because we have to watch out for our skin, we take turns putting sunscreen on each other. I'd start at your feet and work my way up. Don't laugh. I got sunburned on the tops of my feet before. It sucks balls."

"Newton-"

"No, I'm not done. Up your legs, under your suit, of course, and you protest, because that's what you do, but you don't stop me. Then your back and shoulders, and you're completely loose and relaxed, and now they can't even look at us because they're so embarrassed by how amazing we are in our 'don't give a fuck' behavior, because I'm working the lotion into your chest with one hand while I've got the other down the front of your shorts."

The image was so clear and perfect, like watching a movie, Newt almost came right there without even fully realizing he'd gotten hard.

When Hermann spoke, it was in a breathless rush. "You have turned your rebuke of all your intellectual critics into a fantasy of exhibitionism."

"Yeah, pretty cool, right?"

"Incorrigible." But it was said with fondness.

"Hermann?"

"Yes, Newt."

"We're gonna be OK, right? This is going to work between us?"

"Absolutely."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohne dich kann ich nicht leben - I can't live without you
> 
> I think there will be one epilogue-type part after this, and that will be the end.
> 
> echoislesfandom.tumblr.com  
> lixyewup@twitter.com


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A decision, a letter, a happy ending.

"Dude, what is this?"

Hermann glanced over to see Newton flipping through the folder that he'd left on his desk. "An offer."

"Yeah, I can see that, but why? Are you going to take it?"

"I was considering it."

"Why? I thought being here was your first choice."

"It was." Hermann fell silent while Newton stared at him.

"Dude, is that all you're gonna say? Come on! This is a huge change!"

"You hate it here, Newton. You hate everything about it. Don't act as if I haven't been able to feel your animosity grow daily for the past year. So I made some quiet inquiries to places I thought you might find more agreeable that still had the appropriate... prestige." _fundingsafetyvisionexperience_ He stood and plucked the folder from Newton's nerveless fingers. He flipped through the pages within until he found what he was looking for. "It's a generous offer, don't you think?"

Newton looked at him with such distress, it was like a physical blow. "But... Vanessa-"

"She doesn't mind. She's always up for a challenge, though I don't think moving to a nice university town in the US is much of a challenge for her. If you really want to stay here in Heidelberg, we'll make something work out." But Newton didn't want to stay at all, and nothing he could say would ever convince Hermann of it.

"You know I don't want to, dude. I just don't want you to make this decision because of me."

"Why would you think we would make decisions without you? Living here is a decision, and it's one you don't agree with." Hermann put his hands on Newton's shoulders and looked very seriously into his eyes. "I can't stand your misery. You shouldn't ever have to feel that way when we're in such a _good_ place together, with so many options, so much freedom."

But Newton looked uncomfortable, shifting his weight from foot to foot. "What if I hate that place too? What if I'm never happy again?"

"You will be. We'll work to make sure you are, that we all are. Remember, we have to look out for the interests of four of us, and each one of them is just as important as the other. Newton."

Newt was shifting his weight nervously, looking anywhere except at Hermann. "I know this should be awesome, that I should be jumping all over it, but I just… It's just such a huge change. There's so much to do, and you know I've never really moved because I wanted to be somewhere better." He paused, looking surprisingly thoughtful. "First it was college, then it was the PPDC, then this fucked up situation. I never went somewhere because I preferred the weather or the locale or whatever."

Quietly, Hermann said, "What do you want me to say? What do you want from _me_?"

Newt shrugged, a helpless and confused gesture. "I dunno, man. I just… Fuck, I don't know when I became such a mess. You know I was never like this before."

"You have always been a mess, Newton. You'll come with me, of course, when I go over there, and you can decide how you feel about it." Hermann put his hands on Newt's shoulders to make him focus. "We'll do this together, yes? Like always."

Slowly, Newt smiled. "Right."

***

The room had two queen beds. They tucked in to the one closest to the window, and in the orange glow of the street outside, Newt curled up to Hermann. "I'm nervous. About this."

Without protest or hesitation, Hermann encircled him with his arms, their heartbeats matching one another. "Why is that?"

"I want this to work. I really do. I don't hate what I see."

"The Newton Geiszler seal of approval."

Newt shut his right eye. Hermann's luminescence drowned out all other light. "I was never supposed to be the cynical one."

"And you're not." Hermann kissed him lightly. "Do you know what it really is? Prepare yourself for the shock it might cause you..." He waited until he had Newt smiling. "Responsibility."

"No!"

"Yes, I'm afraid it's true. Responsibility is guiding your concerns."

"I'm done for, Hermann. Done." Newt sighed dramatically.

Hermann looked at him and smiled in the dark as he squeezed him. "We'll make an honest man out of you yet."

*** [10 months later] ***

Leon's second birthday was looming. They lived happily and comfortably in the US, had transitioned into their new way of life with ease.

"Anyone feel like a reunion?" Newt asked one warm and sunny afternoon after coming in with the mail. He tossed an envelope on the table marked with PPDC stampage.

"Two years isn't much of an anniversary."

Newt shrugged. "I didn't open it. Didn't want to ruin the surprise." The color drained from his face suddenly.

The darkness is silent. His voice echoes, bounces off the high walls, fades into the blackness. There is no response, just as it should be.

"Newt?"

He wiped at his nose, almost a reflex action at this point, but it came away clean. "I was just worried…"

"It's been quiet," Hermann said, entering the room slowly with Leon clinging with one hand to his pant leg for support. "How long?"

"Over six months." Their hive mind had been free of the ghosts of the kaiju for over six months, and he never wanted that to change. "Still quiet." He picked up the envelope he'd tossed down. "I guess there's only one way to find out."

"Fortune favors the brave."

Newt smiled at Hermann. "You can't use it unless you do it right."

"And I refuse to say _that_ word."

"Pfft."

"You two!" Vanessa snapped, and grabbed the envelope from Newt. She tore it open and read the letter inside silently. "It is," she said finally. "It's a reunion of sorts. Three months from now, in Los Angeles."

Hermann studied her for a long moment. "You'll be showing by then. Questions-"

"And they'll get answered. I'm not ashamed, Hermann. Are you?"

"No, I just don't think it's any concern to anyone else. There is literally nobody else that understands us."

Newt crossed his arms. "Ahem, that's my baby too, you know. And I think it's awesome. Shit, I'll tell the whole world. I don't care. I'll tell them how little Giovanni will be a-"

" _Giovanni_?" Vanessa said as she broke into laughter. "No. No, we will talk about this, Newt, but I am putting my foot down. You will have to pick out some other scientist to name this baby after. All right?"

"Was she this much no-fun before?" Newt asked Hermann.

Hermann shrugged. "Hormones."

"You want no-fun Vanessa? The both of you are sleeping on the couch--separate couches!-- tonight. Now go make travel arrangements." She gave each of them a swat on the rear before walking away.

"Two years. Shit, I half-expected to be dead by now. Rockstars are supposed to live fast and die young, you know?"

"We're not enough for you?" Hermann asked quietly, Leon still hanging on to his pants and reaching for Newt's keys on the table.

Newt grinned as he put his hand over Hermann's, and there was a suspicious shimmer to his eyes. "Hell no. It's more than I could have ever asked for."


End file.
